Once Bitten, Twice Shy

When I was younger, around 4 years old, my mom and dad started the trusted 'no-smoking' routine, branding into my brain that smoking was bad and would kill me if I ever tried it. Every time they lit up a cigarette, they would look over to me and again say how bad smoking was while inhaling deeply like it was the very air they lived on.

I think it was hard to understand this type of teaching. If you're supposed to practice what you preach then telling me not to ever try smoking while lighting one up yourself is not the way to go.

I came to my own decision over the years that to know if smoking was truly bad or not, I would have to try it for myself. I would have to light one up, just like my parents, inhale and suck in the smoke, then blow it all out to understand why smoking was so truly terrible in the first place.

When I did try it, one day down at the 'falls' with Jess, we came to the conclusion that smoking made you sick and your tongue taste like pennies. Of course, I would never share this information with my mom, so as not to let on that she had been right all along. It was like my own realization that what she had been telling me was for my own good.

The same thing occurred when my dad told me not to touch the stove because I would burn my hand. He would repeatedly tell me this every time he turned on the stove, telling me again when he was finished cooking, and warn me again if I even took so much as one step towards it. I guess I grew tired of his constant warnings, and decided that it couldn't be that bad, because I distinctly remember placing my whole hand onto the burner and screaming out in pain. What ensued was a blistering burn and a lengthy lecture from my dad about how parents were always right.

And the same thing happened again on my fourth birthday. After the huge mess of a surprise party that my parents had tried in vain to throw me, we had gone for a walk in the nature park to ease mom's nerves, who was eight months pregnant witht my sister. As I raced down the gravel path towards the playground, my parents cried warnings of "go slow" and "stop running", but I paid no attention. Before I knew it, I was flat on my face screaming my little heart out because a huge chunk of my knee was now not where it was supposed to be. Mom had to carry me all the way back to the car while dad ran ahead to see if there was any bandages in the office. I think the whole next 6 months was filled with now continuous warnings of not to run because, "Remember what happened last time you did that!"

Actually, now that I think about it, the same thing has been happening on a regular basis my whole life... It happened when my babysitter told me not to kick that log because there was a bees nest in it. It happened when my Uncle told me that DD7 was a stain remover, not a toothpaste, but I just had to try it out before I would believe him. (That was a bit hard to explain to poison control...)

It seems like all my life people constantly try to warn me against things for my own good, but I have the hardest time actually listening to them. I have to try things on my own before I can reach that conclusion. I suppose it's hard for me to comprehend that people might possibly know more about something then me. There are times when I seriously think I know everything.

And even though I do know this; my tendency to not listen nor co-operate, I continue doing so. (I think it has to do with the fact that I'm a Taurus, a stubborn bull. Well, that's what I like to blame it on.)

I'm warning you now people, don't even attempt to try and warn me about things. I am stubborn. I am a know-it-all, and I can be a freaking bitch when I have my mind set to doing something.

No matter how much I seem to be warned about not doing something, or not trying something, I know in the back of my head I will anyways. Because I need to come to my own conclusions and realizations in life. Because I need to figure things out for myself. And although I always end up in some sticky situations, I suppose maybe it's better to be once bitten and twice shy then never knowing at all and always being a bit curious in the back of your head...

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Anyhow.

Enough rambling on for today.

I leave tomorrow at 8:00 for a long weekend of camping in northern New Brunswick. Gonna be a blast eh? (And I say that with the most possible hint of sarcasm.) Three days of 'roughing it' in a four-man tent with my mom, my sister and my mom's fucking boyfriend, who alone needs a six-man. And my iPod only has a 12 hour life battery.

I'm going to die.

But if anything, I will accomplish quite a bit of writing. I'm packing a notebook and plenty of funky pens, so I will try my hardest to deliver some a-quality material, if not a+.

Anyhow. I'm out. I tried my hardest to write that meager attempt up there.^ Don't criticize it too harshly, as you know, it's been a while...

Cool

It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool
I know we're cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown, oh
We have changed but we're still the same

After all that we've been through
I know we're cool
I know we're cool
Yeah, I know we're cool

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool
- Gwen Stefani - Cool.

If You Can Hold On, If You Can Hold On, Hold On.

The kleenex can't wipe away my tears anymore. You reach a point where you stop, look at yourself, and ask why you keep putting yourself into these types of messes. You reach a point when it feels like you can't go on knowing what you know.

You reach a point when you give up hope because no one else hopes or dreams for the same things as you anymore.

You reach a point where it feels like you've given up. Then you stop, look at yourself, and realize you have.

It's so easy to give up and give in, it's holding on that takes the strength. It feels like you're hanging, by one finger, on the monkey bars, and if you let go you'll fall into a pool of alligators. You must hold on, yet your finger is slowly slipping, slowly turning blue, slowly becoming exhausted. You cry out for someone to help you, someone to grab onto your hand and pull you up into safety, but it seems they are immune to your tears. If anything, they only seem to smirk more as they attempt to ignore you.

My finger is losing hope, as am I. It seems so easy to give in, I must fight the urge. I know I am stronger then this, I know there is a fire inside. I know there is strength in my poor little finger, it just hasn't shown it yet.

I can hold on, I won't give up. I have determination and stamina. I have willpower and more then anything, I have hope.

Gone, Going. Gone, Everything's Gone, Give A Damn.

Well, the school year is over, and I have never been happier about anything. I mean, don't get me wrong, I had a blast this year. I met new people (both good and bad) and I truly enjoyed my first year of high school. But I really think that all year long all anyone is really looking forward to is summer.

I've started a new project where I'm going to be writing a short story during my spare time this summer. You can also find the link above the tagboard I think on the right hand side.

And... If things work out as planned, maybe this blog won't be the only place you'll be seeing my writing from now on... But I'm not going to say anything further so as not to jinx it!

Wish me luck on my endeavors anyhow.

And the best of luck to all of you this summer in whatever you do! I'll have a lot more time on my hands now, so expect more posts, haha. I was starting to get quite lazy there eh?

Everyone's Changing And I Don't Feel The Same

"Did anyone call for me?" I ask as I turn to lock the door behind myself. I ask the same question every time I come home. It's like a routine. Come in, take off shoes, say hi and ask if anyone's called, then go to my room.

Routine is assuring. It is constantly there, always the same, and comforting in the fact that you follow it. Things are always reassuring when they stay monotonous. Sometimes it may get bland, but it is familiar. You become so used to things the way that they are, no matter how hectic or dull or confusing, and then it all changes one day and your world falls to pieces.

Sometimes it's hard not to make the assumption that all good things never end. But in truth, they do end, and they always end, and it's always difficult no matter how hard we try to get back to routine.

I was sitting here writing this earlier when all of a sudden I heard a faint popping noise and then I was surrounded by complete darkness. My orange paper lantern had burnt out. I use it every night as light to read or watch t.v. by, but never once, since I bought it last Christmas, had I really thought of it burning out. I sat there for a second before hopping out of bed and over to my desk. I removed the bulb from my other lamp and screwed it into place in my lantern. I flicked the switch and light returned to the room, but it was a duller light, it was faint and eerie and downright depressing. It cast shadows across my room and made it difficult to see. I did not attempt to find another bulb though, I almost enjoyed the dreariness; it seemed to reflect what I've been feeling the past while. I've been seeing things in a new light for a while now, and it's rather sad.

Things are not always happy little get-to-gethers at the park or movie nights at a friend's. There won't always be the group sleeps or the 'crew' or the nights just lying on the trampoline watching the stars. People are not always trustworthy or kind. Some prey on your innocence, others are only happy when you're miserable. All good things must come to an end. And it's harsh. And it's terrifying. And it's lonely. And it's unfair.

Sometimes it feels like it's you vs. everyone and sometimes it feels like everyone's changing.

I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize who I see. I don't like the person I see. I question, where are her morals? Where is her spirit? Why can't she stand up for herself and for what she believes in? Why has she changed so much?

Everything's falling to pieces. Everyone's showing a side I never thought possible. People I never liked I now question how I managed without them and people who I thought I could never manage without I now find myself questioning why without them it hurts so bad...

Maybe it's just a part of growing up, but I was never that keen on doing so in the first place. I thought I had everything planned out and accounted for, but I guess something came along and ruined the familiar and routine.

The only thing that seems to be the same anymore is the answer I get when I ask, "Did anyone call for me"

"No, no one."

Or the feeling I get in my stomach, wishing the answer would be the thing changing instead.

Cocoon

Based on your smile,
I'm betting all of this might be over soon.
But you're bound to win,
Because if I'm betting against you, I think I'd rather lose.
But this is all that I have,

So please, take what's left of this heart, and use
Please use only what you really need.
You know I only have so little, so please
Mend your broken heart and leave.

I know it's not your style,
And I can tell by the way that you move, it's real, real soon.
But I'm on your side, and I don't want to be your regret,
I'd rather be your cocoon.
But this is all that you have,

So please, let me take whats left of your heart, and I will use
I swear I'll use only what I need.
I know you only have so little, so please
Let me mend my broken heart and leave.

You said this was all you have,
And it's all I need.
But blah blah blah,
Because it fell apart.
I guess it's all you knew,
And all I had.
But now we have
Only confused hearts.
I guess all we have
Is really all we need.
So please,

Let's take these broken hearts, and use
Let's use only what we really need.
You know we only have so little. So please,
Take these broken hearts and leave.
- Jack Johnson - Cocoon.