Bible Story.

When god made man, he made him perfect. He took his time to create with care every detail, every organ, every hair on our bodies. He made it so that the first man had a wife, someone to cherish and love for all of eternity and he made it so that we lived in harmony with all forms of life. We grew our own food, lived off the earth and were happy.

Then a little snake came along. He tempted Eve with fruit from the “forbidden tree” that god had made them promise they would not eat from. And Eve decided that the fruit must be so great if god made them promise not to eat it, that she bought in to the snake/devil’s evil plan. She also convinced Adam to do it too.

As soon as they bit into the apple, they were poisoned with sin. God thus made them imperfect, able to have sins and make mistakes. He said if they would go against him and choose their own decisions, then he would give them the freedom to decide things for themselves.
So Adam and Eve were forced out of their beautiful kingdom, and were given many hardships. They now grew old, endured pain, they did not have god there to help them at all. Now they had to eat animals, have painful childbirth, endure famine and droughts and the weather. Things were far from the perfect that god had created.

Now, more then six thousand years later, we are still given the same choice. The freedom to make our own decisions. The freedom to do most what we want and to make our own mistakes, which we hopefully learn from.

This is how I see it: Eve sinned first. (I always hated her for that.) She gave women a bad rep for being easily tempted. She made it seem like Adam was so damn perfect and her and that little snake corrupted him. But I bet that Adam was off cheating on Eve by screwing their daughter. And then he probably lied a lot to her, probably made it very difficult for her to love him, but then again, who else was there really? Poor Eve, it was like an arranged marriage. I bet Adam picked his nose and forgot to flush the toilet.

Maybe this is how it happened: Eve was off on the mountain talking to god about how awful her and Adam’s marriage was going, how she had caught him with their daughter, how he always got crumbs in the butter and hogged all the blankets. She was probably asking god to make her a new husband, a “streamlined” one, with less body-hair and a bit more of a chin. Maybe a bit more like our modern day “Orlando Bloom.”

While she was up there talking to invisible god, Adam had snuck up behind and heard the whole thing. He was outraged that she could think she was too good for him, god! He was the one who brought in all the damn money! What would she be without him? Nothing, his damn rib cage had created her!

So an infuriated Adam set off to find the devil. They worked out a plan that the devil would take form of this “perfect man” and tempt Eve away by saying god had made what she had wished for. He would then tell her that god’s fruit tree that he had forbid them to eat off, was the fruit tree of “eternalness.” So if she wanted to be eternally with him, Orlando Bloom, she would have to eat the fruit.

Of course she did! Not even looking back once, Eve crossed the line towards the “forbidden tree.” The lure of something new and adventurous was far more exciting then fruity old Adam, who didn’t excite her anymore…if you know what I mean.

And as soon as she bit into it, god and the devil and Adam all laughed at her. Then Adam handed God a crisp twenty and said, “You’re right, women ARE inferior!” They had been betting the whole time that they could make her sin, to thus prove their point that men were better, seeing as they were all men.

Eve then looked to where her “Orlando Bloom” look-a-like had been, but he had vanished. And all that was left in its place was the core of the apple. She was so angry and frustrated with Adam and his antics that she chucked that apple core at him with all of her “womanly” strength. Stupid Adam had had his mouth open too, bitching at her, saying how her daughter was better in bed then she was. The core flew right into his suck-hole of a mouth and was lodged there permanently. Thus the name, Adam’s apple. God and the devil laughed their asses off, doubling over in tears and pointing in Adam’s direction. When god was done and wiped his eyes, he said, “Your woman needs to be controlled a bit more there Adam!” The he laughed again and disappeared. The devil then came forward, speaking to Eve, not Adam, who was still in the background trying to regurgitate that damn apple.

“A deal is a deal, now since you have sinned you must live an eternity of hardship, and so will your daughters, and your daughter’s daughters, and your daughter’s daughter’s daughters… (Etc.)”

And Eve said “Devil, I agree that I have sinned, but since sinning is something you enjoy so much, I’ll make you a deal. You force Adam to live the same life as me, the same hardships for his many generations too, thus proving that man and woman are equal, and I will make sure that a woman sins or makes a big mistake every minute of every day from now until the end of time.”

The devil agreed, and to Adam’s dismay, sent both of them away to the “badlands.” It wasn’t that bad for him though, he still had his daughter, who happened to now have to “sin” quite often…if you know what I mean.

But Eve was for once truly happy. Adam was now just as imperfect as she had been made out to be. But she had a secret that he didn’t know. God, having enjoyed her little apple show so much, had given her something far better then an “Orlando Bloom” look-a-like, he had given her a bigger brain capacity. No one ever has seen true proof that it is there, but trust me it is. Any woman can tell you.

God fool-proofed it by making it undetectable to men. He didn’t want anyone to know that he had “betrayed his kind.” So to this day men still think they are more superior then women. They still think that it is the woman who is weak, she sinned first, she shows emotion more, she doesn’t have that “right-cool apple thing in her throat”, but woman are smarter. We sin a LOT and make a lot of mistakes, but we’re smarter, so we know how to admit when we’re wrong, accept our mistakes and move on. Men don’t have that mental capacity, and I seriously doubt they ever will.

And that’s just the way god made it.