The M-Factor.

I think I’m finally beginning to see a chain of events in my life. It’s been there all along, ongoing; I just never truly noticed it until now.

I’m going to call it the M-Factor. (Moving-Factor) See, this is how things go. I live in one place or go to one school for an allotted period of time, then I move, or change schools. The friends that I made, I try my hardest to keep in touch with, but after a while it becomes too much of a burden and I lose touch. Or the M-Factor “2” comes into affect and me and the friend/s get into a fight and I end up being glad I moved away. Either way, I lose touch.

It’s not even really my fault. I’m not going to blame it completely on the M-Factor, but it’s hard. I know I haven’t really had to deal with it in a while, but it’s still affecting my life.

One month into kindergarten and I switched schools. I can’t even remember what that school was like or what any of my friends were like there or anything. I went to a new school until the beginning of Grade three. Made some friends there that I kept in touch with when I moved to my next school where I would stay a mere six months before moving again. By now I have lost touch with everyone except the people from the school that I had just left. I went to this school nine months before moving cross-country to Grand Bay, N.B. By now I was only still talking to the people from my school before this one. It was so easy to stop sending letters and calling when I had to do it with so many people. I made quite a few new friends at this school that I tried my hardest to keep in touch with and actually succeeded pretty well. I then moved way out into the boonies of Hampton N.B., and started middle school the “new girl”. I made two friends that I tried to keep in touch with when I finally moved to Saint John, but I only managed to stay friends with one of them, the other one and I had a fight. And it was easy to just let that be the end of our friendship because we never saw each other anymore. The other girl and I aren’t even really friends anymore. We had a fight too, and then started talking again and now we talk about once a month and chat online every now and then, but I haven’t seen her since summer.

Now, PES was different. It took so long to make the friends I ended up making that I swore I would never let them just get away like that. I was also unaccustomed to the whole “making friends” thing, I think I had become a bit too reliant on the fact that I would end up moving again before I could make too strong of a bond.

High school started. We all went our separate ways. Things changed.

Now, I talk to one girl who was my friend at PES on a regular basis. I talk to the Hampton girl on occasion, but I wouldn’t say we were tight. I’ve become closer with my cousin now that we’re in the same class, but we’re still family. I’m in the middle of a fight with one of my old friends from PES, and in one with one of my friends from Grand Bay. I don’t talk to two other old friends from PES, and I only talk to one of them every now and then online. One of them is at my school with me and I see her all the time. We didn’t fight or anything, we just don’t make an effort to talk. I’ve made new friends in my class and started hanging out with them a lot. I’m meeting people every day really, but it’s not the same.

Don’t let your friends slip away. Don’t think that they will be there tomorrow, don’t assume. Things could get real rough in the future and you’ll be glad you stayed in touch. I think about it a lot. I’m over the fact that we’re not all friends anymore, but I ponder what I could have done better. I wonder if they’re still like they were.

I wonder if I went back and visited all those people I left behind in elementary, if they would remember me. They wouldn’t, and there’s no sense hoping otherwise. To them I’m nothing but a name, but to me they were my childhood. My first friends. My first crush. My first enemy…

The M-Factor has become the L-Factor. I’m “losing touch” with everyone. Fighting with everyone. I’m striving to be a “better person”. So much for that. I’m striving to make lasting friendships. So much for that. I’m only just beginning now to be able to say “remember when” from years ago. I’m glad I don’t move this much anymore, but then again, just like the fighting and the hard times and the religion and drugs, it was a way of life. It was something about me.

I was the new girl.

Teardrop.

I'm sending out a tear to all of you. A single, glistening tear. To mend your troubles, to soothe your burning heart, to add to your own tears. I'm sending out a tear to everyone wronged. To everyone hurt, to everyone betrayed, everyone broken hearted.

I'm sending out a tear to everyone.

The saltiness will sting at first, like most tears do, but it will heal. Over time we will all heal.

Keep It Clean People!!

" Now, I don't want any "unclean" crap on these website's we're making! Keep it clean people!!! Nothing hateful, dirty, rude or evil! "

" Well then, Guess we CAN'T write about her, damn! "

Oh, Mr. Burtt, how you crack me up. Chris- "What does EVIL mean?" Mr. Burtt- "You know, like being just plain evil!" Chris- "Like DOCTOR EVIL?!" Mr. Burtt- "Soccer's not evil! You're just plain dumb!"

Well... I have detention tomorrow at lunch hour for being late the second day in a row for science. I must be making a REAL good impression on my new science teacher, Mr.Cormier. Oh well, damnit! My New Year's Resolution (part 2) is becoming harder and harder to follow! I just CAN'T pay attention! And even if I do MOST of my work Mr. Nadeau marks it down as "imcomplete".

That's it. I quit school. :)

Cry

Sometimes I cry for reasons unknown. The tears do not make sense, but they are my own.
They fall down my cheeks and into my heart, and hatred is awakened right from the start.
It is easier to hate then to love, It's easier to hope then know when push comes to shove.
It's easier to think that things will be ok, then to ponder what might happen another day.
Tonight something so simple made me completely break down. It left my heart aching and my head spinning round.
Why do things end up like this? Why haven't you called or dropped by since Christmas?
Sometimes it hurts, pain unbeleiveable, to think that thoughts, like this are concievable.
Inside I wonder, inside I cry. Inside sometimes I think of your lies.
And these little tears, hiden from view, as I lean over the stove stirring the stew, They are cried for only one person.
They are cried for you. Because only you can make me feel the way I do.

Anti-Bush Petition.

Today while I was waitting in the market on my lunch break to meet up with Amy, Levi, Dylan and Mike a man approached me to sign the anti-missile petition. When I asked him to explain it he said that it was pretty much anti-bush. He got a bit confusing in the details so I just started nodding and mmm hmm-ing. I signed it of course, being as anti-war and bush as I am, but afterwards I stopped to ponder what I had really signed...

How can a petition being signed by people in a little town of Saint John, in a little province like New Brunswick make any difference on the world's pressing matters? How can my signature change things? America, you screwed us over by voting that asshole back in, now we're fucked for another four years. But no, we're going to try and change things by petitions! See, the thing that bothers me was Canada had no say in it in the first place, but we're stuck being your "neighbors" and going along with what the All-Powerful Bush tells us to.

In the words of Jessy, "The only Bush I trust is my own."

...

If you would like to see what Lindsay REALLY wrote about me, email me at katelyn_andrews@hotmail.com , I tend to save these things :)

Holy...

1000 + visitors! Thank you everyone who ACTUALLY visited my site. I'm so glad I ACTUALLY got so many visitors and didn't have to resort to ADDING THEM ON MYSELF!

Here's to 1000 more of lovley visits :)

The Truth

I know my blog to be the truth. I know everything on this to be truthful. I've never lied or cheated on anything on this, nor will I. And if I had have, how ridiculous would that be?!

Maybe some other people should think about this.

New Year's Movie

Last night I went to the movies with Amy, Levi, Dylan, Mike, Kristina and Allie. It was New Year's Day and by the time we got to the theatre we could tell that about everyone else in Saint John had had the same idea as us, "Why not go to the movies?!" There was nothing else to do I suppose, like the mall was closed and besides that, there's nothing, but this place was PACKED!!

The movie that we had wanted to see, "Darkness", ended up being sold out by the time we got there. And the only other movie playing at that time that we could still get into was "Oceans Twelve", which most of us had no desire to see. So we decided to wait at the theatre from 7:00-9:25 to get into the late show of "Meet The Focker's". We bought our tickets right away to avoid it being sold out again and sat down in the food area for the next two hours.

The minutes TICKED by, god, it took ages! By the time we had bought our food and went up to get our tickets ripped the woman told us that the first showing of it still wasn't out yet! And that we'd have to wait another twenty minutes before we could get in. SO, we waited again. We bought our food and everything and went back up to that pimply movie worker. She finally ripped our tickets and told us to join the LINE-UP that had now formed ALL THE WAY down one hall, around the corner and ALL THE WAY down another right back to the food court! We were at the VERY end, and there was going to be NOW WAY that we would get seats together!

Mike and I decided that the "bright" idea would be to walk all the way to the front of the isle to save seats and when they opened the doors, we'd run through, pushing away everyone else that had waited in line before us. We stood there in front of the line for a good twenty minutes before I started to feel a bit bad. Even though we had waited just as long as those people, they were in line rightfully before us, so my "good samaritan" inside told me to go back to the end of the line where I belonged.

By the time our part of the line reached the doors to get in, there WAS quite a few more people behind us then in front of us and waiting in line wasn't that bad anymore. And when we got in, we even noticed that there was a whole row almost that we could snag.

The movie wasn't bad, It was actually really funny! Even though I've never seen the first one before yet. It made it even better I guess that all those other people were there too, because when everyone laughed, it was louder, and that made it funnier. There was one guy back there who sounded like fucking santa clause or something! But that made me laugh even if it wasn't funny.

Waiting so long for the movie was the only bad part really. I haven't gone to the movies twice in a week in so long. I haven't really enjoyed a movie in a while either... But this one was a good choice, and I heard from people that "Darkness" sucked anyways.

A New Year

...It came so soon. It left so fast. A whole year forgotten. Everything that happened in 2004 is behind us now and is classified as "PAST". I'm glad, I'm glad for a new beggining. I'm glad for a chance to make things work this time. I'm so glad.

Ringing in the New Year with my friends was awesome. Nat says, "The way you spend your New Year's Eve is the way you will spend the rest of the year." I sure hope so. I could spend all of 2005 with them! Tom making kraft dinner, Levi and the ET movie, Dylan dancing like Usher, Natalie decorating the tree with her bra, Amy doing "backflips" with her damn fuzzies! Mike with the gummi bears for Lissa, it was just such a good time. And our count down, like as we counted down from ten, it was like slow motion. Slowly the whole year was fleeting before our eyes, and if we blinked it would be gone.

10, All those fights are over.
9, Dad's Marriage, gone.
8, Dumb choices are past now.
7, Time to make new ones.
6, A New Year to make things right.
5, New friends to add to the old crowd.
4, A new beggining for us.
3, A new school term! (I'm gonna try harder)
2, My New Year's resolution, I'll stick to it.
1, A New Year's Kiss.

Then the count down was over, and nothing was different. I looked over at the clock and it was five minutes into the New Year. People all over the world were celebrating tonight for the same reason, another year. And as I realized that nothing had changed I realized that no matter how many years really go by, things that were meant to be will never change.