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If you've ever cried yourself to sleep and woken up smiling.

Question...

Is it better to have something and lose it painfully, or to have never experienced having it at all and spend the rest of your life wondering?

Sometimes I wonder what it's all worth. The fighting and such. Why do we even bother? And why is the only advice I get to talk about it. I'm pretty sure that helps no one in situations like this.

I used to consider myself lucky. I suppose I still do to a degree, but hey, if you're reading this, do you? I know you have all these ideal concepts in your mind. They don't seem to fit the picture anymore, do they?

So instead of taking the message to heart, why don't you just fight with me some more.

And don't start with how it's my fault, cus I'm pretty sure I'm the one attempting.

But don't bother attempting yourself. Don't over exert yourself, wouldn't want to have to get off the couch now would we?

Parents! *rolls eyes.*

the update on kate

*editor's note - please don't ever call me kate again, it just rhymed so i went with it...

hello all! how's it been? long time no talk, i know. seems with school and.. umm homework and ... cleaning my room and... ummmmmm ... ok, i don't have too many great excuses about why i haven't been posting lately. nor do i promise that this will be a good post. it's just that i came across my blog today, and it looked so lonely and sad! no comments, no posts in so long! it was crying to me, crying out! "write in me please katelyn! don't leave me alone again!" (-insert squeeky voice here-). so i just had to oblige.

so, you ask, what have i really been up to all this time?

well faithfull readers, i shall fill you all in...

two weeks ago were midterms, and i did surprisingly well on those! i'm passing all my classes as of now, with the following marks on my last home report;

english - 81
fi math - 84
fi ancient history - 72
hpe - 78
visual arts - 93

woohoo! seems all the work and no... play (aka - blogging) has payed off! except for the fact that there was still some play.. haha.

other than that... mostly family dumb stuff. mom has a new boyfriend, jason, who has been hanging around a lot lately.

he's quite the weird kid. but if i were to pick between him and the b-word i suppose i would pick him, but it's not much of a selection, that much is gaurenteed. it's like, with jason, he is so scared that i wont like him or something, that he is constantly trying to be this insanely happy likeable guy, even when it's completely obvious he isn't. not to mention the fact that he has three daughters, 2, 6 and 9, the middle of which stepped on my toe and called me a skank... oh yea, did i forget to mention that they're complete brats!?

and then there is xmas. which is fastly approaching. with it comes the terribly cold weather and the winter depression or whatever you would like to call it. you know what i'm taking about. that terrible sick-but-not-quite-sick-i-hate-school-and-don't-want-to-go-today-or-get-out-of-bed feeling. well, it got hold of me, for quite a bit, during my summer-to-winter transition. but after a morning home playing video games with my dad and the first bit of snow, i was fine. which is good, because i was starting to wonder!

so yes, xmas is very soon. and i need to start buying frigging christmas presents! for myself, of course :).

anyhow, this was a quick entry between homework assignments and loads of laundry. i'm hoping to start writing at least four times a week again... stay tuned!

xox

it's not that i hate you, i just forget

I know I won't always remember,
But please don't let me forget
Every day we spend apart,
Softly easing tendered hearts
Burning hate like cigarettes.

And don't forget my smile,
As you sit and blanky stare
Because I can't forget the way,
Your smile seemed to say
And promise you'd be there.

Remember the time we made the dolls?
Yea, unfortunately neither do I
Pipe cleaners and looseleaf sheets,
Mix in with nostalgic heartbeats
Why don't you ever try?

I know I won't always remember,
But I don't want to wait and see
My memories; slowly fading,
Thoughts; dissintegrating
Broken hearts left out to bleed.

&

The closure only comes to her at the price of many tears.

prayers for trudy

"Poor soul," Dad mumbled, slamming on the breaks quickly. Outside my passenger side window, there is a woman standing on the side of the road with her thumb sticking defiantly out in the air. She is freezing, by the looks of her. Obviously been standing there a long time, clutching proudly onto her ragged purse and 4-pack of coolers.

My instant thoughts; Ew Dad, please don't let that crack whore into the car... But I held my tongue. Dad knows what it feels like, having once sold everything and hitchhiking from here to Mexico and back with nothing but his guitar. He feels for the people like this, wearing their dirty layers of clothing and freezing in the harsh weather, hoping and praying that someone driving by would actually look at them instead of looking past. Begging someone silently to pull over.

She ran over to the jeep, as if terrified we were only kidding and would soon drive away. With a smile the size of the sun, she opened the passenger door and hopped right on in.

"You kind angels! You have no idea how long I have been standing out there, Oh thank you so much! Blessed souls, you are!"

She was rambling. Drunk; it was obvious. But something about her seemed to instantly change the atmosphere of the car. Dad asked her where she was off to and she rambled a bit more before telling us she was headed to a motel on the west side.

I quickly realized this woman was going to talk the whole way. It first began by asked Melissa and I how old we were and then by saying how well our Father, Pops she called him, had brought us up. (Little did she know this was the first time we had seen him in over a month, but in her eyes she saw only a happy family.)

Then began Trudy's stories of men. "How old are you again my dear?" she asked as she leaned forward in her seat to be closer to me. Her hair was dirty, a kind of yellow-y blonde, and her face held many wrinkles, both laughlines and stresslines. She reached out a frail wrinkly hand and patted my shoulder delicately. It was obvious she was a lot younger than she appeared. You could tell it in her eyes, so blue, so bright and young and friendly. At any other time, I think I would have felt pity for her, But instead at this moment I felt like I wanted to know everything about her. Her story, shall we say.

"Fifteen," I replied, smiling largely to try and show a bit of hospitality.

"Oh my," she smiled, and shook her head. "Oh my Pops, oh my!" Then leaning back into me, she whispered, "you stay away from those men my dear. They are nothing but heartbreak. I guarantee you, I would not be in the predicament that I am in now if I had not fallen for the wrong man. You watch yourself, many men will come and go, you make sure you find the right one."

She then began talking out loud again. "I lost over a half a million dollars and my house for falling for the wrong man. He broke my heart, and left me alone in this state." It was back to rambling again then, her eyes quickly glazed over as if hit by nostalgia. "I used to be a model, you know?" she whispered, before turning to my sister. "You would never guess now though, look at me!I'm nothing more then an old bag lady, but you," -she leaned over and looked into Melissa's eyes- "you are a beauty my doll. You are young and fearless. Be careful! Don't make the same mistakes I did. Please, don't make the same mistakes I did."

We were silent for a moment before she began talking to Dad. "I really truly want to thank you for helping me out. I can't even begin-"

Dad cut her off. "Don't even worry about it, anything to help out a fellow human being." He smiled back at her and offered her a cigarette which she took kindly.

"And never start smoking!" She laughed at herself, a raspy smoker's laugh. "It shall be the death of me before the poverty, I assure you that much."

When we reached Trudy's destination, Dad pulled over and got out to open her door for her. Before leaving though, she thanked each one of us over and over again.

"Well, I am sure grateful for meeting you people today, you have no idea how much you have helped me out today, on a wickedly cold day as well! Goodbye darling," she said to Melissa. "Don't forget to be anything you want to be, never let anyone tell you that you can't do something."

She then turned to me and reached out for my hand in hers, as a sort of goodbye-shake. "It was a pleasure to meet you," she stated, with as much regalty as could be expected. "You're going to turn out to be a fine young woman, I can tell that much, you watch yourself though child, don't let the wicked ways of the world screw you over."

She laughed again her raspy cackle, and stepped out of the car. Dad went to close the door before she turned back and smiled at us both, before blowing a kiss.

"Goodbye darlings, and don't forget to pray for me. Pray for Trudy dears!"

And although I can solemnly admit, no matter how terrible it sounds that I have rarely ever prayed before, I knew Trudy would be in my prayers tonight. She was so life-like, so real and friendly that my heart ached a little as I watched her slowly walk up to the Motel doors. Why couldn't everyone help the Trudy's of the world? Doesn't everyone deserve a little support every now and then? It could just as soon be one of us standing on the side of the road, begging silently for some kind strangers.

Dad got back into the driver's seat and mumbled "poor soul," again before pulling away. I know to him that this is an ordinary day event. He meets so many people like that, it doesn't quite faze him the same way as I could tell it did to me and Liss.

So Trudy, I want to thank you. You inspired me today and put a brighter outlook on a lot of things. And tonight, you will be in my prayers.

"Where'd all the good people go

I've been changin channels

I dont see them on the tv shows

Where'd all the good people go

We got heaps and heaps of what we sow"

-Jack Johnson, Good People

i hope you see the sunset where you are and think of me

"I'm going away here soon," he put in casually, as he flicked on his blinker and turned onto the quiet road.

"Oh?" Trying hard to subdue the surprise in her voice, the young girl on the passenger side turned towards him with fake mild interest.

"Yeah.. Fort MacMurray. Just for a bit, to work of course. Should be home by around Next Winter." He slowed his driving as he turned another corner. The river was starting to take shape in the impending foreground. Rays of the dying sun dashed thier way across it's delicate surface, dancing in the light and distracting her eyes from his troubled face.

"Winter as in.. around a year from now?"

He smiled unsurely. "Yeah, that Winter."

Silence draped in around them both in the proceeding moments as they crossed the final stretch before the beach area. She fumbled for words while he fumbled with the radio dials and still niether uttered a word as the jeep drove to a halt.

The picturesque beach before them was desserted. Merely bushes and sand covered it's shores.

The girl remembered back to when they used to come swimming here. She would dive in, unsure if whether she could swim back to the surface again or not, (for mere lack of swimming capabilities) simply to try and impress him. Sometimes when she emerged from the water's surface, leeches would cling to her skin and he would be forced to first laugh at her as she ran around screaming, then to remove them with a steady hand and a bic lighter.

He remembered coming here as a child with his own father. They'd carry the canoe over thier heads down to the shore, load in thier lunch and fishing poles and spend the whole afternoon in search of the best catch, sometimes long into the night as well.

He took the key out of the ignition and opened the driver's door with ease, while she sat unmoving in her seat. A quick glance in the rearview mirror told her he was unloading beach chairs and a cooler out of the trunk.

"You coming down to watch the sunset then?" He called through the opened hatchback, the first words he'd spoken in a good ten minutes.

Unbuckling her seatbelt with new-found bravery, she stumbled out of the jeep, taking a deep breath and following her father down onto the river's shore.

He plunked himself down into a chair and motioned for her to do the same. Cracking open a can of gingerale, he handed an ice cold one in her direction as well. She stumbled and flopped into the canvas collapsing chair, took the gingerale from his hand and took a long drink.

In front of them the scene played slowly. Ducks swam gently, breaking the water and leaving a trail of golden ripples behind them. Crickets sang in the bushes at her side and the wind blew a sweetly warm breeze across her face.

"So... You're leaving then?"

He stared straight ahead instead of catching her eye the way she wished he would. She wanted to see if she could gather anything from his eyes. His eyes always told it all, so much like her own. Instead, he gazed decidedly into the distance for quite some time before answering.

"You know I don't want to. It has to be done."

"But why?" She blurted out before she could stop herself. "Why do you have to go so far away to work?"

He looked thoughtful and took another drink before turning her way. "The money," he said simply.

"The money? Since when did money matter to you Dad?"

"Since I was sued by your Mother." Immediately he turned apoligetically her way and smiled weakly. "You know if I don't pay they'll send me to jail... it have to do this, i'm not really given a choice."

"I dont want you to leave though," she begged him, begging the tears to hold themselves back too. "She doesn't understand me like you do. No one does. I know we don't talk so much anymore..." -she began- "But I still need you now more then ever Dad."

He put a strong, reassuring hand onto her delicate arm. "I know. We can talk on the phone whenever you want."

"It's not the same."

"Nothing's been the same for a long time now Dear. We need to learn to adapt ourselves to the current situation. I promise you, things will be fine."

"How can you promise me that? You can't even promise me a definite time to see me anymore. How can you promise me things will be ok?"

"I can't promise you that anymore now. I know that. All I can promise is that I'll always be here."

She rolled her eyes to the water when she was sure he couldn't see. "I need you to be here too."

A thousand things ran through her head as the wind blew through her shoulder length tangled hair. Her family was already so divided... She barely felt like she had a real one anymore. How could he just pack up and leave.. How could her mother just decide that she needed his money and force him to do that? How could he leave his family like that? How could she seperate her children from thier Father?

How could they sit there and watch the sunset and drink gingerale and ignore the fact that he was being forced to move away to work harsh hours for the Army in a place as foreign to him as another country while not being able to see the children he was working to pay for and having no one there for him?

A tear fell onto her arm and awoke her from her thoughts. She tugged her other arm out from under his warm hand and wiped her eyes in one quick movement.

"I'm getting cold now.. Do you think we could go home soon?"

Her dad looked a bit hurt and confused. "But, we didn't see the sunset yet."

She turned her back to him as she folded up the beach chair and tossed her pop can into the bush. "I'm not really in a sunset mood anymore."

Driving home she thought long and hard to herself and concluded she would never be in the sunset mood again.

presenting...

My new friend!

Isnt he just the cutest thing?

So this is my new pet, Wedding McFishter. He's a pretty cool guy, I have to say. He works parttime entertaining guests at Kale's dad's wedding, and this dude knows where it's at! You should see him boogy down, the sons got moves!

(Anyhow...)

Last night was the wedding. It was quite the good time! Partying it up with Amy Bruce and Kale, and of course Wedding (who I'm not quite sure is a boy or a girl yet...) But, while we were having all of our fun.. we were missing out on the grand ole Western Themed Saint Macs dance! (which I heard was quite amazing too!)

So being the great friend and entertainer he is, Wedding decided to cheer me up a bit last night...

Yeehaw!

It worked! And of course, there's always the next dance! Weddings only happen every now and then!

So, now that I was feeling better about missing it, there was only one problem!

Wedding won't eat!

I'm sure he had a ton of wedding cake last night.. so he might just still be stuffed. But no matter what I give to him; tuna, spinach, broccoli, radish, corn on the cob, he doesn't seem to want to eat it!

Mmm des bananes!

Alright, so I wasn't actually feeding the poor thing all that stuff. I was feeding him Chinese Fighting Fish food. I figured if I start him out on a good diet now.. we will have him into heavyweight wrestling in no time!

(Or pilates, eh chantal! :)
So anyhow.. I'm just spending my day here with my cool friend Wedding. You Know, chilling and such. Pretty Kickass day if you ask me eh!

*Editors Note: Please someone help me... I 'm so bored I'm making up alter egos for my pets!

an apple a day will get you an a

Well, if you're a total suck up.

Today was my first day back at Saint Macs, and woaaahhh. I swear, it was like Extreme Home Makeover came in an pimped our school. Seriously, the expansion is amazing. If you haven't seen it yet, make sure to get in there!

I had the most amazing day too. I can't remember why I was even the tiniest bit nervous anymore... Once I got back there and into the school it felt as if I hadn't even left for the summer. Like summer had never even happened... Well, except for the fact that it did.

My new homeroom teacher turned out to be my last year's Music teacher, who I couldn't stand then, and still can't now. For some weird reason, this year they have him teaching English... Which makes no sense at all so I might try transferring English classes.

Second period is Math with Mme. Pelletier. (A different one then the one I had in grade seven and totally and completely hated.) She seems alright I guess. Besides the fact that she has the desks set up in the most retarded way, with a huge empty space in the middle even though the class is packed to the max and seeing as it is a Math class, she needs the boards more then the middle of the class. So it's all cramped and stuffy and annoying and makes me frustrated because no matter which way I looked I couldn't quite see the board right.

Third period is Gym/Health with Mr King, which actually turned out to be quite the cool class seeing as he's a complete riot. Also, for the Health part of the class, he said if we continued to be a good class like we'd been today and cooperative then he would simply email all of our notes to us instead of making us copy them out. Which is an amazing idea if you ask me!

After Lunch, my fourth period is Social Studies with M. Dauphinee, (Some new teacher). I don't think I got onto his good side already though... Tori and I decided we would use his holepunch to put key-chain holes into our bus passes, and he wasn't even there to ask so we didn't think it was a big deal. But then he came in and started flipping out saying how we have to ask to use his equipment and all that jazz. And then he moved us all so we sit alphabetically. (Grr!) And me and Emilee were sitting there like whispering about something and he came over to our side of the class so we instantly changed into French and I didn't think he had heard but He's like "Talk French in this class, or get out." So I suppose we'll have to see how the relationship improves with dear M. Dauphinee and moi...

Last period of the day I have Visual Arts in one of the nice new Art rooms with Miss Crawford. That's probably going to end up being my favorite class. We're going to do pottery this year because with the expansion, the Art rooms got a new Klin room and pottery wheels and all that. She seems really new and like a fresh face (She only came to STM this year.) so I'm kind of excited to see what Art turns into this year.

I'm pretty determined to get things right this year. I want to see if I can do it all. Classes, extra curriculars, social life, plus maintain good grades for the year. (<-Probably going to be the hardest part.) I think if I keep my mind focused I can do it, actually no, I know I can do it. But then again, seems I'm the one who always has trouble focusing her mind.
Anyhow.

Hope you all had just as great of a first day as I did!

x0x

once in a lifetime

Black is her mask. It's her shadow and her darkness. Black's her composure in times of danger.

She doesn't wish for the rainbows or the sunny days anymore. She acts like she doesn't care about the flowers or the butterflys. She thrives off misery... Lives for the cold and the harsh Winter weather. Enjoys the sadness that hushes Earth.

Not yet three years ago, she was alive. And wild and happy and beautiful in the fact that she appreciated little things and cared about everyone. Now they whisper, in soft voices, Why does she always wear black?

To which the doves reply, Always, of course.

And she flys over the World at night, draping her long, black cloak and singing a song of sorrow only those with happiness may hear.

To which the people think aloud, How is she still so beautiful?

And the pigeons reply, Always, no doubt. For in trying to subdue herself and in trying to disappear from the light into a world of darkness and shadows, she merely covered it all in black blackness.

And even though her eyes are made of the blackest matter possible, there is a tiny hint of light to them that you may only glimpse once in a lifetime.

When you make her smile.