Christmas, The Un-Ruined Version

Well, Christmas was pretty uneventful, besides the fact that Dad was in a terrific mood! I’m serious, me and Papa went to pick him up and he was humming, dressed in khaki pants with a belt, and get this…a button up shirt! He had shaved, trimmed his beard, AND was not wearing his hat!! It was truly a Christmas Miracle. I think he got laid.

Blah, the drive was boring as always, and I passed it by practicing my arguing techniques. I started two fights before we even pulled into my Grandparent’s house, both on issues related to pollution and none other than George Bush. I’m getting better.

House was hectic as always. Nan recruits me and J and forces us to do hours upon hours of slave labor. I peeled potatoes for what seemed like a millennium, until I had cuts all up and down my freshly manicured fingers. But no, not good enough for Nan, I had left spots! Oh, the indecency of it all!!

I pass the time until the meal annoying family members. Papa said I was FORBIDDEN to drink the sprite that was in the foyer closet, so I did. He had four boxes and wouldn’t let me drink any, but I did. Nan just got annoyed whenever I tasted the food, so I did. It was quite good, except yet again, just like Thanksgiving this year, there was no effort put in. She didn’t get dressed up in all of her “Julie Andrews” finery, not even a piece of jewelry. Papa had on dress pants and a button up and even little Kindergarten Cole had on a flannel shirt, but that’s about the extent of that.

Papa was furious with me, because yet again, I wasn’t dressing like a proper lady. Lady this, lady that. I’ll dress like a “lady” if I damn well feel like it, and besides I didn’t see a damned thing wrong with what I had on. Brand new jeans and a sweater, and I had actually done something with my hair, thanks to my new kick ass straightener, and low and behold…I had makeup on! And if it doesn’t get any worse, Nanny and Papa had bought me a dress for Christmas, along with other things. A big PINK dress, which they forced me to go try on, and show off in front of everyone. Show off what!? The fact that it was two sizes too big, and made for a woman with an enormous ass and double-D boobs!?

To make matters worse, Audrey and Guy had returned after a year of absence. I don’t even think I’m related to these old goons, they’re just plain indescribable. Damn Audrey and her old-lady babble, which I had to live through for about an hour. She says the most random of things. When papa complained about my choice of clothes couture, she said they were sexy. When J said that papa hated her new boyfriend because he had piercings, wore his hat to the side, and had pants that came down too low, she started this whole, “When I was your age…” talk and began to tell us how to play Post Office. Sounded a lot like a pussy version of Seven Minutes in Heaven to me.

Meal was boring, I ate quickly. Since there was eleven of us there for dinner, me and J and Cole had to eat out in the Kitchen. I was rather relieved, at least this way I could eat with big bites and talk about the things I wanted to. Plus I could save myself some embarrassing lectures about not snorting at the table when I laughed, which I couldn’t even help in the first place! Whenever Audrey eats, the old bat gets something on her lip, and she doesn’t even notice! It hangs there sort of for a long time, well at least long enough for me and J to notice. Two years ago, it was quite a large chunk of ham. We still laugh about that one, and have since christened her, Ham-Lip. Original, eh?

I was supposed to spend the night, but I’d had my fill. My dad was leaving early, his friend Neil was coming to pick him up, so I caught a ride home. It was quite funny actually, listening to Dad and Neil sing along to German/Hungarian rock-music. It was even funnier seeing as I knew most of the words. At one point, Dad lent back and patted me on the knee and held onto my hand for a brief second, reasons unknown. But it was comforting, in an indescribable way. I didn’t need comforting, we all assure ourselves that we don’t. But I think sometime everyone needs to hold their parent’s hands again, even if on the sly.

Christmas wasn’t ruined, far from it, although the episode with the matching clothes still burns my grill, and will be discussed on a further date. Me and J had a reasonable time, her making fun of everyone, me falling on my ass every few minutes. It was a bit uncomfortable the way she clings to my dad as she does, but then again, she doesn’t have one, so it was Christmas, and I shared.