History Lesson

Tonight, i was talking to Mike and we got talking about the whole depressing of our lives thing. How we wished everything could be like it was, how we all missed each other, how we didn't hang out enough anymore. Dylan and me talk about this too and even me and Jeremy talked about it tonight.

It's true. It's all true. We all miss each other so much. Things are not awful, no, but they're different. Saint Mac's is so much fun. I love my class and the people in it are starting to grow on me. I know in a few years time we'll be like how the pes crew was, but i don't want to wait for a history. I want to have one now.

There's nothing lonlier then walking down the halls and not recognizing anyone. I know if i went to SJHS i would be shouting hello's to every damn person i saw. I know i made the right choice, im so prooud to be a saint. But i wonder if i made the happiest choice.

I saw Brittany, Lindsay and Jen today during lunch at Spago's. They were all sitting together and i could tell they were comfortable with each other and they had a history. I wonder if maybe i hadn't have left, if i wouldn't have grown apart from them.

A lesson in history. It's always there. You'll always have history with someone to talk about and to refresh your mind about how much you love being around this person.

Talking to Dylan, Mike and Jeremy tonight, i knew i had a history with them. We could go three months without talking and pickup where we left off.

Memories.

Maybe I'm just not around them enough. Maybe i'm not around people in general enough anymore. I've sort of inverted myself into my own little shell. I've found myself sitting with a group of people, and not saying a thing. Sitting in class and actually doing my work, and walking through the halls alone. High school is lonelier then i thought. I need my little "chats" during the week to perk me up.

Weekends give me the fuel to work through the rest of the week. But lately they've been so downtrodden. Nothing much to do, the usual. Hang out at my house, Nat's Brother's hockey games or a family thing. This weekend i have to go away. I feel like im in a rut. I sit inside and don't do anything. Im not expressive, or loud, and when i walk past a mirror, im not smiling. Not even today when the dentist cleaned my teeth up all nice.

Maybe thinking about my history with people is depressing because what was won't be what is again. Maybe i ponder things too much, bury my face in the past.

But i remember everything, and i can bring back any memory to play on my mind's projection screen, in vivid detail, just like yesterday. I'm even doing it right now. In this one I'm smiling and laughing so hard i can't breathe. I haven't laughed that hard since.

Although i might not be smiling or laughing on the outside, at least i am on the inside, but the memories of some things are eroding me away, from the inside out.