I Know...

You want to hate me. I can see it in your eyes. You wish you could hate me so bad. But at the end of the day, it just can't happen.

You've finally realized we're too much alike.

There there, don't cry too hard.

Hmm

Mom is only happy when there is the prospect of a man on the horizon. The only time she doesn't fight with me is when she is feeling like acting the part of the 'Great Mom' so as to impress future would-be's.

And yet, I seem to hate every single man she brings home. They are all trash and she can't seem to see that. Then this cycle begins when they break her heart and we must deal with terribly bitchy mom once more.

Please lord, don't let this continue the rest of my life ...

Sometimes I want to call my dad, and scream and yell at him that I am mad with him. Im so mad at him, and I don't say anything because I feel bad for him, and I think his life is bad enough at the moment without having his daughter say he is the biggest disspointment in her whole life.

But the truth is, I am mad at him. And what I want to do more than anything is tell him. Scream and yell at him and remind him that he is my father. Not some stranger to see on the streets. He's responsable for us.. and he is sitting back and being a wallflower in the midst of pure hell.

Sometimes I want to just call him and cry and beg that he could at least, for me of course, pretend to be in love with mom again so that she will be happy again and I will have my family back. And then I realize I sound like one of the dumbest, most selfish people on the face of this earth.

So then I wonder what it makes my mom when she wakes up crying for him still?

So Here I Am

And There I go.

I have to admit, keeping up with this thing is a lot harder than it sounds. Much too hard to just sit down in front of the computer anymore and have all these beautiful ideas blossoming forth from my brain. None the less, I do enjoy the feeling of typing something that people will read, whether they like it or not. So, here is my post.

Today is Sunday of a rather boring week. First one of the new term, of which I have the most terrible classes ever. Work-wise they arem, but people wise I must have hit a jackpot because I have at least three good friends in every one. The question is, Can I handle the workload or not? The home report we took home on Friday may be questionable. I went down in two of my major classes, English and Math, but went up by at least 8-10% in all others. Surprisingly, History was by far my best class. Still can't quite figure that one out.

So last night I quit my job. Job? you say. Yes, I had a job. It was actually a pretty decent one too, making more than minimum wage + tips and working with people who I didn't mind too too much. The only problem seemed to be in my hours. Fridays and Saterdays, 6-11:00 or sometimes later. That left me in school monday to friday, working both my weekend nights, leaving me really only Sunday night which is a weeknight almost as well. Another reason for quitting were my new courses this term. I'm taking ones I think are going to require a hell of work and I don't want to be tied down to working on a night that I need to finish a thousand word essay or something of the like.

Also, we're moving into a house. Mom's been approved for the mortgage and all that mumbo jumbo I don't really understand. She's already started looking, and has four at the moment she really likes, two being in grand bay, one on the east side and one in millidgeville. Of the choices, I'd much rather prefer to stay in millidgeville but the chances of that are slim... So long as it is a nice house though and I have my own decently sized room, I shall be okay. We should be moved in by April at the latest.

I wrote this sort of catch-up post in hopes that if I filled everyone in on my life lately that writing more posts would be a bit easier. I'm not sure if this is a likely theory or not, I suppose we shall see.

xox