with more hate and hurt then before

I hate you for what you did to me.

That's the first time I've admitted that. I knew I 'hated' you, I knew I despised you, and wished the worst upon you, but I could never find the words.

Someone told me that I keep everything in to the point of explosion. I know I do. I just want to cover up my sadness with a mask of smiles. I want people to look at me and think that I am happy and having a good time. I don't like being the type to mope or make a fuss. I think that if I go out and party or get drunk or have a good time, that my momentary happiness will be better than my overall misery.

Back to hating you...

You changed everything. You know that, right? I trusted you. I let myself trust a male, for the first time, seriously, in a long time. And you betrayed my trust... And you made me feel the fool.

And I covered the pain by acting like it didn't bother me. And I went out and met new and more exciting boys to get you out of my head. Which only lead to more problems as I've found out boys can. And now I'm back to square one, with more hate and hurt then before.

I don't think I can ever trust a guy again. I can't believe them when they tell me I mean something to them. I won't listen when they say they care about me. Or that they think there could be a relationship between us.

I know it wasn't that long ago, but it feels like forever.

I'm trying. I'm trying ok, to let it all out. This is my feeble attempt.

I can't think about you without crying. And I can't hear your name without having my breath catch in my throat.

You hurt me far worse then you can imagine. Far worse then I thought it was possible to hurt me.

And you moved on, and left my broken self lying here. And my idea of moving on is forgetting about it. That's all I know how to do. When people just walk out of my life, I try to forget about them. To tell myself that I didn't need them anyways. I've done it before...

I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to talk about you. Or any other guy that I've felt something for this summer.

I tried. But I can't let go. And I can't move on. All I can do is what I'm doing. No matter how many people I hurt in the process. It's the only way I know how to rid myself of this feeling. This hate that's taken over and spread.

I'm sorry. But I hate you more now then I did a week ago, and in a weeks time, I will hate you double what I hate you now.