one little candle

Grasping my newest John Grisham and freshly updated iPod, I head for the bathroom in search of a long hot bubbly escape.

I run the water, cooler than usual, avoiding my cuts and scrapes. I lock the door, wanting no disturbances, which in my household is a rare feat in itself.

I drown out the world, drown out my thoughts, immerse myself into somewhere else entirely. I know it only works for the moment, like alcohol or toxins, but in the moment, everything is fine and I am ok...

A knock at the door. I sigh, take off the headphones and wrap the towel around me tight.

"What do you want?" I demand into the face of my mother.

"Why did you lock the door? You never lock the door. Is everything alright? How are we supposed to get in to use the bathroom?"

"You're not."

"What's wrong? You look upset. Are you sure nothings wrong?"

"Nothings wrong."

"Well then why did you lock the door?"

"Damnit mom, I just want to be left alone for like a half an hour! Can I do that? Please! I stayed home and cleaned all damn day for you and now I have to stay home again tomorrow to babysit for you, can't I just have a half hour in the tub?"

"Stop acting so annoyed with me Katelyn, I'm being reasonable here, you're the one acting out of control."

"Of course I'm out of control! Get out and leave me alone! Half hour, that's all I'm asking! Get the hell out mom!"

I slam the door in her face.

Knock.

"What?!" I yell, yanking it open.

"Did you eat today?"

"Yes mom! I ate today! I'm fine alright! Leave me alone!"

"You don't look fine."

"I'm fine!" I yell, pushing her out. "Go the hell away, I don't want any phone calls, I don't want anyone in here, just leave me the hell alone for once!"

She turns and looks at me funny. "You're pale as a ghost and your pupils are huge."

"Mom! Frig I'm upset because no one will leave me the hell alone!"

She ignores me. "You're not telling me everything. Are you on drugs? Are you stoned?" She peers into my eyes. "You've been smoking weed, haven't you?"

"Get out!" I slam the door again, locking it and ignoring her persistent knocks entirely. "I'm not some fucking drug addict mom," I yell. "But I'm going to end up one if you don't leave me alone!"

A simple half hour of quiet. In a house of three, two, discluding me, it shouldn't be so hard. I can't take this anymore... Even when I am alone there is no quiet, there is no rest from the constant rush of thought.

Why do things work out this way? Why, no matter how much I 'ponder' do things seem to make sense? Although, what am I expecting? Some sort of newsflash while soaking in the tub? The answer to all my problems to be spelled out in the soap duds?

A single candle lights my room as I sit here, alone. The flame is so peaceful, so solitary, so strong and sure of itself, wavering only for a moment before righting itself again.

I wish I were a flame. A bit more bright. A bit more radiant. A bit stronger and a bit more sure of myself.

My mom was right. I'm not telling her everything. I'm not telling anyone everything.

I'm concealing it all to myself like my solitary candle, burning for my eyes only in the dark of the shadow.