Tuesday, November 30

randomness x 10

Sometimes it feels like lissa has everything. Materialistic things yes, but it seems that the more she has, the more she wants.

I can remember being her age like it was yesterday. I didn’t have Christmas, I didn’t have birthdays, and I didn’t have Easter or Halloween or anything. I didn’t ask for much. I barely got much, but that made me appreciate every little thing I ever got.

Dad used to take me fishing with him. I think I was around five. We would drive for miles, singing to his rock music in the van. Me, with my scabbed knees and bleach blonde pigtails. Him, with his red beard and baseball hat. We would sing and laugh and I knew I had the best gift going, because I had a dad who loved me more then anything.

When dad would catch the fish, I would cry every time he broke one of their necks. I couldn’t stand the idea of him being able to take the life of something else. It didn’t seem fair that that fish would be served for our dinner that night. I would think about its family and children and give it a proper burial before we left.

Sometimes dad would catch tad-poles and I would make little “houses” for them in the puddles. Sometimes it was really windy on the glaciers and dad would wrap me up in a blanket and build me a “castle” of rocks. The big flat smooth ones, with the little black specks. We would pile them up around me and I would sit there, crying about the fish no doubt, and watch him.

Dad couldn’t do anything wrong in my eyes. He could play the guitar “better then the guys on t.v.” He could “Make better seafood pasta then mom.” He could catch the best fish, casting his line into the air in one smooth movement of his arm, and in seconds bring a fish out on it.

In my whole lifetime, I’ve only ever seen dad cry three times. Out of everything. The first time I can remember it was because he had got frustrated with me and had pushed me aside. I had fallen and hurt my back. He cried because he knew he had an anger problem, he had taken it out on his own child. Dad’s tears mixed with mine.

The second time was the night him and mom had “the final fight.” Him and mom were in the living room, still yelling about a fight that was about me in the first place. They didn’t even notice as me and lissa slipped away. I brought her down to my room, and pulled out the suitcase. I knew we were leaving. I just didn’t know we were leaving for good. Lissa cried, and I had to stop to tell her that she had to grow up a bit more and accept the fact that for some people life was easy, but in ours things like this happened all the time and she should be used to it by now. I packed a pair of pajamas, a pair of jeans and two shirts and some other things I think. I packed lissa’s bag too.

When the sirens were close enough that I could see the lights, dad came down into my room, where we were. He looked at our bags and broke down. His face had been already red, but it was just awful the way it all configured and tears fell. I know through everything he loved us so much, and never wanted to do anything to hurt us. In the saddest voice ever he said that we didn’t have to leave. He said we could stay with him. I told him, in the meanest voice I could have mustered, that we were leaving and he should have though about missing us before.

The third time he cried it was because he had said to me, “You’re still my little girl, and I’m still going to be here for you as you grow up.” And I said, “Dad, you’re too late. I already grew up.” He just looked me over and it wasn’t like sissy crying but I know his eyes got teary.

Dad wasn’t a bad dad. I hate having to defend him because the thing is, anyone who reads this will think that he was. Dad, with all his mistakes and all, was my stability. For most of my life, he was a third of all the family I had. I didn’t have grandparents or cousins or uncles or anything really. I had mom and dad and liss. I didn’t have many friends either. I never tried to make friends at schools, knowing I would only leave them again a few months later. I never tried with anything.

Last May dad called me up, he was on the speakerphone, and I could tell he was playing the guitar. He had been telling me that he was learning to play and sing at the same time, but I didn’t know what for.

He had written me a song. For my birthday. It was the saddest song I’ve ever heard before in my life. It was so slow, and heartfelt. I don’t remember many of the words, but I know that it said, “and I’ve gone crazy…I’ve gone crazy ever since I held you in my arms…”

One time dad said to me, “The only reason I’m still on this earth is for you and lissa.” Maybe that’s right. How many times has he been near death? How many times has god said, “No Sean, It’s not your time now. You have children to take care of.” And then brought him back down to earth? Maybe dad’s given a choice and he chooses to come back to be here for me and liss.

Liss asked for so much this year. She asked for Barbie’s and make-up and stuffed animals and jewelry and the works. But Christmas doesn’t mean a thing to me anymore. Christmas is lonely, it feels like something you watch in slow motion with sad music playing in the background.

Is asking for a break a crazy Christmas wish? Just a break from it all, just some time, alone, solitary, to think. Without people talking about me, or judging things they can’t see. Without mom’s nagging down my neck or teachers giving assignments. Maybe a week on a remote island. With dad and some fishing and a guitar.

randomness

Calming things are so few and far between right now, it seems almost like I can’t find anything that can ease the pain of my heart. Ease it like a painkiller, sooth it like a mother’s touch on a feverish forehead.

I’m disillusioned. I’m seeing things that aren’t there. Hearing things that aren’t making noise. Remembering things that have no relevance.

Why didn’t anyone tell me I’m going crazy? Why didn’t they warn me that a major “side-effect” to my “sickness” is going crazy? I go to the doctor’s, I ask them, “Is everything alright with me? I haven’t been feeling the best lately, I know my own body, and I know something’s really wrong.”

Their answer, the same as ever. “You’re in perfect health.” No, no I’m not. Are random breakdowns, uncontrollable tears, sleepless nights, stomach ulcers and migraines perfect health?

“We used to laugh a lot, but only because we thought, that everything good would remain.” (Jack Johnson, Mudfootball.)

I’m not taking the time to sit down, take a breather from life and think. And when I do, I can’t stop, and then my thoughts consume me.

It’s that feeling, like a chocking feeling in your throat, not quite tears, not quite in need of the Heimlich. It’s a choking feeling, of your soul escaping. Through it all, through everything that’s been going on, maybe I’m not sick. Maybe the doctors just can’t detect a missing soul.

Dad called me tonight. He makes me so sad, not angry or anything from talking to him, and he doesn’t like beat me down or anything to make me sad. He just makes me so sad. It’s bad enough one of his marriages fell apart, but two? He seems to think it’s him, and that it all has to do with the choices he’s made. Maybe it does a bit. I bet if I were a newlywed, I wouldn’t much like my husband jetting off to foreign countries about once a month, and not taking me. Hell, I hate it now. I wish for once he would call me, take me with him. It’s just like when I was a little girl, crying as he went to work. I wanted him to take me with him everywhere.

He listens to the sad music, talks low and sad, says how much he misses me and lissa. Like I wrote in “Losing It,” though, sometimes saying, “I miss you,” Isn’t good enough. It will never be good enough for me. Saying, “I miss you dad,” Isn’t going to bring him home.

Sometimes I just sit down, and take a breather and look into my life from an imaginary window. I see myself sitting there, gasping for air, reliving things in my mind. I miss dad so much, with everything. I lost him, but I’ve permanently lost him too. Because although I say, “I miss you,” It doesn’t bring him back. It doesn’t undo what I did that night.

Then I see myself little again. I’m six years old and hiding in the closet with lissa in pillowcases. Mom and dad are yelling so loud, but I can still hear them over Melissa’s crying. I can hear things breaking, I can hear doors slamming, mom screaming. They always came into our room. They always dragged us out of our only comfort, the closet. Even though we were young, and only knew that “daddy was hurting mommy,” they made us feel like judges and like we had to hear their whole fight, then decide who was right and who was wrong.

Then it’s the next day. Mom’s passed out on the couch, thanks to some heavy drinking the night before. Dad’s left for work “early” because he doesn’t want to “deal” with my crying. I was always crying at the beginning. But I had to grow up. I had to stop crying, so I could be there for lissa while she cried. I had to grow up so that I could take care of her. I had to change her diapers and make our beds and clean our rooms. I had to get wet cloths for mom’s bruises.

I grew up so fast. I see myself now, and I feel like I lost my whole damn childhood being a surrogate mother to my sister. I see how other people see me through a window. They have no idea the struggles we faced. And if I were to try and describe them, they wouldn’t be able to understand.
Sometimes I think mom and dad divorcing was the best thing that ever happened.

But I feel so lost.

Add-Ons.

Everything old needs something new to spiff it up. So I've added something new to my site.
If you'll all scroll down to the bottom now, you'll see i made a subscribe-y thingy and a visitor counter. (They were so hard to make, you have no idea!)
Yup, well there are my changes, just so you know.

P.s. I was talking to a friend and i said, "you hardly ever leave comments" and they said, "I didn't know you wanted me to!"
I want every comment you have to say. Bad or good, anything that comes to your head when you read what I've wrote.

Monday, November 29

I've decided to help other find their theme songs. Leave a comment and tell me if either of these suit you, or which song you think is yours.
" Well, I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again
What's wrong,
What's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside "
(Nobody's Home, Avril Lavigne.)
What about this one?
" This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her, When she smiles...
How many days in a year?
She woke up with hope but she only found tears.
And I can be so insincere,
Making her promises never for real
As long as she stands there waiting,
Wearing the holes in the soles of her shoes
How many days disappear?
When you look in the mirror so how do you choose?
Your clothes never wear as well the next day,
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
But you never seem to run out of things to say... "
(Nine Days, Story of a Girl.)
or this one,
" It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want
I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved "
(Maroon Five, She will be Loved.)
I like this one,
" It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me,
just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending "
(Avril Lavigne, My Happy Ending.)
and one final one,
" But I can tell that you're watching me
And you're probably gonna write what you didn't see
Well I just need a little space to breathe
Can you please respect my privacy
I'm tired of rumors starting
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lying
Saying what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
Why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is "
(Lindsay Lohan, Rumors.)
I'm pretty sure there's one that would fit most everyone in there. If yours isn't in there, let me know.

The Grudge Review.

I'll tell you right now, the only good parts of this movie weren't on screen.

O.k, so movie starts out right, old man standing on balcony. His way-too-good-looking-for-this-old-geezer wife asks him what's wrong, to which he replies by jumping off the fucking like tenth floor.

Next scene. Some exchange student chick and her Bf. He seems italian and the funny thing about him was sometimes he had an accent and sometimes he didn't Plus he had NO emotion what's so ever. They start going at it, I don't even know the point of this.

Ok, Now some chinese girl (yoko) is at some white old ladies house supposedly being her acre taker. The old lady is extremely on-edge and seems a bit psycho. The chinese one is talking on the phone, thne she goes upstairs after hearing noises or something and gets pulled up into the attic by hands that came out of NOWHERES! (minor scary part.)

Cuts back to Exchange chick. She's at a care centre and being told she has to take Yoko's place sitting the old lady because she "didn't show up today" Little do they know...

Old lady seems still crazy, Exchange chick hears noises upstairs, follows them into a room, sees a closet door, taped, yes TAPED shut. Meowing and scratching noises are coming from inside. In an act of STUPIDITY she opens the door. It's dark and all she sees is a journal. Then she hears a meowing noise. It's a damn kid with CRAZY eyes sitting there with a cat. She screams, runs downstairs, blah blah blah blah.

"Gonichiwa, Wakarimasa (name)" (I think that's it.)

By the way this movie takes pleace in Tokyo, so there is subtitles! YES!

Ok, now we have some random flash back, that you can't even tell is a flash back until the end. Some chinese real-estate agent is showing the old lady and a man and two ladies the house that the cat part is in. The old lady dissapears, man and women go to look for her. Somehow the chinese real estate agent hears water in the bathroom. He goes in to investigate, and OH NO! Get's pulled in by imaginary hands! He escapes, but with a chunk of hair!!

The people say they will take the house, then something else happens, i forget. The man's wife somehow finds the kid and he comes home to find her in a bed, the kid pops out and scares the life (literally) out of the wife. She's dead.

Flashforward. Someone finds the exchange chick sitting there PETRIFIED. (I think this is what happens) Then investigators come in, they question the employer for the care centre and find out yoko is missing too. The chinese man finds attic, inside he finds a dead man and woman, the husband and wife from last scene. Then something with the answering machine, they find a message from the husband's sister, the old lady'd daughter.

Flashback (AGAIN!) It's the sister, leaving the message. She's the last one at sme office building. She hears a noise, gets freaked out and leaves, Makes her way to the stairs, WHY STAIRS?! As she's going down, something freaky happens with the lights, blah blah blah, she runs out to the security room, talks a bit of chinese, the security gaurd runs off. She watches him on the screen, he checks out the stairs, then leaves around the corner. As she watches the lgiths dim and something seeps out from under the closet door, blah blah blah (A la Ring) She runs away, goes home. Gets freaked out there too, in the end i don't know what happens to her. She seems a pointless character.

Investigators. In a hospital room with exchange student. She seems "distressed" They tell her about the bodies. Then somehow the investigator tells her about a few years ago, there being a case there where a man and a woman (chinese) were found dead in the same house. Shows a picture he found in the house. It's the little boy in the picture with them. Then he tells some gay "legend" about how in chinese when an awful crime is commited, the emotion satys in the house, killing everything or something gay. Then he says three of his friends died investigatiing that house last time or something.

Exchange student investigates online. Finds some papers about the crimes. Somehow on the same page there's a story about a man jumping off a tenth florr balcony (scene one) She decides they have something in commen.

Goes to visit wife. Wife shows her some pictures. Exchange chick notices that in every picture there's a woman, the same one every time. (STOCKER!)

Goes home, can't find boyfriend with fake accent. There's a message. It's him saying he's gone to the haunted house cus he thnks she's there or somehting. She takes off running to fine him.

When she gets there it's another flashback, except she's in it this time watching it happen. It's the man who jumped off the balcony. We find out he was a teacher of the first woman who killed herself. He's there because he wants to talk to the woman because she sends him a letter like every day. She watches as he talks to the son, who won't say where the parents are. Then somehow he gets drawn to the attic too, where the dead body of the chinese lady falls out on him. He finds diary of hers that says pretty much that she's in love with the suicide guy but he doesn't know she exits.

Another flashback. Now it's the night she died. Husband found the journal, kills her by drowning her, then hangs himself. The suicide teacher finds him hanging in a bedroom, and somehow he keeps bouncing off the wall.

Then something happens. not quite sure, girl sets house on fire.

Hospital. Girl lives boyfriend dies. She's looking at his body when she hears the throat noise that signifies that the girl is near. She turns, AH! It's her.

FRIGGIN GAYEST MOVIE EVER! Only made good by Levi and Mike's add ins. Mike decides that everytime there's subtitles he's going to read them outloud REALLY loud. and if anyone says anything he's going to say, "I would stop, but my friend is blind," (Levi.) Then he starts making things up and doing accents. While Levi, the little pot-head starts making the most random comments on everything.

We stayed for the credits, and the damn movie actually has a SOUNDTRACK! The only sounds we heard the whole movie was an annoying violin, a throat noise that sounds like a sheep and a high pitched squeeling, sometimes a meow.

Worst movie, waste of money. Made better by Levi's dance though. That was classic.

I tried...

And i just couldn't!

When i visited Becky's blogg today, (www.bexluvzu.blogspot.com) and saw that she was leaving her blogg for a new less comment-y one, i thought that might be a good idea for everyone, to start a new.

So i tried. (www.theenchantedtoilet.blogspot.com) (hahaha i know eh?) But i couldn't. This has been my blogg from day one. What i mostly use it for too is to write out all my pent-up frusterations and thoughts that i somehow need to vent out into the world. So i guess you could say it's always been here for me too.

Dwelling in the past can be the same as dwelling in my previous posts. So, instead of leaving my blogg behind, im just starting a new from here in.

Losing It.

How many times have we all lost something?

Maybe it was your keys, your mitten, your earring, your favourtie cd. Maybe you lost track of time, or lost your little sister in a crowd. Maybe you yourself got lost and had to find your way back to where you belong.

We all loose things, but have we ever lost it? Has it ever seemed like everything right then at that time was going terribly wrong? Have we ever sat down, maybe tried to count our blessings, and were too torn up inside to think of any?

I know people who have lost love ones. Who have seen their lives taken. Who have lost so much, yet they still get up every day and move on with thier lives.

You can loose touch with someone. You could have been at one time best friends, and now you see each other every day, but you've lost them. You can loose someone you loved. Made a wrong desicion and screwed up what could have been the best thing in your life. You might see them all the time, but not be able to find the words to say how you feel.

We may have temporarily lost these people. But we can get them back. That's the thing. If we're really determined, we are the ones who determine our future. We make our own choices. I'm sure if we all put out the first hand of forgiveness, things would be a lot better. The things and people we've lost, we can get them back.

Some people can't. Some people have lost things for good. They've lost everything that we take advantage of every day.

I've lost many things. I know a lot of people that have. I know a lot of people I've lost because of choices I've made.

Maybe if we could, we'd all take back what we've done in the past. Maybe we'd try and re-do everything over and over until we think we've achieved a perfect life. But perfection is a word that can't truely describe anything. Imperfections ruin things everyday, but it is our imperfections that people tend to love us for.

I know every single one of you reading this can think of at least five things right now that you've lost. That you might do anything to get back. Someone special that you'd do anything for, they just don't know it yet. Maybe you lost a chance with someone great because you didn't tell them how you felt. Maybe just thinking about loosing someone you love is enough to make you unable to sleep at night.

Maybe I'm losing it. Maybe the only true thing right now i think i've lost is sanity itself.

What have you lost?

Friday, November 26

Found My Theme Song

JACK JOHNSON - Fortunate Fool Lyrics
She's got it all figured out
She knows what everything's about
And when anybody doubts her,
Or sings songs without her
She's just so mmm
She knows the world is just her stage
And so she'll never misbehave
She gives thanks for what they gave her
Man, they practically made her
Into a mmm
She's the one that stumbles when she talks about
The seven foreign films that she's checked out
Such a fortunate fool
She's just too good to be true
She's such a fortunate fool
She's just so mmm
She's got it all figured out
She knows what everything's about
And when anybody doubts her
Or sings songs about her
She's just so mmm
She's the one that stumbles when she talks about it
So maybe we shouldn't talk about
Such a fortunate fool
She's just too good to be true
She's such a fortunate fool
She's just so mmm

O.k, Maybe this isn't my theme song. But it's too damn hard to find one. I don't think i even have one. Superhero's and things like that get theme songs. I get funny looks in the halls.


History Lesson

Tonight, i was talking to Mike and we got talking about the whole depressing of our lives thing. How we wished everything could be like it was, how we all missed each other, how we didn't hang out enough anymore. Dylan and me talk about this too and even me and Jeremy talked about it tonight.

It's true. It's all true. We all miss each other so much. Things are not awful, no, but they're different. Saint Mac's is so much fun. I love my class and the people in it are starting to grow on me. I know in a few years time we'll be like how the pes crew was, but i don't want to wait for a history. I want to have one now.

There's nothing lonlier then walking down the halls and not recognizing anyone. I know if i went to SJHS i would be shouting hello's to every damn person i saw. I know i made the right choice, im so prooud to be a saint. But i wonder if i made the happiest choice.

I saw Brittany, Lindsay and Jen today during lunch at Spago's. They were all sitting together and i could tell they were comfortable with each other and they had a history. I wonder if maybe i hadn't have left, if i wouldn't have grown apart from them.

A lesson in history. It's always there. You'll always have history with someone to talk about and to refresh your mind about how much you love being around this person.

Talking to Dylan, Mike and Jeremy tonight, i knew i had a history with them. We could go three months without talking and pickup where we left off.

Memories.

Maybe I'm just not around them enough. Maybe i'm not around people in general enough anymore. I've sort of inverted myself into my own little shell. I've found myself sitting with a group of people, and not saying a thing. Sitting in class and actually doing my work, and walking through the halls alone. High school is lonelier then i thought. I need my little "chats" during the week to perk me up.

Weekends give me the fuel to work through the rest of the week. But lately they've been so downtrodden. Nothing much to do, the usual. Hang out at my house, Nat's Brother's hockey games or a family thing. This weekend i have to go away. I feel like im in a rut. I sit inside and don't do anything. Im not expressive, or loud, and when i walk past a mirror, im not smiling. Not even today when the dentist cleaned my teeth up all nice.

Maybe thinking about my history with people is depressing because what was won't be what is again. Maybe i ponder things too much, bury my face in the past.

But i remember everything, and i can bring back any memory to play on my mind's projection screen, in vivid detail, just like yesterday. I'm even doing it right now. In this one I'm smiling and laughing so hard i can't breathe. I haven't laughed that hard since.

Although i might not be smiling or laughing on the outside, at least i am on the inside, but the memories of some things are eroding me away, from the inside out.




Thursday, November 25

Well, Maybe Being Un-Active Has It's Peaks.

I'm unactive.

I said it. I can admit it. I'm not one of those people who try and classify their extra-curricular activities as being active. Just because you take yoga or like Horseback riding doesn't mean that you're in shape.

I've always been the unactive sort. Sat on the sidelines in gym, didn't know what way to run when playing baseball, would rather not be involved in anything then to give up any of my free time.

It's kind of the way it's been going with the musical. I want to be part of it so bad, but that's where my unactiveness comes in. See, when it said, "musical" I heard the word music and thought, "Singing, now there's something i can do. Now i can be involved in some activity!" But noooo. Damn Musical had to go and get all dance-y on my unactive ass.

O.k. news flash people, i can't dance. I mean i can do that whole dancing at like a high school dance thing, it's pretty basic. You just kind of...move...with the music. But actual dancing?! God. I swear, if i was being held hostage, in the Hymalayas, against my will, with wild ninja's with large harpoons, threatening to kill me, and they said, "We'll let you go unharmed if you give us a little dance, but if you don't WE'LL KILL YOU." ...I don't think I'd be able to do it.

Well, maybe some of that would be because i'd be scared shitless, but i just can't dance. Our damn coreographer makes the most ridiculous moves and as im prancing around on stage, forgetting how to do a box step and stumbling over and toes i feel about as graceful as a large hippopotamus that just ate the fucking CN tower.

So anyways, this is my formal excuse for why i've missed two practises this week. "I can't dance." But i'm starting to think that the real reason is because I'm inactive and my fucking blob of a body has gotten too damn used to it.

I'm not calling myself fat or anything, don't get me wrong. But i mean, the thought of staying after school and moving around just about kills me. All i want to do is come home, change into my pj's, sit down in front of the damn computer and eat.

This is the case today. No word of a lie, right now i sit in front of my computer, in silk duckie pj's, with a big bottle of pepsi, a bowl of popcorn and a bottle of fluff. This is how i write. I can't sit here in front of a blank screen and think of anything if i'm not "fueled" properly.

Chris says to me:

" what is your blog about today?
"

.xXx. kÄtéLyÑ love's Mat .xXx. She's Such A Fortunate Fool. says:

" about how im unactive lol. and i had already stared it before you made fun of me so don't think you inspired me or anything.
"

Chris says:

" lol thats kinda funny ur writing about how ur unactive while in front of a computer eating a jar of marshmellow fluff "

I don't find it funny. Ironic, yes. Funny, no. What if i actually have a condition?
I mean it. I don't like being involved in things. Maybe I'm stuck in a life long rut. And the sad/disturbing part is, I like it.

Tuesday, November 23

Theme Songs Part Two

Ok, I've done some more thinking about my theme song. Like a lot of hard-work thinking and searching the internet for the perfect one. And after much time and thought, i think i just might have found it...

Upside, inside out
she's livin la vida loca
She'll push and pull you down,
livin la vida loca
Her lips are devil red
and her skin's the color mocha
She will wear you out
livin la vida loca
Come On!
Livin la vida loca,
Come on!
She's livin la vida loca.

I LOOOOOOVE This Song!! (Who cares if it's old!)

"My Boo"
(feat. Alicia Keys)
[Usher intro:]
There's always that one person
That will always have your heart
You'll never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start
Know that you're that one for me
It's clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby ooh you'll always be my boo
[Alicia intro:]
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock
[Usher Verse:]
Do you remember girl
I was the one who gave you your first kiss
Cause I remember girl
I was the one who said put your lips like this
Even before all the fame and
People screaming your name
Girl I was there when you were my baby
[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo
[Alicia:]
I was in love with you when we were younger
You were mine my boo
And I see it from time to time
I still feel like my boo
And I can see it no matter
How I try to hide my boo
Even though there's another man who's in my life
You will always be my boo
[Alicia Verse:]
Yes I remember boy
Cause after we kissed
I could only think about your lips
Yes I remember boy
The moment I knew you were the one
I could spend my life with
Even before all the fame
And people screaming your name
I was there and you were my baby
[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo
[Alicia:]
I was in love with you when we were younger
You were mine my boo
And I see it from time to time
I still feel like my boo
And I can see it no matter
How I try to hide my boo
Even though there's another man who's in my life
You will always be my boo
[Usher:]
My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo
[Alicia:]
My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo
[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo
[Alicia & Usher:]
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock

Theme Songs...

I know i have a theme song. I just haven't found it yet. I've been searching forever for one song that would just, "fit" you know? One song that would describe my whole life, my whole day, maybe my whole existence.

Today i was sitting in science and i said to Tom, If i had a theme song, what would it be?" He looked at me thoughtfully, then started sawying and dancing. T says, "I don't know... but I'm dancing to it!" Maybe my theme song is the kind of song that you can't hear and is more like the wind or the birds in the trees. Maybe my theme song is life itself, the music of the earth, the running of the water, the twinkling of the stars.

Well, im out, im in tech right now. If you have any idea what my theme song is, please leave a comment.

Monday, November 22

My thoughts. (The UN-EDITED version.)

Hmm, where to begin. Too many crazy thoughts, not enough time.

Thought #1. - Why do people always laugh at others who are in the same situation as them? Is it human nature? Or just our own thoughts of how things should be and always thinking that we are far superieur then our peers?

Thought #2. - Why do people who can't speak french always just add é to then end of everything and think they've created a word?! (Ex. Je go-é a la store-é to buy-é a pop-é.)

Thought #3. - When did people stop saying Peace Out?!?!?!?!!?

Thought #4. - Why, when i think i'm saying something right intelligent do people still laugh? Why can't they hold thier breath or plug their noses or something? Why must the burst my confidence bubble?!?!

Thought #5. - Is there such a thing as simple twists of fate? Is it possible that one little action you've made in your life can affect everything else that will happen from now until the day you die?! (God, Im scared.)

Thought #6. - Is the Pigman really Michael Jackson? I wouldn't be surprised.

Thought #7. - Hitler, dead or alive?

Thought #8. - Is it better to not talk to some one then to be "just friends"?

Thought #9. - WHY ARE THERE SO MANY DAMN PERVERTED PEOPLE?!

Thought #10. - What would Joe look like with a blonde wig on??

Thought #11. - What did that gay pride float have to do with christmas?!

Thought #12. - Why do people always want to help you when first the need to help themselves?

Thought #13. - Why is it sometimes best to bite your tongue? If you have something to say, say it! Don't be afraid of what people think.

Thought #14. - Why is everything in life a race? Race to the end, race for who kissed first, race to loose our virginity....why not a race to see who can die first?! Huh? Let's race to DIE!

Thought #15. - Why do i have soo much to say and only so many people to talk to? It's not fair sometimes that people don't want to hear my ideas.

Ive got to go thought, time for a break. Ttyl kat

Thursday, November 18

Computer Time With T And Kat...

Hello my pretties. Today I am in technology once again, having to share a computer with my friend Tom. Yea, I know our school is sooo much fun. Well anyways Tom's right excited to type something so I'm going to let him tell you about our "lunch time experience."

Ok so Gregor gets this crazy idea that we sould go to a gay bar. I have no friends so I decided to go along with them. Well as soon as we arrived...

Ok, time's out for free time on the internet so we will write again leter.

bye from kat and Tom.

Wednesday, November 17

Get Your Bob-The-Builder On!!!

O.k, I know by now you all know that my school is just plain crazy. We do retarded things, have retarded people and sometimes I wonder who even thinks up of these things!

If you scroll back on my blogg for a while you will find and entry called, "Get your pink on." That was for our run-for-the-cure day in which everyone, and i mean everyone got dressed up in pink to show that they were supportive. At least thjat's what it was supposed to be like, but our school takes everything waaayyy out of control. Guys came to school in pink skirts, wigs and dresses. People were wearing pretty much every damn pink thing that they could find in thier house.

And now tomorrow we're having "Celebrating Construction Day" (I swear our school will use any excuse to dress-up and have a fun day.) To celebrate our renovations that are taking plcae on our school. So, our theme is Bob The Builder. We've had to endure "Mambo #5" about three times today blasted on the intercom, but a Bob the Builder version, so that all the words were about "construction." Then Mike's voice would come on and encourage us to come to school tomorrow dressed up like construction workers. And I KNOW everyone is going to go waaay out on that one.

We're having an assembly too and something about eating bob the builder alphaghetti and bob the builder buns or something. I know it will be a good time. So we'll end up not really doing anything tomorrow. (I hope.)

Our damn six period days tend to make the days drag by and take forever to get over with. That's what today was...

But woohoo! It's done! It's 3:30 on the dot now! So i have to go. Ill ttyl in a few days when i get my comp back.

Woohoo! Honours!

Yes, That's right. Katelyn Andrews has acheived HONOURS! woopee! (Although it was only by 0.6% but you know...) Anyhow yes!

Well today we got out home reports. I'm a little bit worried that my mom might flip a bit for my 63% in science, but seeing as my science teacher isn't the best at teaching I don't think she'll mind much.

These are my marks as follows;

Eng Language Arts 9a Little, J. 73.00%
FI Mathematics 9a Nadeau, D. 80.00%
FI Sceince 9a Garey, M. 63.00%
FI Social Studies 9a Vaughan, T. 72.00%
Phys Ed/Technology Stanton, C. 90.00%

Yes, so all in all i have honours for my first term. Well, so far.

Right now I'm in technology and i HATE to inform you that I am typing my entry here today because my AWFUL-PEICE OF POOP computer won't work again! So it's in for repairs and in the meantime I will write my entries from here in tech class because if i don't there won't be any entries from me. boohoo.

Tuesday, November 16

I Don't Have Hotmail, So Damn It! This Is Going To Have To Work!!

Well everybody. I hope this font is more pleasing to your eyes.

O.k. so today i come home from school as usual (well actually a bit late because i had musical, but i'll get to that later.) And i come in, turn on my for-now shit-ass peice of junk computer and sign onto my blogg.

Wopee! I think, five new comments on my latest entry. My first entry I've actually wrote about like with "thought" and "topic" lately. Lately though my mind has been as jumbled as my writting so i apologise. Anyhow! I come onto my comments page and WOAH! I have one from my childhood friend Johny! I haven't talked to this kid in AGES! And he gave me his email and everything to write to him, so I'm thinking, wow! I'm going to get right on that and right him a right nice email! Then my mind clicks in and i think, "Damn, if only my MOTHER FUCKING EMAIL WOULD WORK!" So then i think, well maybe I'll just talk to him on msn. "IF ONLY MY ASS-WIPE OF A COMPUTER WOULD DOWN-LOAD MSN!" So for now i have to settle with hoping that he will re-visit my blogg so i can cominucate with him on here until better arrangements.

Then i saw a comment from a Dylan and had no idea who it was at first, but then when i read the next one i knew it was my friend DYLAN! woohoo! Dylan, don't bother making a blogg anyways! lol, leaving comments like that is fine. You know what? Just today in Musical i was thinking to myself, (As your brother yelled out, "Mr. Kiln, since we have rehearsal on my birthday, can we have cake?") I miss dylan:( So since you now know about my "delemma" with the computer and all you can just talk to me on here. :)

By the way, you better be coming to my damn musical! (See I say "i" when I have barely a role, but you know.) But your brother's in it, so you'd be coming anyways, but you have to come just to cheer for me!!! ok?

Anyhow speaking of musical... that's where i was until five. That's where i'm going to be like every second day till like six thirty and every sunday too! Holy Moly! But this musical is going to be sooo awesome! We haven't even really started it yet, but i just know!

For those of you in the "area" Aida (the Saint Malachy's Production.) Will be put on:

Thursday, February 24th starting at 8 o'clock.
Friday, February 25th starting at 8 o'clock.
Saterday, February 26th starting at 2 o'clock.
Saterday, February 26th starting at 8 o'clock.

(Mark your calender.) It will be in the Saint Mac's Auditorium, tickets ten or fifteen i think.

Anyhow people, this isn't a very "organized thought" blogg either. But I'm out, I'm tired, and i have some "singing" to do! (hahaha)

p.s. Thanks Dylan! I will keep up the "good writting."

WOAH...Trippy.

O.k, if you check onto my last blogg entry and look into the comments, you will find that one is written by a "Johny." That is TOOO weird!!!

Holy SHIT! Johny!! O.k, before i go through the whole, "explain who Johny is and how we know each other thing," I have some things to say to him!

OH MY GOD! i haven't talked to you in sooooo long!!!! It's ridiculous!!! I want to email you sooo bad! But my msn and hotmail BOTH won't work!! (convenient eh?) Well anyhow the only thing that WILL work on my computer right now is my blogg. So for the time being until i get my virus fixed we can talk through comments on here. I hope you decided to come back onto this site!! O.k, well leave me a comment, and i'll set up a blogg where we can talk, o.k?

Wow! That made my day! O.k. well Johny and me have known each other since we were like two and my family moved to Vancouver. We got the house right next to his and me and him were like "TIGHT" lol. We grew up together, like his mom and my mom were right close and his dad and my dad were friends and his brother and my sister, and it was just crazy! Well anyhow, long story short, my family packed up and moved away to Armstrong and we never saw each other again. Or barely even talked! But, ah, the advances of technology!! hee hee!

Monday, November 15

Love Is A Piano Dropped From A Four Story Window-The Final Frontier.

Love is a piano dropped from a four story window.
It is. It really is. No matter how many times i read these ingenious words of Anni Difranco, they will always have an impact on me.

Love isn't like anything or any emotion that you experience. It isn't what you think, or what you think you know, or who you think you are. Love is something far more complex then anything.

You can say, but not mean, that you love someone. But to say it and mean it, you have to show it. You have to show that person that you love them with all of your heart. And then hope that the love is returned.

I see so many "couples" these days who don't knnow the meaning of love. People throw that word around so much i think we've lost the meaning. Maybe nnone of us have even truely ever found it and we only ever will when we can love each other, love our neighbors, love ourselves, love our freinds and love our foes.

Maybe I don't know what love is. I'm not trying to sound like i do or be like the love-guru that some people think they are. I'm just saying, love is complex. It's not your typical one-definition-and-that's-the-end-of-story kind of word. It's more like a rainbow.

Love can be the feeling you get when you see your friends waitting for you to catch up. Sounds ridiculous, but then again, you love your friends right? And if they're your friends, you'd do anything for them, right? Well that's love.

Love can be when you come home and find that your mom has made your favourite meal for diner. Parents are annoying, i know too well, but they love you. And no matter what you can never really hate your parents. They might be awful sometimes or just screw your life and future up right to shit, but they're your parents. And you know you love them.

Love can be when you find that one person that makes you feel like gold. That lets you know that they love you and are willing to do anything for you. It could be when you realize that it's the one person that you can't live without. Or when you realize that all that time searching was wasted because the whole time you could have been with this person.

Love can develop. You could have known someone your whole life and not known that you love them until one day, it was just there. You can have love fade away too. You could have loved someone truely, with all of your heart, and then one day, just realized that your love for them now wasn't genuine.

Love is so confusing. Sometimes it keeps me awake at night, pondering the many aspects of it. Pondering.

Maybe Anni Difranco captures it best out of all. "Love is a piano dropped from a four story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time."

This could mean two things. This could mean that at the time that the piano fell, you were beneath it and it hit you head-on when love was not what you wanted right nnow in the least, or it came at the wrong time. Or it could mean that the love that you have been waitting for for ever, hoping that you would find fell from the roof of a building, and it didn't hit you because you weren't there. You missed love and sometimes it might only come once in a lifetime.

Just Some Random Things From Today...

Today I came down the hall to get to my locker before first period, and my cousin Jessy came over to me to show me something on a peice of paper that Gregor had found on the floor. When i opened it i realized that it was a song, written by none other then ... CCM.

(And here it is)

As i lay up on my bed
I begin dreamin
How I it's going to be the day that i am free
Once i settle like a dust up on the table
But then you came along
You help me write this song

(Chorus)
I don't know what day it is
I can't recall the seasons
I don't remember how we got this far
All i know I'm loving you for all the right reasons
My sky, you'll always be my morning star.

Like a tarp bird flying high across the ocean
I was outside, looking in
You made me live again
From the mountains to the prairies
Little babies
Figures fill thier heads
Visions paved in red

(chorus)

From the train in Manchester, England
Lighten fills the sky
As i watched you wave good-bye
from the mountains to the praries
little babies
figures fill thier heads
visions paved in red

(chorus)

well i have more to write, but i don't have time so i will later. when i get home.

Saturday, November 13

DAMN YOU SNOW!!!

I curse you into oblivion!!

well, today is our first major snow here in Atlantic Canada. I woke up this morning, and just knew, you know? Like i layed there for a bit, and there was just that muffled-echoey thing going on so i jumped up and peeped out of my window, and what do you know, SNOW!

I suppose in some ways snow is fun/good. Snowball fights, snow men, getting all worked up and cold and then coming in for hot chocolate, (or a hot shower ;) ), snow days. But it has it's dissadvantages too.

The Things I Hate About Snow. (In order of how much i hate them)
1. When snow falls down onto your face and screws up your makeup.
2. When you have to wear "layers" and "hats and mits"
3. When your sneakers get wet.
4. When the bottom half of your pants ALWAYS get wet, even if you roll them up and avoid puddles.
5. That kind of crusty snow that looks like it's stable, until... you take a step on it and fall through!
6. Slushy snow. Enough said.
7. Pink Noses. they aren't attractive in the least.
8. Cold toes that are soooo cold that they are a shade of whitey-purple when you take off your shoes and you have to put them in the tub to soak, but then that just makes things worse because of the pins and needles you now get.
9. SOUP!!! unless if it's spilt pea, or .... no just split pea, i HATE soup!!!
10. Children playing in the snow. It sounds innocent, yes, but NOOOO. it's evil. When they throw snow at you when you're all dressed up nice going off to school and for the first time you got your hair perfect and then
WHAM! you get one right in the face. I tell you, children playing in snow is pure evil.

I guess i thought i still had some time before the snow hit, seeing as halloween was only like two weeks ago! But i guess i forgot how Saint John's Winter-System works;

November- Late April- SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW.
April- Late June- Rain, clouds, fog fog fog.
June- Early August- Sun, Sun, FOG FOG FOG
August- November- wind, fog, clouds, rain, leaves leaves leaves!

It's ridiculous.I mean Saint John isn't the nicest city, but God could have done a little better when he planned out our weather. Maybe he could have made the Atlantic Ocean Tropical! Or at least so that it didn't cloud our city under fog every day!

well i think i'm going to go now and make some coffee. I've done enough ranting for today.

Friday, November 12

P.S.

Oh by the way, just so you know, my computer is now categorized as shit. It won't let me into my email or my msn, only this. so if you want to talk to me just leave me a comment! lol. I've set it so that anyone can leave one, just click on where it says "0 comments" (or however many there are.) then click "leave comment" or whatever it says. Then leave one, and leave your name, and click "post comment" or whatever.

I'm not too sure what i'm talking about....:S lol.

Thursday, November 11

A Long Time

Wow.
I haven't written in AGES!
I hope all you "readers" of mine weren't just dying to read some more of my pathetic shit.
Well just incase you were i'll fill you in on some of the crap that's happened while my computer was getting fixed.

Ok, hmm. Last time i wrote i wrote about Halloween. Well not even really, just a load of crap which is what usually comes out when i'm hyped-up on caffeine. But i'm not today. soo0oo, my entry will make sense this time, i hope.

Today is remembrance day. Our school had a very nice assembly put together for it yesterday, and for today and tomorrow there is no school.I love how my school always gets so into everything and anything, it makes me feel like when they're saying, "the saint malachy's family" that they mean it. And that i belong because I am a saint, which means i am their family and like it or not family sticks.

Ah, family. Well incase you didn't know i have my first cousin J in my class. i swear, sometimes it seems like we're on opposite sides of the earth. one moment we will be rapping our project in sc humains, laughing our asses off and talking about things that only we know about, and then the next she will be yelling at me or being rude and putting me or my friends and family down in front of others. Maybe she doesn't realize that she does this, but i realize that she's mainly nice to me when she wants someone to talk to. Maybe that's not her fault. I mean i know she has a lot of shit going on, maybe no one to talk to, but then again, she's the only one i go to talk to anymore too. And when she's mad at me, which seems to be often lately, i hold it all in and have nothing.

Sometimes i wish that the borders between boys and girls weren't so harsh. I wish i could be "just friends" with a guy and be really close to them, talk to them about things and go to them for advice, while still being able to joke around with them, hang around, have them beat me up, who cares! I've realized time and time again that boys make better friends then girls. I don't have to deal with them being mad at me for reasons that don't even make sense or with them having "pms" days where they say they aren't mad at you and still treat you like shit.
I recently called my friend Dylan on the phone and we talked for like over an hour with no awkard pauses. It was really great, cause right then that was really what i needed.

I talk to Mat every night on the phone though. but we have a connection in a different way.

Sometimes i wish i could just take everyone i love and care for, throw them in a blender, add some needed things like "start fresh's", "a dash of love", "forgiveness", "a little bit or forgetting" and then swirl it all around with some, "get over it". Afterwards, i'll put us all in a big pan, and cook for as long as it takes, hoping that when i take us out, i'll end up with a bunch of closely-knit friends again, that won't let other people or circumstances come between them.

But im NOT martha stewart. And miracles only happen on thirty-fourth street.

If only they happened in a little city called saint john. On a little cul-de-sac called Piper Court. To a little girl who wants more then anything for all the fighting in her life right now to stop.

(cheesy)

Halfway There...

i'm halfway to obscurity
i'm halfway to the end of me
i'm halfway through the good part of life
i'm halfway there to being a wife
i'm halfway to wrinkles, half way to woes
i'm halfway to children, with dirt on their nose
i'm halfway to long nights, lying awake
i'm halfway to choices i'll have to make
i'm halfway to insanity
i'm halfway to love
i'm halfway to hell
halfway to above
halfway to killing my family
halfway to loving everything around me

Maybe
i'm only have way through life
maybe
i'll die before im thirty nine
hopefully
i never live to see a day
when everyone has gone away
and i'm halfway to
dying alone

Monday, November 1

Halloween

Well, tis the day after Halloween, and things seem more scarier in the light.

Today i've cuffed school to work on a project that's due tomorrow that i haven't even started a bit on. So im in the public library right now writitng this because my computer has like this awful virus and wont even turn on.

Sooo0ooo well as you all know last night was halloween. We spooked it up MilleVille style. I'm not sure what's happened, but maybe i am too old for it. Or maybe Levi was right, "Guys, tonight just feels like a dream. Just everything that's happened doesn't feel like it really happened at all." I think i might agree. Halloween may have lost it's touch with me, lost it's spook and magic. I had a good time, don't get me wrong. Being with my friends, watching them be idiots, seeing thier ridiculous get-ups. Watching them smash pumpkins. It was all fun. Even when we lost Levi i thought that was funny.

But yesterday was just so weird. For no reason me and Nat would be at my house, thinking about Halloween and happy things, being goofy and loud, and then the next moment we were both in hysterical tears, saying we hated the world and everything, everyone. School, holidays, our friends, our families, it seemed as if we were just having breakdowns every few minutes.

Memories are things that come back and haunt you sometimes. Maybe Halloween is a night for haunting memories. Maybe we had a real life encounter with something haunting.

I know for one that whatever paranormal thing was going around last night, it freaked me out. And i felt it's presence.

Well, i hope everyone else enjoyed their happy halloween, and can make sense of some of the bullshit i've been typing today. You never know, maybe if you read between the lines you'll see that it applies to you more then you might think.