I'm Toast.

" I want something else to get me through this Saint John kind of life. " I know those aren't the words to the song, but that's what everyone thinks they are, and that's what we all sang on the way home from the movies without even thinking about it. It makes me wonder if maybe everyone who lives here truly wishes for something else. Maybe they don't say it out loud, but maybe they're so occupied with how much Saint John sucks that they can't see it for any good.

It doesn't matter to me anymore. As long as I have true friends, a home and am able to learn my little "life lessons" I always end up learning the hard way, I'm fine. I know there isn't a lot of places to go here, but there's always something to do.

But this "Saint John" kind of life is fine for me, i don't need anything to get me through it. I know I said I wasn't going to talk about how great things are going because it gets boring, but it's nice to read and be happy for people sometimes too.

I broke out of the breadbag for the while, away from all the little peices of white bread with the thin brown crusts, and I hopped into the toaster and made myself into toast. I realized that it's not the fact that I'm going to be grouped into the "bread" category still, it's the fact that they'll go moldy...? No wait, It's the fact that I have peanut butter on...No, I think it's that I'm different in my own mind, and that's all that matters. You can change bread into toast, but you can't turn toast into bread, so I'm never going to be bread again. You can put butter on me though, marshmallow fluff is good as well...

But either way, I'm made of tougher material now. I'm not using this as my security blanket I realized, I'm using this as my way to write a book and cut out those publishing assholes. This is my book that can be instantly published to a wide audience and get automatic feed-back. This is me practising while I wait, wait for something to come of this.

And people have given me hope lately, that something will come of this "Saint John" kind of life. I know that if I put my mind to it, I can make anything happen. I can make myself a toaster strudel if I really want to. But I'm content being toast right now.

I'm Bored, And Have WAY Too Much Time On My Hands

You make me wanna La-La (really? what the HELL does LaLa mean?)
I beleive in a thing called love (Want me to show ya some?!?! hahah)
Can't touch this! (IM INVISIBLE!-J No you're not, you're only naked!!!-K)
"You're really growing on me! " (hahaha crabs, L you nerd.)
Since you've been gone, i can breathe for the first time! (cus you smelt HA!!)
Get back mother fucker! you don't know me like that!! (get back mother fucker! hahaha)
It started out with a kiss (and another! and another! Then there was that thing with the ass....HA!!)
In the kitchen on the floor!! (LaLa! haha A, have you ever been sexually attracted to a nerd?!)
I love you, please say you love me too. (A! our microphones were HOTT!)
Destiny is calling me! (TAKE OUT THE TRASH! : I hate moms! -L)
~You are my only one~ (good choice of song.)
Baby, you're all that i want! (J of course!!)
And if i don't make it, know that i loved you all along!!!! (no you didn't!-J haha I loved you as much as milk, and that's a lot!!!!-K)
Mend your broken heart and leave (TO CANCUN!! that's not a place dipshit!!)
DU HAST MEICHE!!!!!!! (Barbie girl!!)
I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby!! (well today...)
I like boys who wear abercrombie and fitch! (Isn't it GIRLS?! nooo0ooo....)
I am tired of waitting! (Hurry the fuck up hahah T.)
I'm not ready to go! (ahaha MAKE UP UR MIND!!)
Sometimes i feel like i don't have a partner, sometimes i feel like my only friend is the city i live in, the city of angels! (fuckin right!)
Take a chance you STUPID HOE!! (haha T we think alike :)
Dont wanna be an american idiot!! (fuck right im canadian!! haha J)
A billion people died on the news tonight. (Oh my god, they DID! it's FATE!!-K)
Give head, stop breathe! Get up, check yo weave! (Uh, How do you do pilates to THAT?!)

The Update on Fate

I realized last night that you don’t usually realize *fate* until after something’s happened. You don’t know when *fate* is playing its role during something, but in Hein-Sight you can tell. I can tell, it just takes some major thinking to figure it out.

Was it *fate* that I got left home alone? Or *fate* that A told me to, “Go out and have a good time!”? *Fate* that I was online all night? A single thing so simple as calling someone on the phone can be intercepted by *fate*. What if you had have called five minutes earlier, and someone had been on the phone? Maybe you wouldn’t have tried back. That might have changed everything.

Every action has so many other reactions that branch off of it. Every movement makes a ripple. Everything that’s meant to be will happen. You just need to take some time and put your trust in the *fate* of it all, and then look back on everything and think.

What if I hadn’t have got up early? What if I answered that phone call? What if I didn’t get grounded? What if I went to the dance? What if there wasn’t a snowstorm? What if I hadn’t have met him?

The *fate* of it all is usually self explanitory. But I thought I had trust in it before? Not even half of what it is now.

The Ghosts In My Closet

Nightmares haunt us everywhere we go. In a city as old and established as Saint John, there are plenty of ghosts. It’s only if you take the time to notice them, or if they might take the time to notice you.

But nightmares for many people, is a word slung around too loosely these days. You can describe a situation as a nightmare, a person as a nightmare, a party as a nightmare. Anything that goes wrong can be classified as a nightmare.

Sometimes relationships are a nightmare, truly, they are. I’ve learned this, we all have though. There are always those ghosts of old relationships coming back to haunt you in a nightmarish fashion. Or sometimes, maybe they’re not a nightmare, just a reminder of someone who you can’t have.

A wise friend once said to me, “If the two of you were meant to be, your paths will meet again.” Does that mean that until that time I’ll be haunted? And if we were meant to be, wouldn’t we have not broken up in the first place?

Maybe it’s the guys that are like ghosts or nightmares, skeletons in your closet. I have a few, mind you they are organized and fashionable. And they’ll always be there, every day I open it to take something out, a reminder of things lost, or of things to come…

Saint John is an old city, the first established in Canada. There are so many “firsts” here, even for me. My first nightmare, happening right now.

Christmas, The Un-Ruined Version

Well, Christmas was pretty uneventful, besides the fact that Dad was in a terrific mood! I’m serious, me and Papa went to pick him up and he was humming, dressed in khaki pants with a belt, and get this…a button up shirt! He had shaved, trimmed his beard, AND was not wearing his hat!! It was truly a Christmas Miracle. I think he got laid.

Blah, the drive was boring as always, and I passed it by practicing my arguing techniques. I started two fights before we even pulled into my Grandparent’s house, both on issues related to pollution and none other than George Bush. I’m getting better.

House was hectic as always. Nan recruits me and J and forces us to do hours upon hours of slave labor. I peeled potatoes for what seemed like a millennium, until I had cuts all up and down my freshly manicured fingers. But no, not good enough for Nan, I had left spots! Oh, the indecency of it all!!

I pass the time until the meal annoying family members. Papa said I was FORBIDDEN to drink the sprite that was in the foyer closet, so I did. He had four boxes and wouldn’t let me drink any, but I did. Nan just got annoyed whenever I tasted the food, so I did. It was quite good, except yet again, just like Thanksgiving this year, there was no effort put in. She didn’t get dressed up in all of her “Julie Andrews” finery, not even a piece of jewelry. Papa had on dress pants and a button up and even little Kindergarten Cole had on a flannel shirt, but that’s about the extent of that.

Papa was furious with me, because yet again, I wasn’t dressing like a proper lady. Lady this, lady that. I’ll dress like a “lady” if I damn well feel like it, and besides I didn’t see a damned thing wrong with what I had on. Brand new jeans and a sweater, and I had actually done something with my hair, thanks to my new kick ass straightener, and low and behold…I had makeup on! And if it doesn’t get any worse, Nanny and Papa had bought me a dress for Christmas, along with other things. A big PINK dress, which they forced me to go try on, and show off in front of everyone. Show off what!? The fact that it was two sizes too big, and made for a woman with an enormous ass and double-D boobs!?

To make matters worse, Audrey and Guy had returned after a year of absence. I don’t even think I’m related to these old goons, they’re just plain indescribable. Damn Audrey and her old-lady babble, which I had to live through for about an hour. She says the most random of things. When papa complained about my choice of clothes couture, she said they were sexy. When J said that papa hated her new boyfriend because he had piercings, wore his hat to the side, and had pants that came down too low, she started this whole, “When I was your age…” talk and began to tell us how to play Post Office. Sounded a lot like a pussy version of Seven Minutes in Heaven to me.

Meal was boring, I ate quickly. Since there was eleven of us there for dinner, me and J and Cole had to eat out in the Kitchen. I was rather relieved, at least this way I could eat with big bites and talk about the things I wanted to. Plus I could save myself some embarrassing lectures about not snorting at the table when I laughed, which I couldn’t even help in the first place! Whenever Audrey eats, the old bat gets something on her lip, and she doesn’t even notice! It hangs there sort of for a long time, well at least long enough for me and J to notice. Two years ago, it was quite a large chunk of ham. We still laugh about that one, and have since christened her, Ham-Lip. Original, eh?

I was supposed to spend the night, but I’d had my fill. My dad was leaving early, his friend Neil was coming to pick him up, so I caught a ride home. It was quite funny actually, listening to Dad and Neil sing along to German/Hungarian rock-music. It was even funnier seeing as I knew most of the words. At one point, Dad lent back and patted me on the knee and held onto my hand for a brief second, reasons unknown. But it was comforting, in an indescribable way. I didn’t need comforting, we all assure ourselves that we don’t. But I think sometime everyone needs to hold their parent’s hands again, even if on the sly.

Christmas wasn’t ruined, far from it, although the episode with the matching clothes still burns my grill, and will be discussed on a further date. Me and J had a reasonable time, her making fun of everyone, me falling on my ass every few minutes. It was a bit uncomfortable the way she clings to my dad as she does, but then again, she doesn’t have one, so it was Christmas, and I shared.

Christmas With The Doyles...Need I Say More?!

It's xmas eve and it couldn't feel less like it. There's no snow on the ground, no anticipation, no family parties. I'm a bit afraid that Christmas every year is going to become like this, and this is only my third so far...Mom's family has always been a bit bizarre, a possible sitcom actually. It's so ridiculous. Right now my Grandmother's out there "attempting" to cook a feast. She always does and never truely suceeds though. I'm a bit afraid to taste it...Mmmm....Hungarian Cuisine....

My Sister and baby cousin Colby are running around the house screaming and breaking things while my Grandfather, wearing a shirt that says, "Bosses are like diapers, always on your ass and full of shit," yells like crazy. His voice is so loud it's just ridiculous. Try to picture him as a crazy hillbilly redneck who lives out in the boonies past Hampton, whose hobbies include hunting, four wheeeling, and drinking. Can't wait to see him later on tonight...:

Then there's my Aunt Karie and my mom sitting at the dining room table reliving childhood stories over a beer and some rum and eggnog. There's xmas music playing very loudly, but i can still hear Liss, Colby and Papa yelling over it. They even set the dog loose and now he's running around chasing the baby.They're all liquored up and yelling and stressed ... and it's only 2:30!!

I'm out here in the livingroom hiding with the laptop and some peanuts watching Farenheit 9/11. I'm spending my xmas eve hating Bush so far. Just to prove how insane this family is, in thier livingroom alone, there's three deer heads mounted on the walls, three partridges, a flying squirel and a rabbit. You should see the downstairs!

But see the funny thing is that I just want Christmas to be over! I even kind of want to go back to school, I miss my class friends. I miss A, M, D and L, who I've hung out with like everyday! This is the first day I haven't, and I'm bored out of my mind!

I'm not even excited for tomorrow, not for the presents, (I know everything i got.) or about going to GB (Mom's finally letting me go.) And I'm only a BIT excited for my and J's plans to ruin xmas dinner, like we ruin every holiday meal.

Seriously, the only thing I'm really excited for is seeing my dad. This morning, while i was eating my toast, I realized that in two months, it will be two years since they had "The Final Fight." I was just filled with this sudden intense feeling of lss. Lot's of times i feel so guilty because I won't call him, or maybe only think about him once or twice. So I'm glad I'm spending Christmas Day with him, and that I'm going to be with that family for xmas dinner, whether we ruin it or not.

But seriously just thinking about it is awful. I forget what living with him or any man is like. I forget what it's all like!! I can never imagine things ever being like they were before.I feel like I'm still counting the days in, instead of counting the days out. It's like, "It's been two years without my dad." instead of, "It's been two years of things getting better." And i say, "It's been almost a month since me and M broke up." instead of, "It's been almost a month without him, and I'm doing fine."

It just seems that times like Christmas make me forget the bad about people and miss them like crazy. Whether I'm missing dad, M, friends and family out West, or just the people I've hung out with every day since the break started.

Xmas with the Doyle's is insane, and it's still only begun. I just wish i had had a bit more time to prepare my act, you know the, "I'm so excited!!" one. I'm going to go now, put on my mask and smile, but xmas doesn't hold anything for me anymore, but thoughts. And most of the time my thoughts are just to much to think about.

Online War...

I just have something i want to say to EVERYONE reading this, and I know quite a few of you will be, so take the time and pay attention.

I'm so sick of people starting little online wars!! I'm so sick of people hurting other people! It's Christmas for crypes sake!! This is just getting ridiculous! I come online in the mornings to find out that there's a whole online war going on and im involved without ever even saying anything!!

From now on! If i have ANYTHING to say to ANYONE i'll say it myself. To the person, IN PERSON. This online shit is BULL.

I'm really sorry for everyone who's been hurt. That is not the way to spend xmas eve or xmas eve or even before that, this has been going on for ever!!! I want to put an end to it now, I don't want to come up in conversations anymore, whether you're trying to defend me or not, I can do it for myself from now on.

B, I'm sorry for what people have been saying. I understand your anger with everyone and everything. I just hope that again, you won't let this come between our friendship that already seems like it's detereorating. This is too much stress to put on friends!

L, i'm sorry that you got torn apart for standing up for a friend. That's not right. I'm sorry you got torn apart for standing up for what you believe in, it's not an easy thing. I'm sorry you've spent the past few days so miserable.

It's xmas eve people. Show some love to your neighbor. Really, isn't this the "most wonderful time of the year" ?!

Away in a Manger

I read somewhere today that I should spend my time writting on my own blog about my own beliefs, so I've decided to. I'm going to talk about my true meaning of Christmas, as I see it. I'm also quoting the Bible a bit in this, mind you it's the Jehovah's Wittness version, but you'll find it's the same thing as any of your Christian Bibles. No one takes the time to think that just because they don't celebrate Christmas with presents and lavish things doesn't mean they don't have Christmas in thier own unique way. Christmas means something else to every single one of us.

The story of Jesus starts in the book of Matthew 1:20. This first chapter says;

" But after he had thought these things over, look! Jehovah's angel appeared to him in a dream, saying; "Joeseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary your wife home, for that which has been begotten in her is by holy spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you must call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from thier sins. All this actually came about for that to be fulfilled which was spoken by Jehovah through his prophet, saying: "Look! The virgin will become pregnant and will give birth to a son, and they will call his name Immanuel," which means, when translated, "With us Is God." Then Joeseph woke up from his sleep and did as the angel of Jehovah had directed him, and he took his wife home. But he had no intercourse with her until she gave birth to a son, and he called his name Jesus. "

Christmas for me is just a day where we get presents, as i was taught that the actual day of Jesus' Birth took place in November, and we did celebrate that day. But also every Christmas day we would have services to thank god for the ultimate gift, the gift of life and the gift of his own son. (For those of you who are Christian, you can substitute the word Jehovah for God.)

The story of Jesus and the many many things that he did for us as a group is amazing. I, as a person, even without a relegion, thank God and Jesus for making the sacrifice of life for us.

Christmas is only a day when you think about it as presents. Yesterday me and some friends had "Christmas Spirit Day," To try and get excited for Christmas, as we found we weren't this year. I think maybe why i lost my desire with Christmas is because it lost it's relegious value with me.

Try and imagine growing up your life without any of the rituals and presents or carols or tv shows or movies. Without the Grinch or stories or family get-to-gethers. Think about growing up your whole life with only the story of how Jesus gave his life for you and everyone you hold dear. That's what Christmas will always be to me. The gifts and other things are merely bonuses.

Ghetto Superstars In Your Own Backyard...

Ok, here is the real D. He looks normal enough, oui?

Now BAM!! The Seth Cowen twin of D! I see a resemblance, don't you?!

ok, another. Now here is normal M at the cabaret....

And here is his twin!!! Ryan from the OC!!!

The real A....

And her twin!!!!!! Summer!!!

Ok, a normal, slightly edited pic of me...

My twin!! (well not so much now really, but i felt left out.)

The Chronicles of Narnia

Ok, so last night we all decide at around six that we're going on an adventure. Actually it was supposed to be a snowball fight in the first place, but you know how things tend to get out of hand.

We started by piling on layers and mittens, stealing my sisters sled, and heading up towards the hill. By the time me, Amy, Mike and Levi got to the top, it was around sunset. To one side of the hill, you could see sun and lights from the city, on the other, pure darkness. We walked towards the darkness.

Now, the hill is pretty high up and secluded. It's really just a really big stretch of forest elevated, behind all the apartments and townhouses around my neighborhood. It's also covered in snow right now, a lot of it, and it was dark.

Levi and Mike took of pretty fast to the hill to start sledding and kidding around, while me and Amy struggled to gain our balance instead of repeatedly falling down. After a while though, they tired of sledding and we decided to take a walk into the woods.

By now, we were walking straight into the darkness with only a small indented path to guide us. There were no footprints, no trails, and it was very dark and frightening with the huge tress covered in snow and the sounds that came with being in the woods. When we got along the path a bit, we saw deer. Of course Mike and Levi our "protectors" ran off to scare them away, but me and Amy got all freaked out thinking there might be bears and she took a stick to protect herself.

By now, we've been walking for about a good half an hour straight away from my house, when I realized something. Everything looked exactly how I had imagined the chronicles of narnia to look, had they have made a better movie out of it. I asked if anyone had seen the Chronicles of Narnia and Levi said he had. Then we ended up getting all freaked out, it really did seem like a movie.


Into the woods, out of the wardrobe...

Mike, our leader, led us even farther into the woods, and after a while we came upon a rock the size of an average house. It was huge, and rather eerie looking, the way it was only covered in snow on one side. We named it The Rock Two and decided that it would be a good landmark to help us find our way back.

Me and Levi were still talking about how this was like the Chronicles of Narnia. I then realized that there were four of us, two girls and two boys just like the book. I told Levi he could be Edmund, the youngest and whiney one, and he complained about it just like Edmund would have. Amy was Lucy, I was Susan and Mike was Peter, our leader. Mike even had the sled like a shield and everyone had a stick like a sword for protection.

We came to the bottom of a huge hill at one time in the night. The hill and the way the snow was and the trees made it all look like one big face. The face was starring straight at us. When i first noticed it i thought i was seeing things, but everyone else thought it looked like one too. Mike then led us straight off the path and into the woods. It was so scray and eerie, you had to duck to avoid beeing hit in the face by tree branches laden with snow. The whole scenery was a gray-y black-y white color. We came to a little river/stream that we had to take a running jump at. On the other side of that was a bunch of trees, arranged in a way with the snow and branches that it looked like a roof to a whole little city or something. I was half expecting something crazy and hairy to jump out at me.

By now Mike was scared too, so we all turned around and folowed our footprints home. It seemed so much faster going home then getting there and by the time we got back to my house, it didn't even seem like we'd been there at all. It was like a dream almost. And going back into my house was like stepping back into the wardrobe.


The little fawn was following us the whole time....

And we talked all night about the rest of our lives,
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change,
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back,
No more hanging out cus we're on a different track
And if you've got something that you need to say,
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down,
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And i keep thinking of that night in June,
I didn't know much of love, but it came too soon
And it was me and you, and then it got real blue,
Stay at home talking on the telephone
We would get so excited, and we'd get so scared,
Laughing to ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels,
As we go on, we remember
All the times we've had together,
And as our lives change
From whatever,
We will still be friends forever
So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money,
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule?
Will little brainy bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep thinking that it's not good-bye,
I keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels
As we go on, we remember,
All the times we've had together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess i thought that this would never end,
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us around?
Will this memories fade when i leave this town?
I keep thinking that it's not good-bye
I keep on thinking it's a time to fly.

Who remembers this song playing at the Grad last year? We all bawled like babies! And still, listening to it can bring tears to my eyes. We all lost touch, we all grew apart, but yet this song reminds me of us all so much! Don't just skim over it, go back and read each line and think about how it applies. Brittany made me think about a lot today. Some of it was pretty sad, happy to think about, but sad when we think about it now. We all had some really great times. Times that we're never going to forget, and I hope we still can have some. I hope no matter what we'll all keep in touch in some form. I hope no matter what memories like "I do believe in fairies" or "Party in the seat!" or "Brent! Get down!" Or "Bikini village!" never fade. I hope we remember everything.

Thanks Britt, for helping me remember how much i forgot.

*this post has been written in gay pride in memory of the "journal". God rest your soul cookie monster.

Saints Won 10-2 !

AHAHAHA, shove that in your pipe and smoke it !!!!!!!!

Billy Talent "Nothing to Lose"

" Need more friends with wings
All the angels I know
Put concrete in my veins
I’d always walk home alone
So I became lifeless
Just like my telephone "

" There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change "

" Never played truth or dare
I’d have to check my mirror
To see if I’m still here
My parents had no clue
That I ate all my lunches
Alone in the bathroom "

" There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
There’s nothing to lose
My notebook will explain
There’s nothing to gain
And I can’t fight the pain "

" Teachers said "it's just a phase"
When I grow up my children
Will probably do the same
Kids just love to tease
Who'd know it put me underground at seventeen "

" There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
There’s nothing to lose
My notebook will explain
There’s nothing to gain
And I can’t fight the pain "

" There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
There’s nothing to lose
My notebook will explain
There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
And I just died today "

Dad's Bachelor Pad

Something M. Nadeau said has finally stuck with me, but I'm not sure if it's for the right reasons.

"If you work hard, you will get a better job, and make more money. You will live in better conditons and have a happier life."

I went to my dad's tonight. Or, as I'm going to call it from now on, Dad's Bachelor Pad. I think you'll understand from the rest of the story.

When my dad was younger, things weren't easy for him. He had four other brothers and sisters and two very strict parents. Dad joined the army and met mom, and then had me. He was a grade nine drop-out. He never worked hard, he never took anyone having higher authority then him. Dad lived off of odd jobs that didn't require a diploma, although he was very talented.

Yet, dad makes money. I know he does. I know there's money coming from being a contractor, money from the restuarant, money from *other things* and of course, that steady run of money known as Lindy.

I thought of M. Nadeau's words tonight, while i sat in Dad's Bachelor Pad with him and "Melissa" his friend. Bull, I know her type of girl. I know what's going through her head. I noticed her red thong peeking from her jeans when she got up to get another beer. She looked timid around me, but damn right she better be. Does she really think I'm going to deal with her? I'd have hit her if Dad wasn't there. I would have. I mean she's what? Six years older?!

Lindy wasn't a great person. Me and her had our differences. So did her and dad ovbisouly, I just never knew about them. Maybe dad ran into things too fast after mom. I'm not sure, but I know that I'm already used to the way things were, dad and Lindy in Sussex, me here. Dad going on trips, me here. Dad buying expensive, lavish things with money he didn't share, me here.

But he's given it all up. It's like a movie star-marriage, he didn't even last a year. He gave it all up for the Bachelor Pad in the South End, with the chick who looks like she's on drugs and the random stoned friends dropping by. He gave it all up for the little plate of marijuana on the table and the empty bottles on the floor. He gave it all up. Dad works hard now, he has money, yet, he doesn't want that lifestyle. I don't think he was ever meant to be married. He was meant for the life he wants to live, and i saw that life tonight.

Yet i pity her. I wonder about her. I imagine her sitting in that big old house all alone. In the dark, thinking about the man that broke her. I know how it feels.

Mr. Nadeau said if you work hard, things will be good for you and you will be happy with a lot of money. Dad's happy, I know that. Although the circumstances are quite unerving. I just worry about him. I dread the day i bring my children to meet "Grandad" who lives in a bachelor pad in the South End with "Melissa" the bitch with little eyebrows and the constant showing red thong who smokes like a chimney. I hope he's happy, because he sure as fuck puts me through hell.

If only everything was as simple as just sitting down for a cup of coffee to talk about our problems. If i could, Id talk to you over coffee for hours. Telling you everything.
Shall we sit and talk a while?

Love...

It’s so crazy that love is all around us, yet only few of us get the chance to experience it. And I don’t mean like *kiss-and-hold-hands* love, I mean like –full-blown, can’t live without each other, think about each other everytime a slow song comes on, can’t make it a day without talking to each other, can’t keep your eyes/hands off each other, can’t get each other out of your head- kind of love. I thought I was experiencing it a few times actually, I think we all thought that at one time, but I’m not so sure anymore.

There’s this girl and this guy in my class, and I truly wish I could have a relationship like theirs. It’s very complex, and I don’t even think I understand it, But I think I have a main idea.

They LOVE each other. It’s so damn obvious. They love each other through fights, and through break-ups and through everything. They’re broken up right now, yet they went to Cabaret together, and they sit together in every class, and walk together in the halls. They’re one of those couples that even when they are broken up, you know just not to mess with what the have, not to interfere. Even if they weren’t going out, no guy would seriously think about going out with the girl, because she’s his girlfriend, going out or not. I can see them getting married. Maybe…I won’t take it that far, but I wish I had what they had.

Actually no, I wish I had something. I wish I had a boyfriend who was my age, went to my school or at least was conviently close by, liked things I liked, hung out with people I hung out with and wanted to be with me all the time. And who loved me. Not *obsessed* kind of love, but when I looked into their eyes, I saw my eyes and inside my eyes would be a relfection of them staring into my eyes.

*I*JUST*WANT*A*BOYFRIEND* A romance, a love of any kind. I really just want to be swept off my feet when I’m least expecting it. I want a guy to randomly show up at my door with flowers. (Haha, wishful thinking) I want him to say I love you when he *means* it. I want him to want to show me off and take me places and introduce me to his family.

I wish so much that I was like one of those ‘romantic comedies’. (See The Man’s blog, www.everyonegetsanopinion.blogspot.com ) I know he says they’re cheesy, but everything works out in the end. And fake or not, those people know how to be in love.

I just want someone to love and I want someone to love me in return. And I don’t want to have to settle for a guy just because I want a boyfriend.

“If you love someone then just say it, right then, right there, out loud, or else the moment just passes you by...”

(My Best Friend’s Wedding. Compliments of Tori.)

Christmas Assembly

This morning we pretty much did nothing. I came to school planning on staying the whole day, but changed my mind. Our first period we did nothing. She told us to sit around and talk French quietly, yeh right! We played around on cellphones and BJ had like the new one that makes movies and has flashy lights, so i enjoyed myself thouroughly. :)

We're on our way to second period, math with Nadeau, and guess who i see? Yup, I think you can guess that it's the crazy mint attach-y guy S. He yells my name down the hall, so i turn around. He says, "Where's your next class?" and i told him and he says, "Oh my god, that's where I'm going now too!" Cus i guess our class had joined with his. So all through that class i had to sit there with that burning feeling on my neck that someone was watching me, and whenever I'd turn around, he was.

Third period was boring, we played mindgames. When that was over, it was an assmebly in the auditorium. It was a six period day. Me and Joe, Chris, Tori and Tom went and sat right in front on the side. Gregor was part of the assembly and all seeing as he is SRC. The screen was down and they were playing the cartoon Grinch movie while they finished up setting up. Some guy gets up there from grade 12 and he starts singing a christmas carol to get everyone going, it was pretty funny. Then our classes had to be introduced. I really think my grade needs some more practise in this area, when they say "Good morning to the class of 2008", we need to cheer louder!!

Everyone was so damn pumped and like the auditorium was all decorated and all the SRC were all dressed up. Gregor had his little elf hat on, what a cutie. They stopped playing the Grinch and put on a Christmas version of Seinfeild. It was the one with Cramer and George's Dad celebrating Festivus, the holiday that they had invented. It got boring after a while, so I was glad when they shut it off.

Gregor comes over to our row and asks who wants to chug eggnog, and not even thinking i was like, "Yeh sure." So Mike Connell asks for my name, and i guess when he wrote it down he put Caitlin Evan's cus that's what he called, which happens to be CCM'S name, and she wasn't even there that day, so I went up. They "conviently" picked three guys to compete against me though, all of them in grade twelve. We all had to go up on stage in front of the whole school and were given a bucket filled with eggnog and a huge hunk of fruitcake, which smelt like green pepper. Then i had to chug it all and eat that while trying not to make a fool of myself, which i ended up doing. It was all in fun though, and I could hear my friends cheering for me so I didn't mind. I chugged all the eggnog but when it came to that damn fruitcake, it was SICK!! i like took a bite and spit it all out. Then i started heaving and Mike Connell walks by me and says, "If you're going to puke, puke all over the place, the crowd loves it!" I was like, "Eww, no."

Seamus won i think, I'm not sure. It wasn't me that won though, lol. But i got some cheers :) I went around back to the bathroom and puked it up, then went back to sit down. The rest of the assembly was pretty damn funny. We did the 12 days of christmas saint malachy's style. It was like "On the first day of christmas my teacher gave to me, A note for the day i cuffed!" There were some crazy ones like "Seven shuttle bus rides." "Eight lunchtime detentions" and some others, i forget lol. There was like more competitions and stuff too.

Towards the end, Dave Mudge gets up there with his guitar and starts singing saying he's going to sing a happy song for christmas. He's like, "Here at Saint Malachy's, we celebrate Christmas in many ways!" Then he starts playing the Hanukah song. Everyone loved it, especially when he got to the part, "So smoke your marijaunicah, and drink your gin and tonica." But then all of a sudden a teacher like hauls him off the stage and you can hear him saying, "I'm gonna get in shit for this one!"

After the assembly, our weird-ass principal comes on stage and says that they talked to Dave and that that was inapropriate for saint malachy's "couture". I thought that was dumb, Dave was only being funny. The guy who wrote the song was jewish, it wasn't discrimatory. I thought it was even more dumb when i heard that the reason it was stopped was because a teacher had started crying because she was jewish. Get over it, everyone deals with it. You weren't getting made fun of, you were getting celebrated.

Afterwards, i got my things and caught a Hosp. UNB bus home. It's kind of weird that Christmas is just around the corner. I don't know, I've been feeling wierd on a lot of subjects lately. Anyhow...

Merry Christmas Saint Malachy's. (And Saint John High, because I'm so nice.) (And HVHS because They're good at hockey.) (And SHS because I like the name "seabees") and well......MERRY CHRISTMAS SAINT JOHN!! (and surrounding areas:)

Saint Malachy's Cabaret 2004

Ok, I'm never underestimating my school's ability to put on a good time ever EVER again!! Cab was soo awesome, I'm really glad that i went, dateless and all.
There's so many funny/absurd/far-out things that happened!! I don't even know where to start! Alright well around 6:30 i went over to my cousin Jessy's house, she lives right by the school. I did her hair right fancy, all flat ironed and *stuff* lol, then we did makeup and all that lovely kinda thing. Like twenty minutes before we were going to leave, Jess's doorbell rings. We go to answer it, (She's in her short-shorts and button up plaid shirt, lol.) And it's her date/boyfriend in a suit with a corsage :D awww! The poor girl didn't even have her dress on yet, so she told him it was ok, that we didn't need a drive and we'd walk and meet him at the school. She threw on her dress and we like *ran* it was so damn cold out.
When we got there, everyone was there looking spiffy! Seeing Gregor in a tie and suit was definately one of the highlights of my night. Lol, everyone just looked aodrable! Most of the girls had corsages, so that was a bit sad-dy cus I didn't, but i dealt with it, lol. Jessy and her date Brent were so adorable together, I really hope those two last. Brent introduced me to his friend S who Jessy later said was like *in love* with me or something. That kinda freaked me out, but he looked "dance-able" lol. He seemed pretty quiet too.

We finally got into the dance, and it was BEAUTIFUL!! They must have worked so hard to decorate that! We had christmas trees with white and blue lights, and christmas lights everywhere. When you first walked into the gym there was like this runway with blue and white fences strung with lights, and like an archway to walkl under, hung with mistletoe. There were little tables set up with lights too, with little bowls of mints on each one, lol. All the girls looked so beautful, it was like "sn-OC" off the OC lol. We had a good dj too. As soon as me and Jess heard there would be requests though, we ran right over to request OUR song.

See, lately Jess has been calling my house a lot leaving me some random messages that are just either the song itself or her singing to "Heaven" by Brian Adams. It sort of became this big joke between us that it was our song. So we go up and ask him to play it, and dedicate it to us. The dj says, "I'm not sure if I'm aloud to do dedications..." So Jess yells out, "Dedicate it to Kate and Jess please! Their boyfriends are going to war!!" Then she runs off.

We really didn't think he was going to play it, until about mid-way through the dance, he announces, "Ok, we're gonna break it down now to a slower note from Brian Adams going out to Kate and Jess!" We just started like running around yelling, "It's our song!" Then we slowdanced for the whole thing, lol.

There were some quite strange parts of last night though too. Brent's friend S was like watching me the whole time, even when he wans't even close to me or when people were talking to him, I would catch his eye looking at me. I had never even seen the guy before tonight, I had no damn idea who the hell he was!! A slow song came on and Jessy and Brent started dancing and Brent's like nodding in the direction of S, so i danced with him. He wasn't an awful dancer, but I've definately danced with better. He was like spinning around too much or something :s Anyhow, then a slow song came on so i like *backed away* and started dancing with my friends again.

Joe's "gf" from PEI was there, and despite what everyone had been thinking when he told us she lived on a potato farm, she was really pretty and really nice. She didn't really know anyone, so i talked to her quite a bit. Her and Joe were ADORABLE together, she was a really nice girl and i felt sort of bad seeing as we'd all been calling her Potato for the past few weeks. ("Hey Joe, when's Potato coming?") Anyhow, her name was Liz. So I'm over there dancing like *crazy* with Liz, Joe, Paul, Gregor, Harrison, and Chris and S comes like out of *no where* and starts chucking mints at me!!! I'm just standing there thinking, WTF?! He's like making a game out of it now, aiming to get them down my dress. Im also thinking, Ok buddy, how immature can you get?! You're two years older then me!! WTF?!?! (again!)

So I walk away from the group and go over to Jessy and Brent, who were *going at it* on the benches and tell them that that guy is a pig!! They just laughed and kind of "continued thier bussiness." I went back over to the group and ignored the little oinker.

The next song that came on was a dedication going out to the gay guy of our school, Brady-J. It's some *crazy* techno beat with like either straight girl or crazy gay-lisp boy lyrics about touching yourself. He then starts to dance like and I don't mean like dance normally, I mean like he had a coreographed *dance*! Everyone was cheering of course, cus like a main thing at our school is accepting everyone, but it was pretty funny. Everyone formed a circle around him and started cheering for him. He had the moves pretty downpat, they were a cross between Britany Spears "Toxic" and Christina Aguilera "Dirrty". I know, only STM eh?

The next dance I ended up dancing with that S guy again. But after that, when i was walking to get a drink and get another mint chucked my way, i was done with that pig. Seriously, what the hell?! So when i came back to the gym, I woulnd't talk to him or dance with him and I avoided him most of the night, dancing with any guy possible so he wouldn't ask me. I danced with Gregor, Chris, Joe and Joey lol, t'was quite a time. Then the Grease Lightning song comes on, and of course Ryan Carr and Ryan Nolan had to go and do thier little "dance" routines they do. They even satrted dirty dancing with two teachers and again everyone like formed a circle around them. I went right to the back of it so that i was out of sight from the S guy with Chris, But here comes S out of *no where* again!! It was just getting ridiculous! At one point in the night, Gregor had come over to me and asked me if I liked him, I said I didn't know him and Gregor says, "Oh, well he wanted me to ask you, because i think he's going to ask you out." I was like, "I don't even know this damn guy and i can't even remember if his name is Nick or Steve!!"

So It's in the middle of the Grease Lightning and S catches my eye and starts saying something, but it was so loud i could barely hear. I thought maybe he was just singing along until i caught what he was saying and it turned out to be him mouthing, "Are you mad at me!?" I was like, "You threw mints at me, That was immature, I walked away! Do you have a problem? Are we dating or something? Cus i had no idea!" Then i walked away. The rest of the night i danced with Gregor so i didn't have to dance with him.

The slow songs made me kinda sobby though. I don't know, it was just the selection of songs like, "Heaven", "My Confessions", "Let It Burn", "Angel". They just made me right sad. Then they played Billy Jean and the whole time i was thinking about pes dances, and Brittany and Lindsay and Jen and how we used to dance to that song like *crazy*. They also made me think of who i wanted to be there with, and who i was there with: a kinda psycho freak with attachment problems.

When it was all over in all, it was an awesome time though. I really noticed how many people I've met at my school now, and how much i love it. And although i didn't have a date, i proved ot myself that unlike Natalie said, I don't need a boyfriend. I want one, but I don't need one. And I need to figure out myself before I can deal with a guy again.

Never To Trust A Boy

I'm so confused by you. You make it all seem so simple. So "uncomplex".It's so much more complex, I'm so much more complex, then you know.

But do you know me anymore? I thought i knew you, but maybe I don't. I'm so damn confused by everything, I just wanna swear off boys for life.

Dylan told me that saying, "I've learned never to trust a boy with my heart again." was too strong of a sentence. What else am I supposed to say? You hurt me, but I still love you? Not going to happen.

I thought I loved you. I saw you through shaded glasses. I can truly see you for what you are now. And I want you to know, I'm never going to be as spiteful as you.

Going to the cab alone is a good choice. I don't need a boyfriend 24/7. Natalie said she thinks I'm the kind of person who needs a boyfriend, so I'll stay with them just to have one. But it's been a week and a half, and I'm lonely, yes. But I'm doing just fine. And I will do just fine.

Memorial Game, Finale

My throat still hurts, but that game was amazing. And yes, I am aware that we lost, but the game was still good. That's not the point. I had a great time. It was just so awsome and uplifting, parading down from my school, in the dark, with our faces, and in some cases bodies, painted. It was so energizing to sit in those bleachers and cheer on our saints. We played a good game, we were good sports. We cheered right along with you when you won. We showed maturity.

Twice i saw a hound fall to the ground, and a saint try to help them up though, and twice the saints were refused. Is it that bad to be seen with the oppisite side? I know, I know, that's right. We're the "fools" right? You guys sat there, looking right cool, while we made fools of ourselves. I just don't get it, how is cheering for soemthing that you belong to a crime? How is showing some enthousiasm embarrasing? It doesn't make sense to me.

And Dylan, how dare you say to me that, "You can't be seen with me because I'm a saint."?!?!! That's BULL and you know it. It never stopped you before, but right. That's the way it is.

I don't care if we lost. We obviously didn't go there hoping to take home a medal. I know it was a game, it was a good one too. We went to cheer on our players. I'm sick and tired of people making fun of saints for being enthousiastic and showing some damn school spirit. I'm so proud to come from a school where people are so damn nice and funny and great to be around.

That was the best basketball game I have ever gone to. It was a game, we lost. So? There will be more, and I will be there cheering on the saints, win or loose. i can't even imagine EVER sitting on the other bench now, I can't imagine, "transfering to be on the winning side." It doesn't matter to me, I've never been on the winning side, especially if they were sore winners. I can't ever imagine joining in on the "saint's suck!" cheers. I can leave the saints, but the saints won't leave me, and that's how it is.

Me and Tom are in the cafeteria after the game and i sit down and say, "So, they have a better cheerleading team, a better basketball team, so what?" And Tom stands up and goes, "BUT WE'VE GOT SPIRIT HUN!" damn straight. We always will. We are the saints, couldn't be prouder. and if you can't hear us (which i doubt) we'll shout a little louder.

And, now i just can't wait for next year's game, we'll be hosting that. ;)

Memorial Game

Today has been great, really uneventful, yet great. I don't even know what has happened today, just it was a good day in general.

Plans for me and Jessy's party are going smoothly, we have a live band to play, even though now they think we're groupies. We have the word spread around pretty good too. Hopefully, it will have a good turnout, but you can never tell.

Oh by the way Mike, i think you may have lost our little bet...ahahah. You said i would get asked, but it doesn't count if i ask someone, and i did, so no one will ask me now, and so you loose! hee hee I'm smooth. So yeh...

Cab night's going to be a blast if all of our plans work out, I'm pretty pumped for a lot of things that are coming up. Today was a six period day with a pep-rally pumping us up for the Memorial Game tonight. Saint Mac's vs. Saint John High, and i can place a bet on who's gonna win, but I'll tell you if I'm right after the game. I'm so excited, me Tori and Jessy are going to Jessy's house after school, then parading down with all the other Saint-Mac'sian's to SJHS. Then we're all gonna wear our red and white, and have our thunder sticks and our face paint, lol. Mike and Levi said to me last night, "Our school has school spirit, but your school's is just unneccisary, don't you ever feel embarrased?" No! No, i don't! How could you feel embarrased when you are part of a group of people that are so proud of where they're from and what they stand for, or when you come from a school that is just so"*great*? Maybe you guys should be the ones embarrased...

Ok, Joe and Chris wanted me to mention them in this post, lol. ok, Well Chris is definately the HOTTEST guy I've ever met in my life, but Joe is hotter. Can't wait to see him when he grows up to look just like his sister, or when Chris starts to get red hair like his fire crotch bro.

Anyhow, I'm out. I'm in tech and it's a free period, so I want to enjoy it by playing some games:) I'm so awesome.

See you at the game, if you're cool that is...

How great of a person are we all? How many of us can truely say we've never hurt someone, we've never lied, never cheated, never bribed, never stabbed someone in the back? We're all imperfect. We all make mistakes. We all have to deal with the consequences.
Ask yourself truthfully,how many people can you count that you've hurt? How many people can you count that have hurt you?
How many times do you think about being hurt a day? Do you hold it all in and feel depressed just thinking about it?
WE*NEED*TO*LET*THINGS*GO, or we will never become better people. We need to be able to forgive the way we want to be forgiven. You can't think that you've only ever been hurt and never hurt in return, everyone's at fault. To ease the pain inside of you, start by easing the pain inside of others. Instead of thinking how many people have hurt you, think about how many people you've hurt, and try and make things better. And if we all did that, think about maybe having the people who've hurt you apoligise...

The Six Chicks, Unedited. They way they were supposed to be.

" Coming out of my cage, And I've been doing just fine. " - emerging from the cage of self-boudaries.-

" Gotta gotta get down, Because i want it all. " - I want everything that's possible to aquire.-

" It started out with a kiss, How did it end up like this? " - That one kiss that changes everything.-

" It was only a kiss, It was only a kiss. " - It was, but it changed so much.-

" Jealousy " - Am I that jealous?-

" Turning saints into the sea, Turning through sick lulibies " - Lulibies of sweet sorrow.-

" Choking on your alibis. " - Who are my alibis anymore?-

" But that's just the price i pay, destiny is calling me. " - I believe in fate, so why not destiny?-

" open up my eager eyes, 'cus I'm Mr. Brightside. " - My eyes are eager, But am i bright?-

I've listened to this song on constant-play for the past three days, yet no matter how much i think it applies to what's going on, i don't think there will EVER be a song that can describe that feeling.

Rain, Rain. Go Away

The rain always seems to add to someone’s mood. It can make you depressed, cold, not wanting to get out of bed or do anything, sometimes it even makes me want to keep off all the lights. It’s dark and dreary, and I don’t think I’ve looked on the bright side of rain in quite a while.

Today, while I was doing the dishes, my hands swishing around in the water, the rain splashed against the window, and I had a sudden urge to go out. The house was just killing me today, just driving me. Mom and liss were fighting again, and I had a headache the size of Toronto.

So I went for a walk. I put on some clothes, randomly, and threw on my coat, grabbed some money for the store and ventured out into the rain.

I’d forgot the smell of rain. Actually no, I’d just forgotten how to smell it. It was sweet and clean and fresh. It smelt like trees and rivers and the wilderness. I walked in the rain, I didn’t put up my hood, I didn’t shield my face from the cold, I walked in the rain. It didn’t matter that I had on really old gym pants or that by now I probably looked like a drowned rat with my hair. It was dark, and it was dreary, but it was familiar and calming.

They say you can leave home, but home will never leave you. I think that’s true. No matter how long you’ve lived away from home, no matter how much of a Maritimer you’ve become, there’s always a bit of home left in. There’s always that love of the rain.

By the time I got to the store, I was soaked. The parking lot was covered in ice from the rain mixing with the melting snow. Before I knew it, I was flat on my ass, right in front of the window to the store. Some worker inside came out to ask me if I was ok. It was embarrassing, but I laughed it off, even though my pride hurt a bit more then my ass.

When I came in, I was wet and cold, but the cold was so cold that it had a numbing effect and it wasn’t cold anymore. Inside was stifling and warm, and I had a sudden urge to go back out into the rain.

Work in Progress

Yes, I’ve changed my blog back to its “classic form”. I finally realized that it’s not what the blog looks like, or how many funky things it can do, it’s what’s written on it. It’s not what I write on, it’s what I write. I think I kind of became a bit too preoccupied with the design then with the writing.

Plus I missed my comments.

I was talking to a friend today who said that they check in on my blog a lot and it had become almost a book to them. And if maybe this is the closest to a book that I’m ever going to get, I never wanted my book to be flashy or showoff. I always wanted my book to be one of those ones that had a really boring cover, so that no one really looked at it, but when someone finally did, they found the best treasure inside. I wanted it to be an example of “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

So, this is my book. This is my work in progress, just like me, just like my life. Everything on this earth is a work in progress, I just have to start working on this a bit more.

Fate

Something i like to believe is fate. I love the feeling that everything happens for a reason. I love knowing that even though it seems like nothing's going good, that in the end it will all make sense because it's how fate had it planned.

"Open up my eager eyes, cus i'm Mr. Brightside." (Mr. Brightside, by the Killers) Maybe we should all try and be "Mr. Brightside" a bit more often. I try and think that no matter what has just happened, it happened for a reason.

Mat and me happened for a reason. I'm glad we did too, taught me some things i guess. Sometimes i think i know so damn much, but then something happens to show me that I'm more dense then i thought, and that i have so much more to learn and experience. Becoming an adult will not happen when we are eighteen, it will happen when we've experienced everything we need to.

I want to experience more. I want to learn more, and go more places meet more people and do more things. I'm so young, yet i sometime's feel like life is going by so damn fast, when really, there's so much more time.

More time. I know i have so much of it, but I'm always asking for more. We all are, and we have to quit sometimes. We have to stop our damn procrastinating and realise that maybe we won't get anymore time. Maybe our time will be cut short. Have you done everything you wanted to?

Fate is something i beleive in. It is a questionable belief like santa or aliens, but none the less. I like being able to blame things on fate, or have hope that fate will make things better. No matter what, i think it all has happened for a reason, made me a better person, or it will.

I began thinking, Maybe we aren't all so different from thos "romantic comedies".

Party?

Ok, there is going to be a major party here. You know it's going to be big when unintentionaly me and Jess are both planning to have one on the same night. I'm not sure yet if it's going to be at her house or mine, on New Year's Eve, seeing as both of our parent's will be out, but either way we have a list of over fifty people.

So yeh, New Year's Eve, whether you want to come or not, there's gonna be a party (most likely at Jessy's) in da SOUTH END. stm'ers and sjhs's welcome!!

Also, B.Y.O.B. we're trying to have enough people, but we have a "feeling" we'll run out. Also we have plans to hotbox the basement.

I have no idea how to throw parties, i want nothing to do with it. I don't care who comes, what you bring, what you do. The point is, we want a party.

So yeh!

You Said

You said.
You said I do.
You swore yourself.
This doesn’t make sense.
And how,
Could you,
Do this to someone you loved?
Then obviously you didn’t.

I won’t.
I won’t take excuses.
I know you’re lying to me.
She’s not just a “friend”.
And how,
Could you,
Let her take Lindy’s place?
Sometimes I don’t get you.

If she.
Thinks I’ll like her.
When I come over.
She has another thing coming.
And how,
Could you,
Expect me to?
I don’t think you see what you do.

New Template

Well, just to keep everyone informed :)

Yes, I will start writting bigger, and in brighter colors.

No, you can't leave comments anymore, you will have to leave them on tagboard.
Yes, you can turn off the music if you scroll down to the bottom of my posts.

Ok, that's about it!

Tech Class

Our tech class today was a "free-period" because something wasn't working with the files or gosh, i don't know. So I've decided to spend the rest of my afternoon typing on this.

Today was a 6-period day because of religion and they made us miss our fourth period class for an assembly about harrasment. It actually wasn't that bad, i mean it started out like all other "informational" assemblies, but it wasn't that bad after that. We watched a movie about some tuogh ass guy and some prissy chick who thought they were right the shit at thier schools. Then it was called "flipped" because they hadto be dressed up as dorks in really nerdy clothes then they had to go to this new school for the day where everyone had been told to be really really mean and rude to them. Then they were told that there had been a shooting at thier school, and that the person shooting had been like wnating to shoot them or something because they had harrassed them. (It was all fake, but they had no idea.)

I guess it really made them think. I think it would make anyone think if they had to flip lives with someone. Put in someone else's place that they would never have expected to be in. I know that sometime's we just get so caught up with what the crowd's doing that it's easy to just go along with it, but truly, when it's you in the "dork" place, don't you wish people would stand up for you? I think we need to be doing a lot more standing up for others then thinking about it. I think we need to take a lot more action.

Before we watched the movie, an award was awarded to this girl for doing some "inspirational" art about bullying. When she went up to accept it, i noticed that it was "cigar" that girl who went to our school when we were in grade seven. We couldn't understand her name, or really much of what she said, and i remember people just calling her the packie.

Then i heard Brent from behind me. He leans over and was like, "Hey that's that girl! I think i tripped her in the halls once..." I felt really bad, but she looked really happy to be awarded that, so i thought on the brightside, like I've promised to start doing. "Well, if we hadn't have bullied her, she wouldn't have won the prize, we "inspired" her." '

Ah, thinking on the bright side. It's a tad hard at times, but im trying. Im trying to be a better person, i really am. At least i can say I'm trying though.

Today Chris walked around for almost all lunch and most of the afternoon with a red balloon stuck to his head. I couldn't even look at him without bursting into laughter. Something about that kid, god it's like he just doesn't even care. That's a good thing though too, he makes everyone laugh.

Tori wants me to tell everyone that she "loves all my readers" and that she's crazy? :s I thought i'd just put that in though just for the hell of it. Kyle and Tom and Paul are beside me playing some game online. people behind me are playing "match that beard" or something. God my class is weird, but i wouldn't trade them for anything. I'm really truly happy at STM.

God, Chris just asked Kyle to put tape on his eyebrow, then rip it off, and he did. I bet these guys would do anything if you dared/asked them too. I'm really bored now, and i'm just rambling on. Now Kyle's trying to "wax" Tom's arm with the tape. I'm just gonna stay over here now.... :S Do my blog.

Anyhow, i had a lot of fun yesterday. My mom came home and ended up fixing the tree again, lol. It was a good try though. And it was great to see everyone. Melissa told me NEVER to invite Trevor over again, cus she "hates" him. I thought it was pretty funny when he kept thinking her name was Sarah.

Anyhow, now i'm just rambling. The point of this entry was...................well, no it didn't have a point. I'm just one screwed up bored lame ass kid.

And you know you love me.

I'm Doing *Great*

And so begins a snow day. The first of many more to come i hope.

There's something just so truely *great* about waking up and finding out that you don't have to go to school today. That you don't have to endure math, the longest class, or Mr. Little's boner again in english, or maybe you find that it's *great* just to completely not have to go at all...

I think snow days are *great* because they give me some time to think things over. They give me some solitude, unlike weekends, because my mom isn't home, and unlike school because it's not so chaotic.

I think deep-down, even though it was cold and we didn't hang out for very long, that i needed last night. I think i needed to get out of my house, and remember what it's like. (cold!)

I've come to a realization. Things are only as *great* as you make them. So I'm not going to waste my year making it terrible. If I'm in control of things, I'm going to make them pretty damn *great*. I'm going to try my hardest to be a bit more optimistic about things. Look on the brighter side, stop listening to such sad music!

I know it wasn't a waste of time. It taught me a lesson. Good things come and go, but the *great* things will always be there.

" but this is all that i have, so please

take whats left of this heart, and use

please use only what you really need

you know i only have so little, so please

mend your broken heart and leave "

Bible Story.

When god made man, he made him perfect. He took his time to create with care every detail, every organ, every hair on our bodies. He made it so that the first man had a wife, someone to cherish and love for all of eternity and he made it so that we lived in harmony with all forms of life. We grew our own food, lived off the earth and were happy.

Then a little snake came along. He tempted Eve with fruit from the “forbidden tree” that god had made them promise they would not eat from. And Eve decided that the fruit must be so great if god made them promise not to eat it, that she bought in to the snake/devil’s evil plan. She also convinced Adam to do it too.

As soon as they bit into the apple, they were poisoned with sin. God thus made them imperfect, able to have sins and make mistakes. He said if they would go against him and choose their own decisions, then he would give them the freedom to decide things for themselves.
So Adam and Eve were forced out of their beautiful kingdom, and were given many hardships. They now grew old, endured pain, they did not have god there to help them at all. Now they had to eat animals, have painful childbirth, endure famine and droughts and the weather. Things were far from the perfect that god had created.

Now, more then six thousand years later, we are still given the same choice. The freedom to make our own decisions. The freedom to do most what we want and to make our own mistakes, which we hopefully learn from.

This is how I see it: Eve sinned first. (I always hated her for that.) She gave women a bad rep for being easily tempted. She made it seem like Adam was so damn perfect and her and that little snake corrupted him. But I bet that Adam was off cheating on Eve by screwing their daughter. And then he probably lied a lot to her, probably made it very difficult for her to love him, but then again, who else was there really? Poor Eve, it was like an arranged marriage. I bet Adam picked his nose and forgot to flush the toilet.

Maybe this is how it happened: Eve was off on the mountain talking to god about how awful her and Adam’s marriage was going, how she had caught him with their daughter, how he always got crumbs in the butter and hogged all the blankets. She was probably asking god to make her a new husband, a “streamlined” one, with less body-hair and a bit more of a chin. Maybe a bit more like our modern day “Orlando Bloom.”

While she was up there talking to invisible god, Adam had snuck up behind and heard the whole thing. He was outraged that she could think she was too good for him, god! He was the one who brought in all the damn money! What would she be without him? Nothing, his damn rib cage had created her!

So an infuriated Adam set off to find the devil. They worked out a plan that the devil would take form of this “perfect man” and tempt Eve away by saying god had made what she had wished for. He would then tell her that god’s fruit tree that he had forbid them to eat off, was the fruit tree of “eternalness.” So if she wanted to be eternally with him, Orlando Bloom, she would have to eat the fruit.

Of course she did! Not even looking back once, Eve crossed the line towards the “forbidden tree.” The lure of something new and adventurous was far more exciting then fruity old Adam, who didn’t excite her anymore…if you know what I mean.

And as soon as she bit into it, god and the devil and Adam all laughed at her. Then Adam handed God a crisp twenty and said, “You’re right, women ARE inferior!” They had been betting the whole time that they could make her sin, to thus prove their point that men were better, seeing as they were all men.

Eve then looked to where her “Orlando Bloom” look-a-like had been, but he had vanished. And all that was left in its place was the core of the apple. She was so angry and frustrated with Adam and his antics that she chucked that apple core at him with all of her “womanly” strength. Stupid Adam had had his mouth open too, bitching at her, saying how her daughter was better in bed then she was. The core flew right into his suck-hole of a mouth and was lodged there permanently. Thus the name, Adam’s apple. God and the devil laughed their asses off, doubling over in tears and pointing in Adam’s direction. When god was done and wiped his eyes, he said, “Your woman needs to be controlled a bit more there Adam!” The he laughed again and disappeared. The devil then came forward, speaking to Eve, not Adam, who was still in the background trying to regurgitate that damn apple.

“A deal is a deal, now since you have sinned you must live an eternity of hardship, and so will your daughters, and your daughter’s daughters, and your daughter’s daughter’s daughters… (Etc.)”

And Eve said “Devil, I agree that I have sinned, but since sinning is something you enjoy so much, I’ll make you a deal. You force Adam to live the same life as me, the same hardships for his many generations too, thus proving that man and woman are equal, and I will make sure that a woman sins or makes a big mistake every minute of every day from now until the end of time.”

The devil agreed, and to Adam’s dismay, sent both of them away to the “badlands.” It wasn’t that bad for him though, he still had his daughter, who happened to now have to “sin” quite often…if you know what I mean.

But Eve was for once truly happy. Adam was now just as imperfect as she had been made out to be. But she had a secret that he didn’t know. God, having enjoyed her little apple show so much, had given her something far better then an “Orlando Bloom” look-a-like, he had given her a bigger brain capacity. No one ever has seen true proof that it is there, but trust me it is. Any woman can tell you.

God fool-proofed it by making it undetectable to men. He didn’t want anyone to know that he had “betrayed his kind.” So to this day men still think they are more superior then women. They still think that it is the woman who is weak, she sinned first, she shows emotion more, she doesn’t have that “right-cool apple thing in her throat”, but woman are smarter. We sin a LOT and make a lot of mistakes, but we’re smarter, so we know how to admit when we’re wrong, accept our mistakes and move on. Men don’t have that mental capacity, and I seriously doubt they ever will.

And that’s just the way god made it.

Guys in General

Why is it that Guys (In general Mat, in general!) think that it's GIRLS who have all the problems in the relationship? Come on ladies, how many boyfriends have you had that always blammed everything on you? How many times have you gotten mad at them for something, that you had every right to be mad about, and they turned it all around so that it was your fault, or made it seem like they hadn't done anything wrong at all?

It's ridiculous!

And why do guys think that after a break-up, it's ok to act normal and like nothing happened? *YOU*BROKE*UP*WITH*ME*. That doesn't mean it's my fault. (How are those capital's for ya?)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Starts pulling out hair, biting bottom lip until it bleeds, and screaming.)

Ah, I DID say I wanted a break. (Randomness x10 entry) I really wasn't thinking about this kind of break, but you know. Maybe I was subconsiously asking for it.

It's funny really, how he enterperted my last entry. It's ridiculous how I have to watch everything I say, you never know HOW it might be taken. God, people should stop being so conceited thinking every damn thing was about them. I have better things to write about.

It's ridiculous how I have to be so careful in what I put, even if it's how I'm feeling. Everyone just walks around on eggshells, hoping that they're not going to slip up.

Well, I say it's bullshit.

And so, I'll get to my day :)

Today was actually pretty good really, nothing awful or mentally-traumatizing happened. It was a six-period day because we had an assembly third period for RASK (Random Acts of Student Kindness) That was the best assembly, like really well thought out. Dylan's brother was dressed in total red and white,(Most of the school was though, It was a red and white day.) with a cape and zoro mask. He was RASKman, determined to bring kindness to our school.

We had a "live" news report, like a whole stage was set up and two of the guys who were dressed in suits with breifcases. They had a big screen behind them and did the whole news of everything, which was pretty funny to hear. They even talked about Jimbob's getting robbed, and about Gregor looking like he was like eight. There were some trivia contests and stuff, and Mark in my class won.

Then we had english. That's actually one of the classes I don't mind that much. We have two english teachers, and I swear, the two of them together would probably take over the world if given a chance. They're so evil, right down to thier villan laugh. Plus Mr. Little's a damn perve who turns every little thing into something sexual. It's all made even funnier by the fact that the man's like sixty something and walking around with a boner the size of the CN tower every day. I swear, the man's been very blessed, even though he's ugly and bald as sin, and I think he has a fettish for grammer.

Lunch time, I met up with Natalie and we went to Brunswick Square for some lunch time shopping. So much to buy and so little time. Then we went to Tim's for hot choclate, then back to school. Afternoon was science, which we got to miss for a basketball game in the gym. Tom didn't get to play though, He's a bench warmer's bench warmer. James got to play though, he's so good! And Joe in my class did too. He's so good even though he's so damn little! Then BBT, that was alright I guess.

And so the search for a Cabaret date ensues! Lmao, this, this is going to be funny folks. We have a contender! :O I know! Like I said, this will be funny.

Anyhow.......I'm out. I've got some serious babysitting tonight out East. But I will write again in a while.

***Best***Day***I've***Had***In***Weeks!***

I'm at a loss for words. Have you ever felt like that?

I just don't know what to say anymore. I*JUST*DON'T*KNOW*WHAT*TO*SAY*.

"You can't believe everything you hear, this dying-tragic world is so unclear, so baby close your ears, to the news tonight." (jack johnson, The News.)

Maybe i will. Close off everything. I*CAN'T*HEAR*YOU*. And even if i could, I*DON'T*WANT*YOU*.
I don't. I'm sorry. It's just too much.

*I*CAN'T*TAKE*THIS*! I'm sicking of being everyone's punching bag. I'm sick of having the blame thrown at me for everything with out any proof, or without even asking me. *I'M*SO*SICK*. I'm so tired. I'm so blah!

I'm so bored with everything. And antsy. And sad. And it seems like everything is happening at once.

Becky's blog (www.canyoudothis.blogspot.com) was talking about how everyone should be in a good mood cus it's x-mas. I can see how that would apply in most cases. X-mas excites me, yah. It's a pep-up to the boring winter months.

Well, I'm out. This was short and POINTLESS but i hope i made a point.... :S

P.s. im sorry, but not too sorry.

Novel

Im starting again with another work in progress.

A blogg-novel. The latest in writting. Check mine out and give me some ideas!

(www.abittoosweet.blogspot.com)

Damn Pictures.

Well, I just spent a good half an hour on the F'n saint john high website. It makes me so ... I don't even know what it makes me... sad?

I looked at all the pictures. I saw Dylan and Jeremy and Jonathan and Levi and well, everyone.

At STM i feel like such a minority. I wonder what it feels like to have people who know you... I don't really mind anymore because it's all over with, fuck i mean it's been almost six months since we attended our last f'n class at pes. It doesn't feel like it, but it has. And three months have alreasy passed at stm, it doesn't feel like it, but it has. And i've already cried about these things, it doesn't feel like it, but i have. And i just wish i didn't care anymore.