Everyone's Changing And I Don't Feel The Same

"Did anyone call for me?" I ask as I turn to lock the door behind myself. I ask the same question every time I come home. It's like a routine. Come in, take off shoes, say hi and ask if anyone's called, then go to my room.

Routine is assuring. It is constantly there, always the same, and comforting in the fact that you follow it. Things are always reassuring when they stay monotonous. Sometimes it may get bland, but it is familiar. You become so used to things the way that they are, no matter how hectic or dull or confusing, and then it all changes one day and your world falls to pieces.

Sometimes it's hard not to make the assumption that all good things never end. But in truth, they do end, and they always end, and it's always difficult no matter how hard we try to get back to routine.

I was sitting here writing this earlier when all of a sudden I heard a faint popping noise and then I was surrounded by complete darkness. My orange paper lantern had burnt out. I use it every night as light to read or watch t.v. by, but never once, since I bought it last Christmas, had I really thought of it burning out. I sat there for a second before hopping out of bed and over to my desk. I removed the bulb from my other lamp and screwed it into place in my lantern. I flicked the switch and light returned to the room, but it was a duller light, it was faint and eerie and downright depressing. It cast shadows across my room and made it difficult to see. I did not attempt to find another bulb though, I almost enjoyed the dreariness; it seemed to reflect what I've been feeling the past while. I've been seeing things in a new light for a while now, and it's rather sad.

Things are not always happy little get-to-gethers at the park or movie nights at a friend's. There won't always be the group sleeps or the 'crew' or the nights just lying on the trampoline watching the stars. People are not always trustworthy or kind. Some prey on your innocence, others are only happy when you're miserable. All good things must come to an end. And it's harsh. And it's terrifying. And it's lonely. And it's unfair.

Sometimes it feels like it's you vs. everyone and sometimes it feels like everyone's changing.

I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize who I see. I don't like the person I see. I question, where are her morals? Where is her spirit? Why can't she stand up for herself and for what she believes in? Why has she changed so much?

Everything's falling to pieces. Everyone's showing a side I never thought possible. People I never liked I now question how I managed without them and people who I thought I could never manage without I now find myself questioning why without them it hurts so bad...

Maybe it's just a part of growing up, but I was never that keen on doing so in the first place. I thought I had everything planned out and accounted for, but I guess something came along and ruined the familiar and routine.

The only thing that seems to be the same anymore is the answer I get when I ask, "Did anyone call for me"

"No, no one."

Or the feeling I get in my stomach, wishing the answer would be the thing changing instead.