Christmas With The Doyles...Need I Say More?!

It's xmas eve and it couldn't feel less like it. There's no snow on the ground, no anticipation, no family parties. I'm a bit afraid that Christmas every year is going to become like this, and this is only my third so far...Mom's family has always been a bit bizarre, a possible sitcom actually. It's so ridiculous. Right now my Grandmother's out there "attempting" to cook a feast. She always does and never truely suceeds though. I'm a bit afraid to taste it...Mmmm....Hungarian Cuisine....

My Sister and baby cousin Colby are running around the house screaming and breaking things while my Grandfather, wearing a shirt that says, "Bosses are like diapers, always on your ass and full of shit," yells like crazy. His voice is so loud it's just ridiculous. Try to picture him as a crazy hillbilly redneck who lives out in the boonies past Hampton, whose hobbies include hunting, four wheeeling, and drinking. Can't wait to see him later on tonight...:

Then there's my Aunt Karie and my mom sitting at the dining room table reliving childhood stories over a beer and some rum and eggnog. There's xmas music playing very loudly, but i can still hear Liss, Colby and Papa yelling over it. They even set the dog loose and now he's running around chasing the baby.They're all liquored up and yelling and stressed ... and it's only 2:30!!

I'm out here in the livingroom hiding with the laptop and some peanuts watching Farenheit 9/11. I'm spending my xmas eve hating Bush so far. Just to prove how insane this family is, in thier livingroom alone, there's three deer heads mounted on the walls, three partridges, a flying squirel and a rabbit. You should see the downstairs!

But see the funny thing is that I just want Christmas to be over! I even kind of want to go back to school, I miss my class friends. I miss A, M, D and L, who I've hung out with like everyday! This is the first day I haven't, and I'm bored out of my mind!

I'm not even excited for tomorrow, not for the presents, (I know everything i got.) or about going to GB (Mom's finally letting me go.) And I'm only a BIT excited for my and J's plans to ruin xmas dinner, like we ruin every holiday meal.

Seriously, the only thing I'm really excited for is seeing my dad. This morning, while i was eating my toast, I realized that in two months, it will be two years since they had "The Final Fight." I was just filled with this sudden intense feeling of lss. Lot's of times i feel so guilty because I won't call him, or maybe only think about him once or twice. So I'm glad I'm spending Christmas Day with him, and that I'm going to be with that family for xmas dinner, whether we ruin it or not.

But seriously just thinking about it is awful. I forget what living with him or any man is like. I forget what it's all like!! I can never imagine things ever being like they were before.I feel like I'm still counting the days in, instead of counting the days out. It's like, "It's been two years without my dad." instead of, "It's been two years of things getting better." And i say, "It's been almost a month since me and M broke up." instead of, "It's been almost a month without him, and I'm doing fine."

It just seems that times like Christmas make me forget the bad about people and miss them like crazy. Whether I'm missing dad, M, friends and family out West, or just the people I've hung out with every day since the break started.

Xmas with the Doyle's is insane, and it's still only begun. I just wish i had had a bit more time to prepare my act, you know the, "I'm so excited!!" one. I'm going to go now, put on my mask and smile, but xmas doesn't hold anything for me anymore, but thoughts. And most of the time my thoughts are just to much to think about.