Friday, July 18

one more night

lonely summer.
i feel like i've been killing time until i get out of here.
just passing the days, waiting for the one when i wake up and know i'm free.
when i was younger i was always promised things that never were true. i will always remember the time my parents sat me and my sister down and told us we were going to disney land. i was so excited. i made a calendar and counted down the days. as time went on, the plans became less definate and more unsure. eventually they stopped talking about it, i suppose hoping we would forget about it and stop asking. that's how things have always been in my life. exciting, wonderful things promised and then never ever followed through with.
the one time i thought things weren't going to be like that, they turned on me and became a prime example and my great aunt took back her pledge of money for university.
every day brings me closer to university and every day i wake up and wonder, how many more days until things fall through and i get the news that i'm not going?
i don't know if i can take another blow.
my spirit has been so built up and broken down, i'm sick and tired of the setbacks. the promises and big dreams, they're not reality.
reality is this. this day to day waiting for something great to happen. the wasting of my time. the entire summers passing by with nothing accomplished.
i'm working very hard almost every day but i'm having such a hard time saving when theres so many things i must pay for myself and no one helps me. i feel like i live alone. i come home late from work, exhausted and dirty, and all the lights are out and the house is silent. mom is at her boyfriends, again, and liss is at her friends. she seems to live at friend's houses now. and when she isn't out, her and mom are home fighting. they fight all the time and she's always in trouble, yet she gets to do so much more than me and mom goes so out of her way to do things with her.
the only thing i wanted to do this entire summer was go see stars in halifax this weekend. i got myself so excited and made all these elaborate plans in my mind. and then no one could come with me. friends kept cancelling out left and right. now tonight, my selfish mom told me she cant drive and pick me up anymore.
so now i can't even go.
i'm just so sick of this. i want things to work out for me. i want to be happy. i know i sound selfish. i know this entry is very personal. this isn't how i write on this blog normally, this is how i would write in my diary but i can't help it.
i'm exhausted and defeated and i don't know what to do. i work so much and i get walked all over there. i get walked all over at home.
it's been a lonely lonely summer and i want it to be over.
but summer being over brings the scariest of possible dissapointments; if something happens and i can't go to university ... i honestly don't know what i will do. i need to get out of here, for the sake of my sanity.