Monday, January 14

i'd like to thank my...

it's so hard to believe that i started this blog in grade nine, and now here i sit tonight, writing my grad write-up to go along side my photo in the yearbook. it's so hard to think of the right things to say, the right names to name, the right things to write down so you won't ever forget.

my biggest fear is that i'm travelling through time at an alarming speed and i won't slow down until it's too late.

Wednesday, January 2

trans-canada search

i awoke this morning with the intention of checking my email with hopes of a reply from juicy couture marketing (which i indeed found :). it was afterwards that i began casually scrolling through old blog comments, which forward to my email and sort themselves into their own folder. a lot of them i never read because i knew i would see them on here at one time or another, but one caught my eye for some reason. the sender's id was nanai, the name sounded so familiar, and my heart stopped fast.

inside the email was a birthday wish for me, on my fifteenth birthday, posted on my post "more than a feeling". i had never seen this before, ever. curious, i went back to my inbox and found another comment from her also, this one from "nanai hoshi", asking why i was so sad in another of my posts. these comments are both from 2005 and there have been none since.

background information would probably assist in the matter, so here i go. i grew up moving from city to city and town to town constantly. often times i became confused as to whether my name was katelyn or "new girl" because i was called the latter so often. my childhood memories are filled with random sleepovers and lunch-time hang outs with people who either i can't remember or who i know would never in a million years remember me, their second grade friend for one year.

that's the thing that always hurts me the most probably. when everyone around me begins talking about elementary or how they've all known each other since kindergarten. i wonder if somewhere, some group of kids is reminiscing and someone goes, "oh yeah, remember katelyn was there too? remember, the little blond one? gee, i wonder whatever happened to her..." i wish that with painstaking frequency.

during elementary, i lived in a small village in the mountain region of british columbia, armstrong. it was here that i perhaps felt the most wanted and included in all of my childhood years. it was perhaps surreal, i had many friends, nice friends, there wasn't a lot of childish drama or fighting, no mean girls that picked on me, we had a beautiful house, and my family was still together and happy, and best of all, i had a best friend. her name was nanai hoshi, and i thought she was probably the nicest girl ever.

when i try to bring back old memories, certain aspects fog but i do remember some things for sure. we wrote notes back and forth every day on pink paper. i'm not sure where the pink paper came from, if it was mine or hers, but i know somewhere in one of my storage bins i still have a box with every single note inside. she put butterfly clips in her hair, i remember that much. those little sparkley ones that came in a rainbow of colors. perhaps she gave me some, i'm not sure, or perhaps i was just copying her but i think i still have some somewhere. she also did beasding, tiny little seed beads and she would weave them with fishing line into tiny bracelets or rings. i have one from her, also, in the box if i'm not mistaken. she used to make them for me and i would study them for hours, trying to figure out how she did it. when i finally figured it out and began making my own i don't even think she was mad that i copied. she was just an all around nice person and everyone liked her.

when i moved away, i remember crying. the two of us crying that is. and i remember, we continued to write notes back in forth on pink paper and mail them to each other on almost a weekly basis. getting letters from her was possibly one of the greatest things, who doesn't love getting a letter? and they were always sparkley and pretty and sometimes even with a tiny ring or bracelet inside. we continued our correspondance throughout my stay in calgary, but i think it was when i moved back to new brunswick, to a little tiny house in barnesville, and i began middle school, i think it was then that we lost touch. i remember a phone call, i was sitting on my bed and i remember calling. things may have been different on the phone, maybe it had been too long since last talking, maybe we had changed too much. maybe she had made new friends, i know i had also. but the point is, we lost touch. and perhaps i didn't think of it so much then, didn't mourn the friendship because i was preoccupied. but now looking back, the saddest part of my childhood was letting go of friends. the hardest part was knowing when it was stupid to keep holding on.

seeing these blog comments from over two years ago thus affected me so deeply. to know that someone, somewhere, still thought, whatever happened to katelyn? someone, somewhere, thought to search me online and follow links to find me. knowing that somewhere, childhood memories live on in someone else's mind other than mine gave me hope and a lift that i greatly needed.

nanai, i hope you read this. i have searched for you online and on facebook, and have spent my whole morning digging through old address books trying to find yours. thank you for finding me, and if you never check back here again, the gesture was not lost. but i hope you do and i hope we get the chance to talk and find out where our lives have taken us.

and if anyone is reading this and can think of someway to help locate her, it would be greatly appreciated.

miss lonely

i've come to some conclusions. the first is, if you decide to let fate takes it's course, it will. the second is that it is completely possible to be loved and love in return and still be indecisive. the third is you can be surrounded by the most loving and caring friends in the world, and still feel completely and utterly alone.

that is what this post is about. feeling alone.

actually, i'm not even sure if it's that i feel alone anymore, i think it may be that i feel excluded from some sort of event that everyone else is partaking in.

i'm graduating this year. i'm seventeen. i have the world at my feet, or at least, i did. i feel i threw it all away somehow these past two months and i don't know how to get back on track. i know to start, i need to first ask for help but i am a selfish and secluded person who hates asking for direction.

it's all very frustrating.

yet, at the same time, i disgust myself because i think i like things this way. complete and total disarray. i create situations for myself almost, tearing myself away from people, ruining relationships and friendships, breaking my own heart by my own choices more than anyone else ever has.

so going back to conclusion number one, fate is a bitch. now, i am very scientific in my beliefs and i don't tend to buy into that whole, divine ruler with a master plan for everyone, but i do tend to think that who and what we shall become is embedded in our very bodies when we're born and we don't have much say in it. i like throwing myself into the wind with the point of view that whatever shall happen, will. however, i also know this is a rather romantic way of thinking, and fate is not always merciful. we all get caught up in aspects of life that throw our choices one way or another, and all that i'm caught up in right now is self-pity it seems. then, following self-pity, resentment. resentment of others who are making things work for themselves and seem to be in control of the situation.

i need to get out, and get away, more than anything. just run, and go, and travel, and be free. this is what i need.

but what i got was high school drama, and random relationships with boys i could care less about. i'm afraid of intensity, afraid of passion and afraid to give myself into love to find it isn't returned in it's entirety.

conclusion number two; i get very emotionally attached. i imagine myself the starring actress in a hollywood love-story and every boy i meet is a possible main man. this frame of mind makes it very difficult for me to let go, even when i have already physically moved on, i can't let go of the idea that possibly we were meant to be together. i like the idea of, 'the one'. i like to think that i found mine, but the situations and the circumstances weren't right for things to really prosper. just the whole fact that i spent this summer giving bits and pieces of my heart away to boys i now must face everyday is very depressing. and as they begin to move on and talk to new girls, i get very jealous and upset, even if i'm seeing another guy. and it's simply because i think in my mind, what if they were 'the one'? and.. well, what if they were? then what.

conclusion number three; i am a lonely girl. i'm lonely in the fact that the voice i hear the most is my own, in my head, constantly narrating the pitiful excuse for a life i've been having. and in case you haven't noticed, i'm pretty cynical. so the whole narration thing... it isn't going so well.

i honestly just am fed up with myself. it's like what i aspire for and hope for can't be expressed through this lazy, procrastinating blob that i'm living inside of. i know these things are my own fault but it's disgusting. i'm failing english for crying out loud. what is that. i doubt my teacher would guess, but i happened to be qualified as gifted in english all through middle school and was reading always 2-3 years above my grade level. i scored in the 97th percentile in the country, and now i am failing? all of my marks are terrible! what happened to wanting to be a writer?! what happened to wanting to go to university?

why am i constantly stuck on this lame excuse for a friend, my computer, meddling in other people's lives. why, even when i should be, don't i ever have a good time anymore. why do i drink so much. why do i give myself up so easily. why do i consider myself damaged goods... why do some memories hurt me so. bad. and. deeply. that. it's. like. i'm. gasping. for. breath... ?

i like to think that things are in fate's hands but i know that is my romantic thinking again. the consequences of my choices are my consequences and that's what i have to deal with now. i just need to learn how to stand up and conquer other than cower and hide.

and i need to stop listening to sad music.



i wrote this post on my anonymous blog about three months ago, and i thought it was so beautiful when i went back to read it that i wanted to share.