The M-Factor.

I think I’m finally beginning to see a chain of events in my life. It’s been there all along, ongoing; I just never truly noticed it until now.

I’m going to call it the M-Factor. (Moving-Factor) See, this is how things go. I live in one place or go to one school for an allotted period of time, then I move, or change schools. The friends that I made, I try my hardest to keep in touch with, but after a while it becomes too much of a burden and I lose touch. Or the M-Factor “2” comes into affect and me and the friend/s get into a fight and I end up being glad I moved away. Either way, I lose touch.

It’s not even really my fault. I’m not going to blame it completely on the M-Factor, but it’s hard. I know I haven’t really had to deal with it in a while, but it’s still affecting my life.

One month into kindergarten and I switched schools. I can’t even remember what that school was like or what any of my friends were like there or anything. I went to a new school until the beginning of Grade three. Made some friends there that I kept in touch with when I moved to my next school where I would stay a mere six months before moving again. By now I have lost touch with everyone except the people from the school that I had just left. I went to this school nine months before moving cross-country to Grand Bay, N.B. By now I was only still talking to the people from my school before this one. It was so easy to stop sending letters and calling when I had to do it with so many people. I made quite a few new friends at this school that I tried my hardest to keep in touch with and actually succeeded pretty well. I then moved way out into the boonies of Hampton N.B., and started middle school the “new girl”. I made two friends that I tried to keep in touch with when I finally moved to Saint John, but I only managed to stay friends with one of them, the other one and I had a fight. And it was easy to just let that be the end of our friendship because we never saw each other anymore. The other girl and I aren’t even really friends anymore. We had a fight too, and then started talking again and now we talk about once a month and chat online every now and then, but I haven’t seen her since summer.

Now, PES was different. It took so long to make the friends I ended up making that I swore I would never let them just get away like that. I was also unaccustomed to the whole “making friends” thing, I think I had become a bit too reliant on the fact that I would end up moving again before I could make too strong of a bond.

High school started. We all went our separate ways. Things changed.

Now, I talk to one girl who was my friend at PES on a regular basis. I talk to the Hampton girl on occasion, but I wouldn’t say we were tight. I’ve become closer with my cousin now that we’re in the same class, but we’re still family. I’m in the middle of a fight with one of my old friends from PES, and in one with one of my friends from Grand Bay. I don’t talk to two other old friends from PES, and I only talk to one of them every now and then online. One of them is at my school with me and I see her all the time. We didn’t fight or anything, we just don’t make an effort to talk. I’ve made new friends in my class and started hanging out with them a lot. I’m meeting people every day really, but it’s not the same.

Don’t let your friends slip away. Don’t think that they will be there tomorrow, don’t assume. Things could get real rough in the future and you’ll be glad you stayed in touch. I think about it a lot. I’m over the fact that we’re not all friends anymore, but I ponder what I could have done better. I wonder if they’re still like they were.

I wonder if I went back and visited all those people I left behind in elementary, if they would remember me. They wouldn’t, and there’s no sense hoping otherwise. To them I’m nothing but a name, but to me they were my childhood. My first friends. My first crush. My first enemy…

The M-Factor has become the L-Factor. I’m “losing touch” with everyone. Fighting with everyone. I’m striving to be a “better person”. So much for that. I’m striving to make lasting friendships. So much for that. I’m only just beginning now to be able to say “remember when” from years ago. I’m glad I don’t move this much anymore, but then again, just like the fighting and the hard times and the religion and drugs, it was a way of life. It was something about me.

I was the new girl.