Again.

i have writer's block again. so no post today.

Glad To Be Home, For Once.

today was the coldest day i've had to endure so far. well, maybe it wasn't, but it felt like peices of me were falling off into the snow behind me. it felt like my nose was constantly running, like my eyes were hanging out of the sockets and like that area where my ass turns into my legs was on fire.

going to hvhs had been a stupid, random, spur of the moment idea. the only reason i had really gone was because i didn't feel like taking the bus home by myself. the five of us caught the bus at city hall, but we waited for it most of the time inside because stephen eric and ryan wanted to play on the escalators. it was actually quite fun, i even tried running up the down one myself. when the bus finaly came, jessy didn't have a bus pass so she had to use her student id, but thank god the bus driver let us on or i swear, my ass was gonna fall off and die.

i don't even know where the idea to go to hvhs had come from, i wasn't even sure who they really wanted to see there. eric called someone on his cell phone and told them to meet us out front when the bus came by and to get on with us. but when the bus pulled up to the bus stop, they weren't there so we ended up getting off and going inside.

the school smelt funny, no offense all you hvhs'rs but it did. jessy described it as "rat". the smell of rat. when we first went in there were a lot of people but i guess only because they don't really have anywhere to go on thier breaks or lunch hour. we went into the cafeteria, which was really ... confusing. well for me at least. ryan went over to talk to someone he knew, and jessy was talking to her friends, and well everyone was talking to someone. so i talked to ... myself.

jessy and i wanted to explore, but they wouldn't come with us, ryan just kept saying something about a secret bathroom up above the auditorium where we could go if we wanted to "explore", but then again, ryan's a nutcase. eventually they said we were going to barnhill school, reasons unknown, and that we had to go back outside to catch another west bus. some guy and a girl joined our little posse, but the girl didn't talk much. we waited out front for a good twenty minutes for the bus to come, the only one who hadn't come with us was ryan who was in there talking to his breakdancing friends.

when the bus came it was a woman driving. i don't think i've ever seen one of those before! she let me on with my bus pass, but jessy still only had the id, and the bus driver wouldn't let her on! the bus was packed, and everyone else had gotten on ahead of us, so i did the "polite cousin" thing and got off with her. what a bitch that bus driver was!

so, we were alone, at hvhs. not the best place to not know where you're going. it being freezing out and all, we went back inside, in hopes of finding ryan and being able to get a drive home with him. we did find him, standing outside of some "student lounge" thing or whatnot, but he wasn't realy listening to us. so we left to explore.

we found out three things right away. one) it smells like rat everywhere. two) we actually did know people there, when we met up with laura and nicole. and three) hvhs is realy just ... a circle? well i don't know how else to describe it, but everytime we thought we were headed a new direction we always ended up back where we started, or passing the same people multiple times. evetually we gave up our "exploration" and met up with ryan and them back in the cafeteria or whatever that place was.

jessy goes, "there's jordan." and points behind me.

i look, and there not only is jordan, but mat. i know we've been talking lately and everything, but i wasn't prepared for how unbelievably awkward that was. i looked away right fast and was just like, "jessy, it's mat! what do i do?"

"hey mat!" she yells.

he didn't notice, but he did start to walk our way. i thought, if he says hi i'll say hi back ... i guess.

he just randomly turns, sees me and looks completely comfused, but then again i am supposed to be uptown at stm. so yeah, he looks at me and "waves", so i'm polite and wave back. then he dissapears for a while into some room, so i figure he must be awkward about it too, and i breathe a sigh of relief. but then he comes back, with a posse of people and jordan and kyle and some girls, and walks right by me, only nodding.

maybe i'm only imagining things, but to me it really seemed like he couldn't walk by me until he had all his friends. that was ... awkward too because as they walk out the door, kyle turns back to me and says, "hi katelyn."

"hey." (i'm totally weirded out.)

"aren't you going to say hi to mat?" he asks, looking in the direction of the back of mat's head. he's talking pretty loud now by the way.

"i did."

"oh, ok bye!"

weird, weird, weird. jessy just looks at me, her eyes said it all. "that was ... weird," she mumbles.

"you're telling me."

so, they leave, and me and jessy are now just sitting there, bored out of our minds, while ryan talks on and on to these guys. so eventually we tell him we're leaving to go catch a bus home now. except, the school's a "circle" like i told you, and it took us a while to get out.

we walked past mat and his "posse" again on the way out. he just nodded at me, it was a real weird nod. jessy is walking behind me and once we get far enough away i turn to her and she gives me this ... confused ... look and says, "he said hi to me and asked me how i was doing."

"he did?"

"yeah, he was like 'hey you'."

"why would he say hi to you and not me?"

"that's what i was thinking, katelyn, i'm serious. if i were you i'd wanna punch him out. there's no need to be rude to you."

"can we just go?"

so we left, we caught a bus home, the east. it was freezing again waiting for it, and it only even brought me to place 400 where i had to transfer to get home. and then my right bus didn't come so i ended up taking the churchill blvd and having to walk from lime kiln drive.

and when i walked into my door, i was for once really happy to be home. and that's saying a lot because i'm never happy to be home anymore. well then again, i'm home alone right now, so that probably makes it a lot better.

tonight is the open house at pes for the new gr. fives coming in next year and i'm taking lissa. i'm actually kind of excited, it will be like the first time i've gone back since the first day of school. and i'm going back again tomorrow with mike so that he can see everyone too. dylan's going to meet me tonight (hopefully). that should be a good time, i have a feeling we have lots to talk about, plus i really want to get a copy of the school trip dvd.

plus i have to remind mr. gray about that date he promised he'd arrange for me and jeremy way back in gr. eight. he said he'd pay for it and everything, so me and jeremy decided we're going to hold him to it. we'll see what he says.

Much To Say About Nothing

Last night's phone conversation got me thinking about what it is to be nothing. To not exist, not be alive, not know what's going on, to just stop living and be non-existent.

I tried to feel what it was like. I sat there, not moving, barely breathing and barely thinking. The only thing I thought about...was nothing...

Ok well for starters, what color is nothing? It's not black and it's not white. But what color is something that is colorless? Everything has to have a color. But then wait, this isn't an "everything", it's a "nothing", oh yeah.

Well, how big is it? When you're nothing, where will you go? Well, nowhere I guess because you're nothing. But how can something just be nothing? How can questions just be answered like that?

Ex. How big is the Universe?
---It has no beggining and it has no end. It goes on forever.

How old is god?
---He has no beggining and he has no end. He goes on forever.

But...HOW?

The more I got to thinking about nothing, the more I came to realize, you can't think about nothing, because it's nothing. And don't worry about it, because it's nothing.

How is it that minds can be capable of ever truly comprehending the words, "nothing" and "forever"? Why do we invent words that have no definate meaning?

I want, and need, and answer to everything. I want to know what happens to us when we die. I need to know if we become nothing. If the only point to living is living itself, then if you were a good person, in the end is there a reward of some kind?

The thing I'm most afraid of is becoming nothing forever. I know I want to be something, to make some sort of imprint before it's over.

On the path of life, we're all walking together in the sand. Towards the end of your life, the tide comes in and washes away all the footprints, making room for more. In the end of it all, don't you want to be the one whose footprint is so big and defined it can not be washed away? Don't you want to leave some kind of lasting impression?
I'm not going to spend my life being nothing if that's all that's waiting for me in the afterlife. Somethings seem like such big deals, but when you look at the big scheme of things...why, it's only nothing.

Maybe One Day

Kat never liked the snow. She never liked the way it made her cold and wet, or the way it would cause her makeup to run as it flew into her face. She never enjoyed snow men or sliding or even winter for a matter of fact. She never really even enjoyed snow ball fights, unless it it was her throwing them.

So, she spent her boring Sunday inside. Not that it would have been a wise idea to go out anyways. The snow was blowing so fast and so hard across the street it looked like a brick wall was headed thier way. She preferred to spend the day in her pajamas, with no makeup on, lounging around and studying for her exams.

She would have spent it writing, had there not been one little insignificant problem. She had writer's block, yet again. It just seemed that all the words coming into her mind were not good enough, like she had to outdo everything she had done so far in each and every new post. Sometimes she could go weeks without writing anything at all, sometimes only a day or two. But the times that she wasn't writing were the worst times of all.

Maybe for some people writing was just something to do. When listing their hobbies and interests, would they put it down as one? When asked what they desired to be when they grew up, they would not state, "A writer." But to her, it was everything. The one thing that meant more then the publishing companies calling and offering book deals was coming onto her website and seeing the comments left about her work.

This was the one, and maybe for the time being, only way she could reach out to people with her work, and she intended to make every piece inspiring. To send shivers up someone's spine was her desire, to have them want to hear more was what she lived for.

Maybe one day they would realise, when they walked into a bookstore and saw the stack of fresh-off-the-press novels with her name all over them, that this wasn't just her dream. It was the only thing that she intended to see to in her life.

Maybe one day she could look back on her writing from years past and see how much she had improved, but for now it was so tedious, so pain-staking. Yes, the words came to her, the same way they come to everyone. But it was up to her to decifer them, to group them in the right formations, to add to them the meaning in which the people desired.

It was up to her to make her words heard. And if there was one thing she had ever been set on in her existence, this was it now.

Levi, My Friend

Does it make sense?
We're living past-tense
Another day goes by

Truly, can you blame me?
For what I really see
I'm only seeing you for
Who you are

You're not real
You're make-beleive
You're all the wrong in this world

You're un-true
To yourself and me
And I finally understand

The sun goes down
(And I hate you)
The moon frowns
(And I hate you)
I hear the sounds
(I still hate you)
You're all around
And I hate you

Move on it's over
The time has come and gone
You're fifteen minutes are up

You'r not in the spotlight
No one gives a fuck
So shut the hell up.

The sun goes down
(And I hate you)
The moon frowns
(And I hate you)
I hear the sounds
(I still hate you)
You're all around
And I hate you

The sun goes down
(And I hate you)
The moon frowns
(And I hate you)
I hear the sounds
(I still hate you)
You're all around
And I hate you

Where You Are

The year is 2000.

She watches the feilds go passing by out of her left side window. The little burganday mini-van travels along highway one, crossing across the country.

"Are we ever going to come back Mom?" She watched the cars pass them on the freeway. The mini-van was plenty old, and could only go so fast.

"I promise we'll come back. We'll try it out there for four years, and if things don't work out, we'll come home."

The radio played quietly, about the only thing that had never broke on the van yet.

I wanna wake up where you are, I won't say anything at all.

Even now she remember the thoughts going through her head. If only she could wake up the next morning and be where they were. All of the people she had ever known her whole life.

Goo Goo Dolls - Slide

Could you whisper in my ear, the things you wanna feel

I'll give you anything to feel it comin', do you wake up on your own

And wonder where you are, you live with all your faults

I wanna wake up where you are, I won't say anything at all

So why don't you slide, yeah we're gonna let it slide

Don't you love the life you killed, the priest is on the phone

Your father hit the wall, your ma disowned you

Don't suppose I'll ever know, what it means to be a man

Something I can't change, I'll live around it

I wanna wake up where you are, I won't say anything at all

So why don't you slide, yeah we're gonna let it slide

And I'll do anything you ever, dreamed to be complete

Little pieces of the nothing that fall, May put your arms around me

What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful

May do you wanna get married, or run away

And I'll do anything you ever, dreamed to be complete

Little pieces of the nothing that fall, May put your arms around me

What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful

May do you wanna get married, or run away

I wanna wake up where you are, I won't say anything at all.

The Dream Always Starts Out The Same...

She's walking down a beach, wearing a brown polka-dot bikini, carrying a straw bag in one slim, tanned arm and a bottle of sunscreen in the other. A large, floppy pink hat sits atop of her shoulder length brown hair and there and sun freckles on her cheeks. She reaches a large rock, the size of a small house, which is sitting right in the middle of the beach, in the middle of a sea of fine white sand. The sun is just about to set, it's pink rays grabbing ahold of the ocean with one last grasp, trying to stop from slipping beneath the horizon.

She slings the bag over her shoulder, tossing the sunscreen inside, and proceeds to climb her way up the steep side of the rock's surface. Along the way are slight indentations to slide her fingers and toes into and to help pull her up farther. When at last she finally reaches the top, she sits herself down on the flattest section possible, sets down the bag and takes off the hat.

The sun is dying, it's body curling up at the feet of the world and saying it surrenders. She watches, spell-bound, while Kat watched her. She sighs, and pulls out of the bag a diary. It's pages are faded and the cover is torn and faded. As she opens it, she begins to cry. She pages through the pages until she comes to the first blank one. She then proceeds to tear out the page and tear it into hundreds of pieces, before throwing it into the suddenly-present wind. The peices twirl and swirl around her, forming a tornado around her head in the air, before re-assembling themselves into a single, un-torn page. The girl is suddelyn afraid, looking behind her and to her sides. There is no one there, and the page falls to the rock beside her.

This is where the dream changes.

She picks up the page, inhales deeply and turns it over. Written in blue ink, simple handwriting spells out the words, "I can make the sun set." She turns a sickly shade of white, even with the night being dark and the sun-burn on her cheeks and falls over on her side.

The dream ends with the page flying away.

I Just Want You To Know

Kat and Jess had spent tech class fooling around yet again. They accomplished nothing on thier website project, they only managed to screw it up a bit more. Instead they spent the class listening to music online. With Tori doing the air guitar in the background.

Even though the music wasn't that loud, the whole class could hear it. The tin-like beats echoing off the desk.

And I don't want the world to see me, 'Cus I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

Tori's favourite air guitar song.

She walked through the door to her house and was hit with a sudden breeze of smoke. Dad lay on the couch, dead to the world, sleeping off whatever he had had to drink the night before. Lissa, chicken-pox infested, was curled on the couch wrapped up in blankets crying, her face a shade lighter then usual and her pox a tad bigger then before. She motioned for Kat to be quiet as she threw her books down on the floor.

"Why's he sleeping Liss? Isn't he supposed to be babysitting you?" It was easy to act non-chalant about it all. She dared to glance over, and he was there like he always had been.

Again, Liss stuck a little finger up to her lips. "Dad said we have to be quiet." she whispered. "He said he was 'hung-over'. Wanna watch Hulk with me?"

"No."

The window's weren't opened, the house was a mess, and there he slept when he should have been caring for his sick daughter. It seemed so 'familair'. He was there, in real life. Not like the way he had been when he had only been there in objects. But he wasn't. He wasn't there for them anymore. And for once, she realized she didn't care.

"Wanna see my room Dad?" She asked later on. He was throwing his olive green coat over his shoulders, the same one she used to curl up in when they went fishing, the same one that smelt like a mix between moth balls and old spice.

He picked it apart. Right from the pictures of poster boys to the drawings she had done. He called it a disaster, mocked the people on her walls..

The radio was still on from that morning. It was on quite low, but yet she could hear it over him. The tin-like beats echoing off the walls.

And I don't want the world to see me, 'Cus I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

He probably had snooped that day, just like her mother had told her. She had said to hide anything that her Dad might be able to hold against her. Yet Kat didn't. She left just enough out to let her Dad have a good idea of who she was. He picked it apart, but only from habit. He just picked things apart.

Our relationship is something the world wouldn't understand, Kat thought as she locked the door behind him.

"Wanna watch Hulk now Kate?" Liss's stuffy voice drawled from the livingroom. "Dad fell asleep right away when he got here. I even made myself Lunch! Wanna bite? It's real good, I swear..."

She just nodded, cleared the plates and wrappers, and sat down. On the tv a picture of a peice of paper blended into a picture of a lizard.

"It's funny when things turn out to be something else." Melissa said, more to herself then anything. But Kat knew who she was talking about.

It was easy to forget.

Phoenix

"Phoenix, you're on! How many times do I have to tell you this? Pay attention! God! Get out there!"

She scrambled, blushing a final application of rose across her cheekbones, poofing her hair and then examining herself in the full length mirror. She was thinning, slowly yet surely. The eyes that were once so bright and alive were dark and deep, intense. Telling things they should not and she wished she could just cover them, just stop them from divulging her secrets, just stop those eyes. They haunted her, her reflection of what she had become haunting her every night.

"Get out there!" He hissed, and as she ran by he slapped her on the back, a little harder this time then usual. "Remember Phoenix, you are the star of the show!"

The music started, loud, excited, drilling into her mind. Yet it didn't bother her like it had, the music was lost in the pounding of her heart. She was the star of the show, no matter what kind of show, she was the star, and all eyes were on her for once.

"Ashley, where are you going? You get your ass back here! I am your mother, did I tell you you were aloud to walk away from me? Get back here, I'm talking to you! Ashley!"

She slammed the door forcefully, dropping to the ground. If only she wasn't on the third floor. If only she could lock the door. If only there was somewhere to hide.

She could hear her coming up the stairs. "Ashley, godamnit, I'm so fucking tired of your shit! I asked you to fucking clean the house you ungrateful bitch!"

The door flew open. Ashley scrambled to the other side of the room, knocking the rose blush off the vanity in the process. She cowered in the corner as her mother continued to scream, "I hate you Ashley, I try so fucking hard to make things work for us, but I get nothing from you in return! No wonder no one likes you at school, you're pathetic! No wonder you get beat-up! I would beat you up too! You're disgusting! Look at this room, look at you! Ashley, look at yourself! You're fucking sick, you're not beautiful! No one will ever love you! Ashley, listen to me!"

She glanced at the full-length mirror. Years of being beat down and she had started to see what her mother saw. Her nose was a bit off-centre. Her complexion was pasty and pale. Her hair was frizzy and unmanageable. But her eyes, her bright electric blue eyes were that of a star.

"Phoenix!" He hissed from the sidelines. "Get moving!"

She didn't need to look in the mirror anymore, she was fine with herself, and for her mother, she could rot in hell where she belonged. Plastic surgery had rid her of the burn marks, therapy had rid her of the hate, dancing had rid her of the memories. She just had to start small, she could hit the big-time later.

She danced, she flew across that stage and the crowd whispered, Isn't she just marvelous? And out of the ashes flew the phoenix, out of the soot and dirt and reality flew the make-believe creature, flew Phoenix.

Temporarily

"The number you have dialed has been temporarily disconnected ... Le numero que vous-avez appler sont temporairement débranché."

Thought so.

But then again, like it would matter. Kat sighed, slumped into the couch and began to fiddle with her electric-green plastic bracelet that Jessy had given her. How did I know this would match your outfit today? Jess has said. She looked down. Green. Always green. But never green outside where it mattered, never green in the way she craved it to be. And sometimes she wondered if it would ever be green again.

Disconnected. The only link, broken. The only ladder, snapped in two. The only path, paved over. She could call and call and call, but it only said the same thing, "Disconnected." She was disconnected from him now, and sometimes after being disconnected from him it was just so hard to re-connect.

Calling those "reconnect" numbers would only reconnect his phone, but could it reconnect two people, lost in a very small city, searching? Could it reconnect her?

The phone might have just been disconnected, but she'd been disconnected from him for some time.

Mr. Cinderella

Maybe she thought that all guys were prince's. She had grown up her life learning that her prince charming would show up one day on a horse drawn carriage and take her away from her "cinderella" life. They would fall madly in love, and live happily ever after.

Reality-check.

It was time to find her a Mr. Cinderella. Someone who would finally treat her right. Someone who would realize her heart was fragile and not break it. Someone like someone she wasn't looking for, but had found her.

Cinderella looked in the wrong places deperate to find herself true love. Maybe it was staring her down from behind, like eyes baring into her flesh. She could feel it's presence, just was unable to see it. Wasn't able to understand.

She made everything into a love story, in a happily-ever-after. She sometimes made things into something that they weren't, but only because she wanted it so bad. And because she wanted that prince charming, that Mr. Cinderella.

When she lost her slipper, she lost her mind. She lost everything, but they found her. Found her lying on the floor. With a delicate, graceful hand hanging limp at her side. And in it, the other slipper. Her other half.

While it's missing pair slid away in the melting snow.

If It Were Love

Her science teacher explained the laws of gravity.

“…And so if you dropped a piano from an inch higher, it will make a crash noise, right? And if you drop it from the window of Saint Mac’s, it will accelerate and the noise will be louder.”

Kat looked up from her doodles.

“What if you dropped the piano from a four story window?” Chris asked, looking her way.

Most eyes were looking her way now, so she smiled, not knowing what else to do.

“That would make a HUGE impact.” The teacher said.

Yes, thought Kat. Especially if it were love.

Double Cream, No Sugar

It's paint was even more chipped now then before as Kat took it out from the back of the cupboard. It had served what seemed like a life-sentence of not being put to any use. The pink eighties-inspired polka dots were still there on the teal background, the same huge dent missing from where she had dropped it one time going to give him his morning cup. The two large trophies were still there, and the words "World's Greatest Dad."

She turned on the faucet and rinced away the dust, ran it over once or twice with the dishcloth for good measure and set it on the counter. It was eerie, the way it sat there like it had not that long ago, but too long to quite remember. Kat remembered the day she gave him this mug. It was for Father's Day, even though like always, Dad didn't want any presents. But she knew he loved it, even though it was probably only from the local dollar-store. Kat could see herself smiling up at him, grin-bearing, wearing a little short-and-t-shirt set, with her hands behind her back, very proud of herself. He smiled, scooped her up into his arms and said, "Thanks Girlie! Now we have to teach you how to make your Old Man coffee like a real slave!"

The cup faded back to present day. It was older now. Faded, chipped, stained. Just like Dad.

She poured in the coffee, double cream, no sugar, just the way he liked it, and sat down at the desk for another extended session of writting. She drank deep, it had been a long night. And now, un-like before, she was actually able to drink coffee.

She sometimes wondered why he never wanted the little mug. Why he never called the little mug and asked it to do things with him. Why he never offered the little mug a place to stay or to come with him. Why he left the little mug behind.

But at least now it kept her company.

World of Her Own

Kat had sat there so long. Too long maybe. Her back ached in that little arch area right above her ass and right below her shoulders. Her fingers hurt from typing and there was a sweaty indent from her watch on her arm.

There was no one to talk to. Home alone, left with the echoes. Left with the TV on full-blast and the rap music blaring. She was afraid. Not so much of robbers or her neighbors persay, but of things scarier then that. Of the echoes.

She cut herself a piece of cheese. It was sort of sickning at 2:41 in the morning, but relieving in the fact that cheese was familiar. It was also a dairy product, but that is another story.

Comtemplating many things, all except going to bed, Kat decided she was pulling an all-night-er. She got comfortable in the uncomfortable wooden chair. This would be a long night.

Sometimes it seemed like that. Just dragging-on time. Always living for the weekends, then wasting them, then living for the weekends again. It seemed her whole life would be wasted waiting for something she would waste.

And yet she was only a grain of sand in the desert. On a planet far beyond the likes of things we have come to know and understand. She sat at the desk all alone on a Saterday night, while her mom drank and partied and her sister slept on the other side of town and she was still.

And she was, and always has been in a world of her own.

He Turns Her Into A Creature

Kat sat there in complete disarray. She couldn't even comprehend the words coming from him, let alone the thoughts running through her head.

The most common: How dare he?

Kelly Clarkson blasted on the radio. "Since you've been gone, I can breathe for the first time."

She inhaled.

"I'm so moving on, thanks to you, now I get, I get what I want."

She would let it all out. Some day the sun would shine again. She would stand alone in a feild and scream it to the sky. The birds would gather in flocks and fly away, terrified of this "creature".

She exhaled. "Since you've been gone."

She would get over it. In a while it wouldn't be such a big deal. Just some "dirt off her shoulder." Just another year. Just another synopse in this book she would call "Life."

"Since you've been gone."

She could breath. Just not when she talked to him. He rid her of everything human.

The Epitome Of

Sometimes I hate the epitome of the perfect girl. I hate their perfect picket-fence houses and nice brand-name clothes. I hate thier loving families and siblings that they never fight with. I hate thier perfect boyfriends, the epitome of what a boyfriend should be. I hate how they act like thier lives aren't perfect.

I hate things that are the epitome of something. Or things that seem so perfect but you know they aren't. I know so many people that are just the epitome of something spectacular. The epitome of a pretty girl. The epitome of what a guy should be like. The epitome of the perfect mom. The epitome of the perfect life.

I know I will never be the "epitome" of anything. And I don't really think it bothers me. No matter what, I'm middle class, or even below average. I'm just there. I'm that girl who is not really cool, but not quite a loser. She has enough friends, but not too many. You know a bit about her, but not too much. She's just THERE. You don't even think about it anymore. She wears "normal" clothes, has a "normal" life (so you think.) and thinks about "normal" things (so you think.) Maybe I'm only the epitome of average.

But you don't know what goes on in my mind. And if you did maybe you'd look at me with a new light. Through new glasses. Through the right end up the magnifying glass.

I'm larger then life.

WTF?!

Ok, something fishy is going on. For one, I came online and had two new emails, both comments on my blog from becca and joe but neither actually showed up on my blog. And two, the post that I had tried to write and didn't work was suddenly there even though I made it last night, AND there was another one exactly like it except something was different with the ending. Now neither of my comments from those people are there, and GOD I have no idea whats going on.

I just got back from seeing the movie "White Noise". I give it three thumbs up. It has me all freaked out. I came home and the house was deserted with only a note from mom tacked to the wall saying:

Katie,
Gone out with Carl to a party. Lissa went to my friend Linda's house for the night. I'll call ya. Love mom.

This left me thinking. 1) I'm home alone now, and terrified! 2) who the HELL is carl!? and 3) Omg omg omg, there better not be anything freaky going on at 2:30!!

I'm seriuosly freaked out of my MIND. Then I come online to find all this crap. And that leaves me thinking again, WTF!? Ok, Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but the C.I.A. is taking this too far. I mean making my mom and sister leave? Hacking into my blog so now that can force me to write about how much I LOVE Bush or something?! This is ridiculous.

I'm scared.

The C.I.A. Scandel

Tonight, after deciding that it would be a "girl's night", me and Amy walked down to the Plaza to buy some hair dye. While we walked down Tartan Street, we noticed there were four police cars/ambulances/fire cars in front of one of the town houses. We stood for a while to see what was going on and saw two men wearing sunglasses emerge from the house with matching black trenchcoats. My immediate thoughts were...C.I.A. or....M.I.B.

We left rather quickly before they started following us on our "mission" for a better hair color. The walk to the Plaza was long and cold, but it held a treasure at the end of the journey. We found a beautiful shade of brown for Amy's hair, we also found a pretty kick ass pink cellphone shaped arm chair. The price tag either read 4.00$ or 40.00$ or 400.00$, but the writting was too hard to decifer. Thus we had to engage in smooshing our faces against the glass to see better as the store was closed. I see now that that was only an excuse to examine our retinas. The C.I.A. was following us the whole time, even turning off streetlights to make it easier for our assasination.

While we were walking home, it now being quite late and our fingers and toes quite cold, we heard a car go by with people yelling out of it. A few minutes later the car came back and pulled up to the side of the street asking us if we knew how to get to the Aquatic Centre. I thought that was a bit bizarre, the driver, a boy no older then eighteen and his three passengers of the same approximative age, said they were from New York and had heard that the Aquatic Centre was a "pretty rocking place." The first thing I thought when I heard "New York" was "George Bush" and then the thoughts, "Take me to your leader," were close to follow. We chatted for a while, I'm pretty sure the convo went like this:

Driver: So, do you guys live around here?
Us: Yeah, just right up the street.
Driver: Is it a good neighbborhood?
Us: Yeah, it's ok. Once you get farther up that way the houses are really nice and big. But don't go too far that way or they'll get really poor and shabby.
Driver: Yeah, i think we might have gone a bit too far down there, we were like HOLY SHIT, it was like being in the Bronx or something....
Us: Hahah, yeah stay away from there and don't go too far south either. That's not a good place.
Driver: What's bad down there?
Us: Oh, just a bunch of wiggers. All g-united out walking around in da hood with their crack.
Driver: Oh yeah
Driver: So do you guys live in a nice big house?
Us: Haha! No! we live in town houses and apartments right up the street, we're north end!
Driver: Oh, well we're going to go swimming at the Aquatic centre then
Us: Swimming?! It's like late at night! It's only open in the day! like 12-4
Driver: Well that's gay. Ever been to the big apple before?
Us: No! (secretly thinking, "No, wanna take me?!")
Us: well have a good stay! welcome to saint john!
Driver: Ok, thanks for the help.

Ok, I said I'm pretty sure it went like that, I'm not positive.

After we walked away we realized we should have offered to hop in the car with them and drive around to show them around, then we could become thier best friends and go and visit them in New York all the time and summer together in Cali.

But by the time we got back to Tartan Street and noticed that the cop cars were gone, we figured it all out. The C.I.A. is after me for all this trash talking I've been doing about Bush. They're trying to arrest me now, and Amy, my accomplice. Talking to the New Yorker's was only a deverison while they came up behind us and plucked our hairs for testing. And the cops were planting microphones and cameras all over Amy's house while we were gone. I tell ya, we've got this all figured out.

Or maybe our imaginations are just a tad too active on a Friday Night.

T.G.I.F.

Thank God!

I mean it, for a while there I wasn't sure if I was going to make it or not. This week DRAGGED by, dwindling the time until *f*r*i*d*a*y*

And it's Friday. And here I sit.

But thank god. THANK GOD!!!

A whole 2.5 days to myself. I might not put it to the best use as I'm illustrating right now, but thank friggin god.

In Jessy's words, thank JESSUS CHRISTE!! :)

The M-Factor.

I think I’m finally beginning to see a chain of events in my life. It’s been there all along, ongoing; I just never truly noticed it until now.

I’m going to call it the M-Factor. (Moving-Factor) See, this is how things go. I live in one place or go to one school for an allotted period of time, then I move, or change schools. The friends that I made, I try my hardest to keep in touch with, but after a while it becomes too much of a burden and I lose touch. Or the M-Factor “2” comes into affect and me and the friend/s get into a fight and I end up being glad I moved away. Either way, I lose touch.

It’s not even really my fault. I’m not going to blame it completely on the M-Factor, but it’s hard. I know I haven’t really had to deal with it in a while, but it’s still affecting my life.

One month into kindergarten and I switched schools. I can’t even remember what that school was like or what any of my friends were like there or anything. I went to a new school until the beginning of Grade three. Made some friends there that I kept in touch with when I moved to my next school where I would stay a mere six months before moving again. By now I have lost touch with everyone except the people from the school that I had just left. I went to this school nine months before moving cross-country to Grand Bay, N.B. By now I was only still talking to the people from my school before this one. It was so easy to stop sending letters and calling when I had to do it with so many people. I made quite a few new friends at this school that I tried my hardest to keep in touch with and actually succeeded pretty well. I then moved way out into the boonies of Hampton N.B., and started middle school the “new girl”. I made two friends that I tried to keep in touch with when I finally moved to Saint John, but I only managed to stay friends with one of them, the other one and I had a fight. And it was easy to just let that be the end of our friendship because we never saw each other anymore. The other girl and I aren’t even really friends anymore. We had a fight too, and then started talking again and now we talk about once a month and chat online every now and then, but I haven’t seen her since summer.

Now, PES was different. It took so long to make the friends I ended up making that I swore I would never let them just get away like that. I was also unaccustomed to the whole “making friends” thing, I think I had become a bit too reliant on the fact that I would end up moving again before I could make too strong of a bond.

High school started. We all went our separate ways. Things changed.

Now, I talk to one girl who was my friend at PES on a regular basis. I talk to the Hampton girl on occasion, but I wouldn’t say we were tight. I’ve become closer with my cousin now that we’re in the same class, but we’re still family. I’m in the middle of a fight with one of my old friends from PES, and in one with one of my friends from Grand Bay. I don’t talk to two other old friends from PES, and I only talk to one of them every now and then online. One of them is at my school with me and I see her all the time. We didn’t fight or anything, we just don’t make an effort to talk. I’ve made new friends in my class and started hanging out with them a lot. I’m meeting people every day really, but it’s not the same.

Don’t let your friends slip away. Don’t think that they will be there tomorrow, don’t assume. Things could get real rough in the future and you’ll be glad you stayed in touch. I think about it a lot. I’m over the fact that we’re not all friends anymore, but I ponder what I could have done better. I wonder if they’re still like they were.

I wonder if I went back and visited all those people I left behind in elementary, if they would remember me. They wouldn’t, and there’s no sense hoping otherwise. To them I’m nothing but a name, but to me they were my childhood. My first friends. My first crush. My first enemy…

The M-Factor has become the L-Factor. I’m “losing touch” with everyone. Fighting with everyone. I’m striving to be a “better person”. So much for that. I’m striving to make lasting friendships. So much for that. I’m only just beginning now to be able to say “remember when” from years ago. I’m glad I don’t move this much anymore, but then again, just like the fighting and the hard times and the religion and drugs, it was a way of life. It was something about me.

I was the new girl.

Teardrop.

I'm sending out a tear to all of you. A single, glistening tear. To mend your troubles, to soothe your burning heart, to add to your own tears. I'm sending out a tear to everyone wronged. To everyone hurt, to everyone betrayed, everyone broken hearted.

I'm sending out a tear to everyone.

The saltiness will sting at first, like most tears do, but it will heal. Over time we will all heal.

Keep It Clean People!!

" Now, I don't want any "unclean" crap on these website's we're making! Keep it clean people!!! Nothing hateful, dirty, rude or evil! "

" Well then, Guess we CAN'T write about her, damn! "

Oh, Mr. Burtt, how you crack me up. Chris- "What does EVIL mean?" Mr. Burtt- "You know, like being just plain evil!" Chris- "Like DOCTOR EVIL?!" Mr. Burtt- "Soccer's not evil! You're just plain dumb!"

Well... I have detention tomorrow at lunch hour for being late the second day in a row for science. I must be making a REAL good impression on my new science teacher, Mr.Cormier. Oh well, damnit! My New Year's Resolution (part 2) is becoming harder and harder to follow! I just CAN'T pay attention! And even if I do MOST of my work Mr. Nadeau marks it down as "imcomplete".

That's it. I quit school. :)

Cry

Sometimes I cry for reasons unknown. The tears do not make sense, but they are my own.
They fall down my cheeks and into my heart, and hatred is awakened right from the start.
It is easier to hate then to love, It's easier to hope then know when push comes to shove.
It's easier to think that things will be ok, then to ponder what might happen another day.
Tonight something so simple made me completely break down. It left my heart aching and my head spinning round.
Why do things end up like this? Why haven't you called or dropped by since Christmas?
Sometimes it hurts, pain unbeleiveable, to think that thoughts, like this are concievable.
Inside I wonder, inside I cry. Inside sometimes I think of your lies.
And these little tears, hiden from view, as I lean over the stove stirring the stew, They are cried for only one person.
They are cried for you. Because only you can make me feel the way I do.

Anti-Bush Petition.

Today while I was waitting in the market on my lunch break to meet up with Amy, Levi, Dylan and Mike a man approached me to sign the anti-missile petition. When I asked him to explain it he said that it was pretty much anti-bush. He got a bit confusing in the details so I just started nodding and mmm hmm-ing. I signed it of course, being as anti-war and bush as I am, but afterwards I stopped to ponder what I had really signed...

How can a petition being signed by people in a little town of Saint John, in a little province like New Brunswick make any difference on the world's pressing matters? How can my signature change things? America, you screwed us over by voting that asshole back in, now we're fucked for another four years. But no, we're going to try and change things by petitions! See, the thing that bothers me was Canada had no say in it in the first place, but we're stuck being your "neighbors" and going along with what the All-Powerful Bush tells us to.

In the words of Jessy, "The only Bush I trust is my own."

...

If you would like to see what Lindsay REALLY wrote about me, email me at katelyn_andrews@hotmail.com , I tend to save these things :)

Holy...

1000 + visitors! Thank you everyone who ACTUALLY visited my site. I'm so glad I ACTUALLY got so many visitors and didn't have to resort to ADDING THEM ON MYSELF!

Here's to 1000 more of lovley visits :)

The Truth

I know my blog to be the truth. I know everything on this to be truthful. I've never lied or cheated on anything on this, nor will I. And if I had have, how ridiculous would that be?!

Maybe some other people should think about this.

New Year's Movie

Last night I went to the movies with Amy, Levi, Dylan, Mike, Kristina and Allie. It was New Year's Day and by the time we got to the theatre we could tell that about everyone else in Saint John had had the same idea as us, "Why not go to the movies?!" There was nothing else to do I suppose, like the mall was closed and besides that, there's nothing, but this place was PACKED!!

The movie that we had wanted to see, "Darkness", ended up being sold out by the time we got there. And the only other movie playing at that time that we could still get into was "Oceans Twelve", which most of us had no desire to see. So we decided to wait at the theatre from 7:00-9:25 to get into the late show of "Meet The Focker's". We bought our tickets right away to avoid it being sold out again and sat down in the food area for the next two hours.

The minutes TICKED by, god, it took ages! By the time we had bought our food and went up to get our tickets ripped the woman told us that the first showing of it still wasn't out yet! And that we'd have to wait another twenty minutes before we could get in. SO, we waited again. We bought our food and everything and went back up to that pimply movie worker. She finally ripped our tickets and told us to join the LINE-UP that had now formed ALL THE WAY down one hall, around the corner and ALL THE WAY down another right back to the food court! We were at the VERY end, and there was going to be NOW WAY that we would get seats together!

Mike and I decided that the "bright" idea would be to walk all the way to the front of the isle to save seats and when they opened the doors, we'd run through, pushing away everyone else that had waited in line before us. We stood there in front of the line for a good twenty minutes before I started to feel a bit bad. Even though we had waited just as long as those people, they were in line rightfully before us, so my "good samaritan" inside told me to go back to the end of the line where I belonged.

By the time our part of the line reached the doors to get in, there WAS quite a few more people behind us then in front of us and waiting in line wasn't that bad anymore. And when we got in, we even noticed that there was a whole row almost that we could snag.

The movie wasn't bad, It was actually really funny! Even though I've never seen the first one before yet. It made it even better I guess that all those other people were there too, because when everyone laughed, it was louder, and that made it funnier. There was one guy back there who sounded like fucking santa clause or something! But that made me laugh even if it wasn't funny.

Waiting so long for the movie was the only bad part really. I haven't gone to the movies twice in a week in so long. I haven't really enjoyed a movie in a while either... But this one was a good choice, and I heard from people that "Darkness" sucked anyways.

A New Year

...It came so soon. It left so fast. A whole year forgotten. Everything that happened in 2004 is behind us now and is classified as "PAST". I'm glad, I'm glad for a new beggining. I'm glad for a chance to make things work this time. I'm so glad.

Ringing in the New Year with my friends was awesome. Nat says, "The way you spend your New Year's Eve is the way you will spend the rest of the year." I sure hope so. I could spend all of 2005 with them! Tom making kraft dinner, Levi and the ET movie, Dylan dancing like Usher, Natalie decorating the tree with her bra, Amy doing "backflips" with her damn fuzzies! Mike with the gummi bears for Lissa, it was just such a good time. And our count down, like as we counted down from ten, it was like slow motion. Slowly the whole year was fleeting before our eyes, and if we blinked it would be gone.

10, All those fights are over.
9, Dad's Marriage, gone.
8, Dumb choices are past now.
7, Time to make new ones.
6, A New Year to make things right.
5, New friends to add to the old crowd.
4, A new beggining for us.
3, A new school term! (I'm gonna try harder)
2, My New Year's resolution, I'll stick to it.
1, A New Year's Kiss.

Then the count down was over, and nothing was different. I looked over at the clock and it was five minutes into the New Year. People all over the world were celebrating tonight for the same reason, another year. And as I realized that nothing had changed I realized that no matter how many years really go by, things that were meant to be will never change.